


Ever-Seeking Light

by KitKatPurrpurr



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Domestic Violence, Dubious Consent, M/M, Threats of Violence, child grooming, domestic abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:28:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 46,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28149117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitKatPurrpurr/pseuds/KitKatPurrpurr
Summary: Ben Jeong is a young adult trapped in an unhealthy relationship with a man who is fixated on him. This is the story of how he meets someone who genuinely cares about him and seeks to help him escape before it's too late.—This story is formature audiences. There are some scenes of explicit sexual content, and the topics contained within the story are heavy, so reader discretion is advised. There will be no content warnings in the notes of the chapters, since the tags cover the subject matter that is present throughout. In the flashbacks, there will be no explicit scenes involving underage characters, although such scenes will be implied.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late August, 2014.

The summer heat was beating down onto the pavement and the amusement park goers in the later part of the day, making shade a heavily sought after commodity. Large crowds of people eagerly ducked under umbrellas as they stood in line for the rides, some desperately shading their ice cream so it wouldn’t melt onto their hands by the time they reached the gate, while others were fanning themselves with whatever was stuffed in purses or pockets. One family, Korean American and made up of a man, woman, and their son, stood near the end of a line, arguing about whether or not it was worth it to stand and wait.

“I know, Diane, I know the park closes in a few hours, but I thought we agreed that we all got one ride each that we’d been looking forward to, and this one’s mine!” The older man folded his arms and huffed as his wife tossed up her hands.

“Yeah, but if we wait at this one, we’re not going to get to do any others, if we even make _this_ one, since the line’s so long!” his wife snapped. The man gritted his teeth and gestured to the growing line.

“Then why do you think I want to hop into line now?” As soon as he put his hand on his son’s shoulder to bring him with him, the boy moved away from his parents.

“Hey! If you guys wanna stand in line, fine, but I’m thirsty. Gonna go get a soda.” Both of them gave him a heated look before they turned to face each other again.

“Fine, but don’t go far, Ben,” his mother said back to him, then continued bickering with her husband.

Ben shook his head and darted off for the nearest soda machine, pulling out a worn dollar bill and fiddling with his change, while he waited for the person before him to finish grabbing their drink. Once it was his turn, he pushed in his money and pressed the button for a Sprite. The can rolled out and he popped it open to take a sip. No way in hell was he going to keep listening to his parents’ arguing, and spotting a closed ride a little ways off, wandered over to hide away from the crowds of people.

The backside of a few food stands provided some much desired shelter from the sun, and he leaned against the side of the closed ride as he sipped his drink. Pulling out his phone, he swiped through a few social media apps but was quickly bored, and he sighed, dropping it back into his pocket.

“You’re not supposed to be here.” A low, somewhat gravelly voice came out of nowhere and Ben’s head shot up, looking for the source. Stepping into view was a tall, muscular man with a shaved head wearing a work shirt. His piercing blue eyes laid into Ben, who stepped back, holding his breath.

“I-I’m sorry, I needed to get away for a sec. I’ll go-” The other man put his hand up to stop him and smiled.

“Hey, I’m only joshin’ ya. I mean, you’re _not_ supposed to be back here, but I won’t tell on you.” The man leaned back against the ride and folded his arms, keeping his eyes trained on the boy. “So, getting away? From what, the crowds?” His hand slipped into his pocket and produced a pack of cigarettes, and pulling one out, lit it and took a long drag, dusting his knees off with his other hand. Ben shifted uneasily on his feet but rested against the ride again.

“Yeah, and my parents. They’re yelling at each other again and it gets annoying. Especially since this was supposed to be a FUN trip.” He waved his hand and shook his head dismissively. The other man puffed on his cig again before responding.

“I know what that’s like.” Clearing his throat, he tilted his head up to the sky. “Every time they say things’ll be okay, they lie. They’re just pretending for your sake, right?” Ben glanced over at him.

“I don’t think they’re even pretending anymore. I fuckin’ hate it.” The boy took a much longer sip of his drink and downed the rest of it, as his thoughts settled on his parents. The more he thought about them, the more helpless he felt, and he angrily scrunched up the can and kicked it aside. The other man merely watched, chuckling to himself.

“Well, I’ve been there, let’s just say that.” Flicking his cigarette a bit, he looked back over at Ben and raised an eyebrow. “You seem young. How old’re you?”

“Uh, 16. Starting my senior year of high school in a month.” Ben scoffed and made eye contact with the man. “Probably shouldn’t be telling you, I mean, I don’t even know you.” The other man grinned and held his cig with his left hand, offering the other to Ben.

“I’m Kyle. And in case you were wondering, I’m a maintenance worker here, that’s what _I’m_ doing back here.” Ben hesitated for a second but shook Kyle’s hand, a smile of his own forming on his lips.

“Alright, cool. So you’re not just a hobo hiding out in the guts of a ride, then?” Ben laughed as he pulled his hand away, and Kyle scoffed sarcastically.

“What, the shirt didn’t tip you off? I probably woulda told you to get out of my house!” His eyes relaxed as he took another drag. “Still, I wanted to say that I was younger than you when my parents split. So like I said, I’ve been there before.”

As the topic refocused again on Ben’s home life, the smile fell from his face and he crossed his arms, looking down at the ground.

“I’m sorry. It’s weird when it happens so late into your childhood though, like you can’t tell if they’re just sticking it out until you’re an adult, or if they really _were_ happy for all those earlier years. Cause they sure aren’t now.” Ben’s eyes closed for a moment as he released a long sigh. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be spilling all this. You’re not a therapist.”

“No, no, you’re fine. I don’t mind listening. I live alone and don’t really talk all that much to my coworkers, so I welcome anything to shake things up.” Ben looked back up into Kyle’s eyes and a smile faintly reappeared on his face.

“Thanks, I appreciate that. I’ve tried talking to the school counselor about it, but I don’t really think I’m getting anything out of it. And I’m kinda done talking to someone who is just taking notes to log into a file and doesn’t actually care. Not that YOU need to care, but, you get what I mean.” Standing up from the wall, Ben faced Kyle and put his hands in his pockets, tilting his head a bit. “Even if it’s rambling to a guy I just met, it helps.”

Kyle nodded at him and dropped his cigarette to the ground, snuffing it out with his boot. Leaning one arm against the side of the ride, he eyed Ben and smirked, putting his other hand on his hip.

“Well, I’m glad I can help. You’re a kid goin’ through a lot more than he should have to. That kinda shit makes you grow up quick, faster than a kid should.” Ben glanced away shyly and laughed to himself.

“Yeah, I suppose. Just feels like normal growing up to me, I guess.” His hand slipped into his pocket to pull out his phone and he spotted two texts from his dad, making him groan. “Ugh, I should probably go. I’m needed as a pawn again.”

As the boy turned away to leave, Kyle reached a hand out for his shoulder and turned him back to face him. Ben raised an eyebrow and stopped moving.

“Here, lemme give you my number. In case, y’know, you feel like talkin’ again. Don’t ever have to message me if you don’t want, but… at least the option’s there, right?”

Ben thought for a minute, but considering Kyle wasn’t asking for his number, he knew there was no risk to getting his. Unlocking his phone, he opened his contacts and entered Kyle’s name, pausing on the number.

“What is it?” Kyle’s smile widened and he stood up straight.

“951-555-6341. Text or call, if you want. And Ben?” The boy glanced back up at him after saving his contact info. “Good luck with things.”

Not waiting for a reply, Kyle walked back into the off-limits area of the closed ride, and Ben smiled, dropping his phone back into his pocket and heading out into the crowd of people.


	2. One Night of Many

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early December, 2017.

The grease on the pan stuck firmly to the worn Teflon, the anti-stick coating long since worn off. Pushing hard into the sponge with his fingers, Ben gritted his teeth and scrubbed at it yet again, his efforts still proving to be fruitless.

“Come on, I let you soak for hours! Please, he’ll be home any minute and I _promised_ I’d have all the dishes done!” Eyes flickering over to the remaining pile of plates he was yet to tackle, he shoved the pan down further into the sink and groaned, filling it up with soapy water again before grabbing a plate to clean off. Ben’s heart raced as he kept an eye on the clock. That morning his boyfriend had woken up in a rather aggravated mood and his job would only exacerbate that by the time he returned.

His thoughts continued to drift as he mindlessly washed dish after dish, wondering what dinner would be like tonight, if they could rent a movie to watch instead of reruns of shows Ben didn’t care for that Kyle seemed to love, just something to switch up the routine. He was brought back to reality when he felt pain upon grabbing another plate, and gasping sharply, retracted his hand.

“What the...” Evidently there was a steak knife underneath the plate he was picking up, and he managed to prick his finger on the tip. “Kyle…”

Before he could silently berate the man, Ben heard the familiar sound of the front door being unlocked, and he jumped back, holding his slightly bleeding finger up to his lips. Kyle walked in carrying a small bag of groceries, which attracted the attention of the smaller man instantly.

“You’re back!” Bounding over, he wiped the rest of the blood off on his shirt, which only added yet another small mark to his already blood-specked top. “What did you buy?” There was a light energy radiating off of him, and the other man picked up on it immediately, giving him a smile.

“Well sweet cheeks, I brought us home some spam and rice. I figured we could cook it up and have a nice home-cooked meal instead of microwave dinners for the sixth night in a row.” Kyle moved a hand up to stroke Ben’s cheek. “Sorry ‘bout that doll, you know how my paychecks have been goin’ towards both of us, so I have less extra to spend.” Pulling the smaller man closer, he wrapped an arm around him, lowering his voice.

“I also bought more lube, since we were runnin’ low.” His hand slowly squeezed one of Ben’s ass cheeks, which made Ben blush and turn away.

“G-good! I tried to clean up the kitchen, but the pan’s got grease caked onto it. I’ll have to let it soak for another hour before I try scrubbing again.” He peered around his partner and back down at the bag. “Unless you happened to get a new sponge while you were away too.”

Tugging the bag out of reach, Kyle groaned and set it on the counter. “I told you Ben, I just don’t have the money right now. I need to keep enough money for weed too, and my fuckin’ dealer’s been jacking up the prices. I’ll buy you a new sponge, but it’ll have to wait ‘till my next paycheck.” Taking a look at the remaining mess in the kitchen, he scoffed before heading off to the bathroom.

Ben quietly fiddled with the bag, looking inside to see what else was in there. He could see a package of Skittles and a Monster, which were undoubtedly not for him, nor would he ask. Setting to work on the rest of the dishes, he sighed quietly, drying and putting away the clean ones so he had more room to set the wet ones. It had been months since he had last seen any roaches, which was undoubtedly thanks to him actually keeping things clean.

“Hey, speaking of Mark, I’ve gotta go see him tonight. I’m about out.” The words followed the sound of a toilet flushing and heavy footsteps in the hallway. Ben turned to look at Kyle as he stood at the end of the kitchen, raising an eyebrow.

“If you could make dinner by the time I’m back, that’d be great. Today’s been just so damn long, and I gotta do this one last thing before I can finally kick back for the night. It’d mean the world to me if you would.” Kyle’s pleading look was too much for Ben, and he sighed, shaking his head.

“Alright, you win,” Ben murmured, watching as Kyle pulled the spam and rice from the bag before taking it back close to him. It was clear that he was downplaying the fact that there was candy and an energy drink in there, and Ben pretended not to notice. Bringing it up would only make Kyle mad.

“Thanks babe. I’ll make it up to you tonight, I _promise_.” A lewd grin crossed the bigger man’s face, which Ben could only weakly chuckle at.

“O-okay hun,” his reply was strained. “I can’t wait.”

Kyle darted back into the bedroom to drop off the lube while Ben went back to dishwashing. Now more than ever he needed to finish so he could make dinner for them, since he’d need the pan that was soaking to fry up the spam. _Hopefully that grease will come off more easily after sitting in soap_ , he thought to himself.

“Alright, I’ll be back in an hour or so. Be good!” Before Ben could even reply, Kyle was out the door, though he made sure to lock it before heading down to his car. It always made Ben curious if Kyle locked the door to keep him safe, or if so no one could get to him. He usually believed it to be both reasons.

After several minutes, the only dishes left to be cleaned were a couple glasses and the dreaded pan, and once the former was taken care of, Ben gritted his teeth and put all his energy into scrubbing off every last bit of charred… whatever Kyle had cooked that morning. It took about five minutes, and by the end he was exhausted, but pleased with himself. Taking out an empty pot, he filled it with water and the rice, setting it to boil as he prepared the spam to be cooked. Considering Kyle wasn’t going to be back for another hour or two, he had time to spare on the meat, since the rice could sit in the pot and be fine.

Ben waited for the pot to boil before turning the heat all the way down and putting a lid on it, which was when he noticed how dirty his skin felt. A day of cleaning had made the boy feel a bit grubby. Heading off to take a shower, he closed the door behind him and stripped down, trying not to look in the mirror. His body was covered in bruises and marks, most inflicted upon him, though some were self-inflicted, and looking at them reminded him of how much had changed since he first ran away from home, how much _he_ had changed.

The hot water on his body soothed him whenever it didn’t hurt the raw skin on some of his cuts. Despite wanting to stand in there until Kyle returned, he knew he had to keep an eye on the rice, so grabbing the thin piece of soap that was left on the edge of the tub, he quickly washed himself, wincing every now and then. As he bathed, he couldn’t help but notice the returning mildew. He’d cleaned the tub just over a week ago and it still looked like it hadn’t been properly cleaned in far too long. After soaping himself up, he quickly shampooed, closing his eyes and tuning out the world for only a moment while he slowly massaged his scalp.

Unfortunately, the moment would be over all too soon once he remembered the rice and the spam he hadn’t yet fried. With a sigh, Ben finished rinsing off and carefully climbed out of the shower, grabbing the towel from the rack to dry off. He hadn’t been able to get any laundry done in two weeks, and he was down to his last clean pair of underwear, though he wouldn’t wear it just yet. He’d change it in the morning, since his current pair would be removed later that evening anyhow. Still, putting on the dirty pair didn’t help him feel very clean despite having just showered.

The rice was still cooking away with 10 minutes left to go, so Ben pulled out the spices he was going to use on the spam, setting them aside for later. It was still too early to cook it, so he sat down on the couch. Most of the day the TV stayed off (Kyle didn’t like Ben using too much of the electricity when he was away), but considering he hadn’t watched anything all day, Ben figured it was fine if he turned it on for now. At first he mindlessly flipped through channels. Nothing captured his attention, except when he spotted Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones talking to each other in suits. Quickly flipping back to it, his mouth opened and he sat forward, having not seen his favorite movie, _Men in Black_ , in years.

Memories of when he first watched it with his parents flooded him, and he was suddenly struck with grief as he remembered how he’d run from home, how his relationship with his father had deteriorated so much in the last several months after his parents' divorce, and how he’d felt that all he could do was get away with Kyle's help. As glad as he'd been to have a way out, things had ended on such a sour note that he knew there was no repairing any of it. Still, he could put himself deep into his memories for at least this moment and forget about all of that.

Ben was at the edge of the couch watching the movie in wonder, taking in every moment of the scene as tears trickled out of his eyes. He was so enraptured with it that he didn’t notice the time flying by, and once he looked up at the clock, he gasped, realizing the rice had been cooking for longer than he meant for it to, and leaping up from the couch, ran over to turn off the burner. Luckily for him, the rice hadn’t stuck to the bottom of the pot all that much.

“At least I haven’t ruined the spam yet,” he mumbled to himself. Taking a pat of butter and dropping it into the pan, he turned the heat on underneath it and turned around to cut up the spam into three long slices. There weren’t many spices in the apartment for him to use, but a bit of garlic and onion powder would taste just fine, he hoped.

The spam cooked quickly, and Ben placed two of the slices on one plate and the last one on the other, along with large spoonfuls of rice, making sure to grab forks, which he brought over to the coffee table in front of the couch. It almost slipped his mind to grab drinks, so he got two bottles of water for both of them, and not a moment too soon either. Kyle fumbled with the door lock, which caused Ben to jump in his seat on the couch. His heart was racing, since it was never a good sign when Kyle was hurriedly trying to get the door open. Holding his hands close to his chest, he bit his lip. The other man finally managed to get inside, grumbling and closing the door roughly.

“FUCK him. I swear to fucking GOD I’m gonna kill his ass the next time he tries to charge me that much. Break his fuckin’ nose by bouncin’ his sorry face off the fuckin' pavement.” Stomping over to the couch, he practically slammed his hand on the coffee table to set his weed down, growling and taking a deep breath. Ben had backed up away from him on the couch, his body shivering as he bit his lip. Kyle noticed this and turned to look at him.

“Hey doll, I ain’t mad at you. Just Mark. No need to be scared.” His voice was soft and he leaned over to pull Ben close to him, eyelids fluttering almost shut. “I’d never do any of that to you.” One of Kyle’s hands pulled the smaller man’s waist closer to him, while the other tilted Ben’s head up so he could kiss him.

The boy gasped softly as their lips met, still shaking just a bit, especially once Kyle accidentally put pressure on one of Ben’s many bruises, making him wince. Once Kyle's tongue threatened to enter his mouth, he pulled away.

“I-I made dinner!” Ben was desperate to change the subject to dinner, since he was admittedly starving. Glancing down at the plate, Kyle’s smile returned and he pulled up both plates, taking his fork and cutting the spam with it. The smile only grew when he took a bite.

“Damn Ben, good job on this! You've really become quite the cook, haven't you?” The compliment made Ben’s heart flutter, and he grinned before taking his own bite, scooting in closer to Kyle. The two of them ate quickly, with Kyle realizing that the TV was on once he stopped looking down at Ben.

“Hey, this is that alien movie, right? Black Men or something,” He trailed off as he took another bite.

“ _Men in Black_. It was a favorite movie of mine as a kid.” Blushing, Ben stuffed his face with more food so Kyle wouldn’t really be able to see, though he did add, “I just never got to see the sequels.” Glancing down at the smaller man, Kyle chuckled.

“Really? I didn’t know you were a fan. Maybe sometime we can rent the other ones and watch ‘em. Y'know, have our own little movie night.” The prospect of such a thing made Ben gasp happily, and setting his plate down, threw his arms around Kyle and kissed his cheek.

“Really!? You mean it? Oh my god, that’d be amazing!” Ben was rocking around on the couch excitedly, which made Kyle laugh softly.

“Oh yeah? Well I’m glad. You’ve been helpin’ me a lot and I figure you deserve a little treat like that. Might have to wait a while, but I promise we’ll do it.” Kyle gave him another kiss on the forehead and finished eating, setting his plate on the coffee table and taking the water bottle. He kept his eyes down on Ben, who was finishing up his dinner while completely engaged in the movie, to the point he didn’t notice Kyle reaching a hand down to slowly stroke his side.

“Mmm, you’re such a good boy, Ben,” Kyle spoke softly. As much as he wanted to have Ben suck him off right here (his pants were already tightening), tonight he wanted to reward Ben, and as such, he would wait through the movie (it seemed to be almost over) and then treat him once they were in bed. Dishes could wait until morning. They always could.

It seemed Kyle would only need to wait another twenty minutes before the movie ended, and once it did, he moved a hand to Ben’s chin to tilt it back towards him.

“You ready for your reward Ben? I promise you’ll like it.” The smile that had formed on Kyle’s face meant only one thing, and Ben knew he didn’t want to face it sober.

“Can we smoke a bowl first? I haven’t been high all day and I’d _really_ like to mellow out so I can enjoy it even more. Is that okay _baby?”_ He didn’t often use that pet name, so when he did, it had a way of making Kyle melt. The bigger man groaned quietly, his pants feeling unbearably restrictive now.

“You bet. This night is yours.” Quickly readying his bong, Kyle scooted closer to Ben, grabbing his lighter and holding it up so he could take it. “Here you go babe.”

The two of them each took a few hits before Ben finally felt at ease, leaning against Kyle with his eyes half closed. He didn’t notice that Kyle had already undone his pants a little bit, and sighed lightly as arms wrapped around him, picking him up from the couch slowly and steadily. The familiar rocking motion of Kyle carrying him to the bedroom relaxed him more, and he giggled quietly to himself.

The bigger man flicked the light on and carefully placed Ben down on the mattress, kneeling on the bed to turn on the lamp. Moving back to turn off the bright overhead lights, he climbed on top of Ben and rested his hands on the boy’s sides, slowly sliding his shirt up and off of him while leaning his head down to kiss his neck.

“God _damn_ you’re sexy, and you smell so _good_ …” Kyle pushed his hips up against Ben’s groin, making him straddling him a bit while he reached a hand down into the boy's pants. The groping made him squeak and moan, squirming under Kyle’s hand, and he whimpered into his boyfriend’s neck weakly.

“ _Kyle_ …” Hearing his name moaned out like that made the man squeeze Ben’s cock harder, resulting in a louder, pleasured gasp.

 _“You want me to make you feel good?”_ His words were whispered into Ben’s ear, and he felt himself throbbing hard. He pulled Ben’s pants down and pushed a thumb down on the band of his boxers, and taking both of their cocks in hand, squeezed them together as precum dribbled down onto the boy’s torso. It was almost more than he could handle.

“ _Please…_ ”

For what would be one of the very few times in his life, Kyle moved himself down Ben’s body, dragging his fingertips down his sensitive skin to trigger a shiver in the boy. His head resting above Ben’s cock, he pushed the broad side of his tongue against the underside of his shaft, slowly licking up as Ben craned his head back, a long moan escaping him. Kyle reveled in the way he reacted and pushed the boy’s tip up into his mouth, holding the rest of his length with his hand to steady him.

Ben whimpered and tucked up his legs around the other man’s shoulders. One of his hands moved to hold Kyle’s head, while the other to his mouth, biting his finger as he turned his head to the side. His whole body shook as Kyle slid his cock all the way into his mouth, which resulted in a breathy gasp.

“Kyle…!” The words were cut off as the bigger man began sucking on him, precum trickling out of his own cock as Ben’s face turned red. Panting and moaning with his eyes half-closed, he was unaware of Kyle reaching for the lube, and before he knew it, two fingers were pushed into his ass. The unexpected sensation caused him to arch up his back suddenly, which shoved his cock further into Kyle’s mouth, something the other man did _not_ care for.

Moving his free hand to Ben’s hips, he gripped him tightly, shoving him back down onto the bed. For a brief moment, Kyle considered stopping completely. Still, seeing Ben’s reactions to everything else had been satisfying, so he continued, making sure to curl up his fingers hard against Ben’s prostate, resulting in a sharp whine from the boy.

Kyle was admittedly eager to have sex, so he pushed Ben further in, hoping that the infrequency of oral sex he received would make him cum sooner. Sliding in a third finger, he stretched Ben out a bit more, sucking hard as the smaller man cried out and held his legs together, back arching up gradually this time as his orgasm grew nearer and nearer. His head was spinning, and letting his mouth hang open, he felt a shiver run through his body as the rush hit.

Of course it was the _sound_ he made that made Kyle smile and swallow gleefully. Not bothering to clean his partner up, the man pulled off of him and slid his fingers out of Ben, using what was already on them to lube up his cock. By now, Ben was pretty out of it, drooling out a bit on the sheets as his legs were spread apart.

“I'm gonna have a little fun too now, okay _baby?”_ Kyle leaned in close to Ben’s ear and whispered the words, with little of a reaction from him. Ben’s eyes had already closed, and he moaned softly as the skin on his neck was pinched between Kyle’s teeth, the feeling of the other man’s cock against his ass only getting harder until he slipped in. Ben whimpered out an almost crying-like noise as his mouth opened wider again, though his whole body felt weak.

The next several minutes were but a blur to him. Every now and then he’d feel sharp pressure on his stomach, neck, arms, or legs, and eventually once the movements in and out of him slowed down, with Kyle pulling out to cum on Ben’s stomach, he felt free of any dedication to the night and let himself begin to drift off.

Unfortunately, Kyle didn’t want to sleep with a mess, so he pushed Ben up to his feet and led him into the bathroom. Only snippets of things that were spoken to him stuck in his mind, and hazily gazing at himself in the mirror as Kyle wiped him down, he could faintly see red spots on his skin from places where the man had been a bit rough… again.

“ _Fantastic tonight… morrow in another… up straight I can’t fucking…_ ”

At this point, the weed was wearing off and actual lethargy setting in, and as he was led to the bed again, Ben felt an uneasy shiver run down his spine as Kyle kept him close. He was pulled down into the bed alongside him, naturally being pushed into the little spoon role as the bigger man hugged him tightly. A sick feeling formed in his gut which, coupled with how exhausted he was, made him quiver lightly, something that Kyle noticed.

“Hey, you okay?” Stroking Ben’s arm with his thumb, Kyle pulled his head up close to the boy’s neck, nuzzling him just a bit. Usually the shaking would start long after Kyle had fallen asleep and Ben, reeling from the physical and emotional stress of both the day and night, would struggle to get any sleep at all, but it seemed today it began early.

“Y-yeah, just exhausted I guess,” he lied. Ben knew better than to imply that anything was wrong, since he didn’t even know what _was_ wrong. He simply knew he felt _bad_.

“Well then, some sleep might do you good. C’mon, try to catch some z’s with me babe.” Kyle’s words were trailing off as he rested his head just beside Ben’s, sighing. The boy looked down a bit and almost closed his eyes, but couldn’t bring himself to keep them shut, curling up his hands into his chest as he listened to Kyle’s breathing. His boyfriend curled his arms around him just a little bit tighter.

_“I love you, Ben.”_

For a moment, he froze, but then, he rolled over and buried his face in Kyle’s chest, shutting his eyes tightly. Ben used his remaining energy to cling to it, and feeling the strength leave his body for the final time that night, tilted his head up to nuzzle up against the other man’s neck.

_“I love you too.”_


	3. Candy Bar

The sounds of Kyle tossing the skillet into the sink while shouting at the TV rudely woke the sleeping Ben, who had been getting an extra hour of rest. Sitting up in a hurry, he slumped back down on the bed, resting on one hand, while groaning to himself.

“Yeah, that’s right, you piece of shit! Take him down!” The other man could only be watching WWE. It was the only sport Kyle watched regularly, and he would dedicate entire days to it, making Ben his “beer boy,” fetching him drinks and snacks so he wouldn’t have to tear away from the TV except to pee.

Sneaking out of the bedroom, Ben made his way into the bathroom, quietly splashing water on his face at the sink. He watched his hands as he filled them with water, noticing a small cut on his hand that he hadn’t seen before. Although they shook lightly, he managed to steady them enough to inspect them the rest of the way, which was when his eyes picked up on a few more nicks on the back of his hands. Each one would certainly sting while he did the dishes later.

Fixing up his tank top, Ben wandered out into the main area of the apartment and moved for the fridge. The rattling of bottles from the door alerted the other man to Ben’s presence and looking back at him, smiled and waved him over. Ben shrunk back a bit as he was noticed, and closing the fridge, he stepped around the counter over to the couch.

“Hey baby, ‘bout time you got up.” Kyle didn’t wait for Ben to sit down before taking his arm and tugging him down to the cushions. Wincing, Ben fell into his boyfriend’s lap, where he was bestowed with a rough kiss upon his cheek. Evidently this wasn’t where Kyle intended to kiss him, and lightly squeezing Ben’s arm, he followed with a “hey.” It took a moment for Ben to look up, sighing quietly as his tired eyes rose to meet the other man’s. Without hesitation, his boyfriend had pushed their lips together, to which Ben could only instinctively try to move back from.

“What?” Kyle pulled away quickly. “What’s wrong? Why are you moving away?” Ben opened his mouth to respond, but he didn’t know what to say. After a moment of thinking, with Kyle staring him down, he cleared his throat and whispered out a reply.

“I’m… I’m just a bit tired, still waking up. I-it’s just kind of a lot to process at once.” This only made the other man roll his eyes.

“Alright, I guess.” Sitting back against the couch, he turned his attention to the TV once more, grumbling under his breath. Ben had no desire to move closer, but he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to get up yet. Running his shaky fingers through his hair, he glanced down and bit his lip.

“I-I’m sorry Kyle, I didn’t mean to make you think I didn’t wanna be kissed or anything.” He kept moving his hand, pulling the strands back as he awaited a response. Kyle continued watching the TV without acknowledging the apology before he lowered his gaze, not looking up at Ben quite yet. With a long, drawn-out sigh, he moved an arm onto the back of the couch, turning his head to look into the smaller man’s eyes, still no trace of a smile on his lips.

“You know, it really hurts me when you try to pull away. It feels like you don’t love me, or that I’m ugly or some shit.” His fingers gripped the cushions, making Ben shrink back even more. Unfortunately, this was noticed by Kyle, and he tossed his hands up in exasperation.

“See!? You’re doing it now! Am I right? Do you not like me?” Kyle’s face contorted into a snarl as Ben moved forward to touch his leg, trying to calm him down.

“Kyle! That’s not true! I love you, dearly! I'm just tired, that’s all! I promise!” Now he was shaking hard, eyes wide as Kyle grabbed his arm and squeezed it tightly, debating whether or not to shove him off. It took every ounce of Ben’s strength not to cry out in pain, since some pre-existing bruises were being pressed within his hand, and tears reactively rolled out of his eyes as he tried to hide his wincing. Having made up his mind, Kyle released him and turned to face the TV once again.

“Fine.” His brow remained furrowed as he resumed watching wrestling, no longer paying Ben any attention. The smaller man gingerly rubbed his hurt arm, noticing the mark from his boyfriend’s tight grip and biting his quivering lip.

“I’m… I’m gonna step out onto the balcony for a few minutes.” His words were soft, and without looking back at Kyle, he hopped up from the couch and walked around it to the patio doors. Before he exited though, Kyle piped up one final time.

“If you want to make it up to me, clean the kitchen. Should give you plenty of time to think about shit.” Kyle remained rather monotone and cold, reaching for his beer as Ben shut the doors behind him.

There wasn’t all that much to see from the balcony, apart from the other run-down apartments across the alleyway, although further off to the south, above the street, more of the cityscape could be seen. Distant sounds of cars, barking dogs, and sirens filled the ambience of his neighborhood, sounds that never quite seemed to soothe him. Still they weren’t Kyle and the TV, which was enough to put his mind at ease.

Re-inspecting his arm, Ben saw a familiar redness on his forearm that would inevitably turn into a bruise, which he rubbed vigorously. Sure he'd been tired, but was that really any excuse to hurt Kyle's feelings? Ben sat down in the grubby plastic chair and felt the breeze pick up, sending a shiver down his spine as he rested his elbows on his legs, gently bouncing them. Hugging his arms, Ben finally allowed himself to cry, if only a little bit, and he tried to focus on the chill over the burning sensation on his skin where he'd been previously rubbing. He silently pledged to make it up to Kyle. The dishes would be done quickly, he'd sweep the apartment floors, and for dinner he'd go all out with whatever he could find in the pantry. Anything he could do to show his boyfriend how sorry he was, he'd do.

Ben spent the next minute wiping his eyes with his fingers, which he then dried off on his pants. Banking on the hope that Kyle wouldn’t look up at him, he took a few deep breaths before walking back inside, quietly closing the doors behind him. As he suspected, Kyle didn’t acknowledge his entrance, and silently moving over to the kitchen, set to work scrubbing away at the dishes with the old, worn-out sponge.

Over the course of the next several hours, Ben periodically fetched things for Kyle, all while cleaning up. By the time Kyle was done watching his show, the grubby old kitchen seemed to have a glow to it, although the man didn’t really notice as he went back to the bedroom to grab some clothes. Peering around the door frame at him, Ben watched as Kyle pulled on his boots.

“H-hey. You going somewhere?” The boy was almost afraid to ask. He hadn’t gotten out of the house in over a week, and cabin fever was starting to get to him. The question made Kyle roll his eyes and sigh, but he didn’t get angry.

“Probably just the store down the street. Why, you want to come or something?” The way he asked made it clear that he would view Ben’s company as a drag more than anything, but he hadn’t immediately shut it down, which gave the boy hope.

“I'd like to. I mean, I spent all day cleaning. Getting out, even for only a little bit, would be fun. Plus I could grab some stuff for dinner.” Giving Kyle his sweetest smile, he did his best to look submissive and sorry for earlier, and evidently it was enough to convince the man.

“Fine. Just take a coat ‘cause it’s cold, and I’m not sharin' mine.” Ben hopped into the room excitedly and began dressing himself for their walk. All he really had to wear for a coat was a rather thin jacket, but it was better than nothing, and if he stuck by Kyle, then hopefully he wouldn’t have to worry. Tugging on his worn Converse, he brushed out his hair with his fingers. Ben tentatively placed a hand on Kyle’s arm, looking up to see if he would mind, but there was no reaction from him, leading Ben to slowly wrap his arms around Kyle, who stopped moving.

“Thank you, Kyle. I mean it.” No response, at least, not initially. With a long sigh, Kyle placed his arm on Ben’s back and gently rubbed it, though he didn’t respond any further than that. Physical affection was more than enough of a good sign for Ben, and he felt a wave of relief wash over him.

Together, they made their way down the street in the fading sunlight, not speaking to each other, but the atmosphere between them significantly more relaxed. The corner store didn’t have a very wide selection, but Kyle did buy some chips and soda while Ben perused the other aisles. Walking by the pasta, he stopped at the mac and cheese boxes, inspecting a few but ultimately deciding on the fancier kind with bread crumbs and a premixed cheese bag. As he headed up to the counter where Kyle was waiting, his eyes caught a glimpse of a small candy selection. How long had it been since he last had any? Deciding on a Twix bar, he brought it over to his boyfriend, who was in the process of paying, and held it up to show him after placing down the boxed pasta.

“K-Kyle? Can I have this? It’s only 89 cents.” The cashier stopped mid-sentence and looked over at the Twix before glancing back at Kyle to see if it needed to be added to the total. Kyle opened his mouth as if he were going to protest, but not wanting to look like a penny pincher in front of strangers, snatched it out of Ben’s hand and placed it on the counter.

“And one Twix bar.” He huffed quietly, pulling Ben to his side. Happy to at least be getting something, Ben stayed silent for as long as they remained in the store, thanking Kyle once they were outside.

“I was gonna share these chips with you, you know, but I figure maybe you deserve an extra treat of your own.” The tone in his voice was not convincing at all. Ben knew that he didn’t want to buy it but had reluctantly done so anyway. It worried Ben, how Kyle would take this out on him, since he assuredly would.

Upon arriving at the apartment, Ben began pulling off his jacket while walking to the bedroom, unknowingly being followed closely. Turning around once he threw his jacket to the side, he was face to face with Kyle, who kept the bag of snacks out of his reach with one hand, placing the other on Ben’s shoulder. The bigger man pushed him down onto the bed in one swift motion, causing Ben to gasp. The bag was tossed onto a pile of laundry as Kyle dropped to his knees on either side of Ben, effectively pinning him beneath him.

“You owe me for the chocolate.” Leaning over the now-cowering Ben, Kyle rested his weight on one hand while the other undid his pants.

“B-but I thought you said I deserved-“ The boy was cut off when a hand came up to grab his hair.

“What? Are you fucking _stupid?_ We have that bullshit this morning, which you almost made up for by cleaning the kitchen, but then not only do you beg to come with me to the store, you put me on the spot in front of other people by asking me for a candy bar, knowing I’m not gonna say no in front of them. I think I _more_ than deserve something for being jerked around by you today.”

A knot formed in Ben’s gut as Kyle listed off all the ways he had been mistreated, making Ben feel absolutely horrible, and he began to feel guilty for moping earlier on the balcony.

“Y-you’re right Kyle. I’m sorry...” Every word from his mouth was a whisper, which only made Kyle jerk his head up by his hair.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.” The larger man pushed himself down on Ben’s chest just a bit more, causing Ben to cough.

“I’m sorry Kyle! You’re right, I h-have been unfair to you!” Another weak cough came from him as he shook beneath the other man. “I’m s-sorry!”

“Good. Now open your goddamn mouth so I can get what _I_ fucking want.”

Releasing Ben’s hair and moving up off the boy’s chest, Kyle pulled his underwear down, letting his cock hang loose. Ben’s eyes glazed over as he closed them, opening his mouth and letting his tongue hang out to guide Kyle in. The larger man would do most of the work for him, meaning all he had to do was lie there and take it.

Ben tried to think of other things. He tried thinking of the candy bar he was going to eat afterwards. He tried thinking of being asleep later on. He even tried thinking of his earliest memories with Kyle. Every so often, he’d cough as the older man slid too far in, and tears would trickle down his cheeks, staining the sheets beneath him. Once the familiar, bitter taste landed on his tongue, he quickly swallowed it down, sitting up on the edge of the bed as Kyle left to go enjoy some more TV. The Twix bar had been tossed on the bed beside him, and as Ben stared at the gold wrapper, more tears erupted from his eyes.

All of this had been over the piece of 89 cent candy that Ben had wanted. He was awash with regret, wishing he had never asked for it, or even asked to go on the walk at all! Had he made everything worse now? His only hope now was dinner, and that perhaps they could end the night on a good note.

 _I can't fuck this up, I can't._ Ben's hands shook as he stood up from the bed and tucked the chocolate bar into his pocket. Making a brief stop in the bathroom to splash water on his face and rinse out his mouth, he walked into the kitchen and grabbed the pot from the sink as quietly as possible, filling it with water and a pinch of salt, watching Kyle on the couch as the other man focused on the TV. Ben opened the box of pasta with his shirt, muffling the sound a bit. There was a tension in the air, and he was afraid that if he was just a little too loud that Kyle would accuse him of ruining his show. It was a risk he refused to take.

The water began boiling soon enough and Ben carefully poured the pasta in, stirring with an old wooden spoon he'd dug out of a drawer a while back. Keeping track of the time without a timer, he grabbed out a pot lid and waited, before draining the water carefully, only spilling a few shells into the sink. Kyle remained silent, still paying him no attention, while Ben put the pasta back in the pot and mixed the cheese into the shells. Splitting the mac and cheese 60-40 into two bowls, Ben added the breadcrumbs and reached into the fridge for a beer and a water, then carried the bowls over to the couch, going around the other side as to not cut across Kyle's vision, and placed everything on the coffee table.

"Here, Kyle," Ben kept his voice soft, "I made dinner." The other man's eyebrow went up at the sight of the uneven bowls, but relaxed when his partner pushed the fuller bowl his direction. Ben kept his eyes down at his food while he ate. He knew Kyle would speak to him when he'd forgiven him, if he did, but he wasn't expecting a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to meet a warm gaze and froze, food dropping off his spoon back into the bowl.

"Thank you, Ben. This dinner really means a lot. Definitely feels like a step in the right direction." Ben watched him take a bite, a smile slowly returning to his face.

"G-good! I'm glad, I just... I feel really bad. And you always like it when I cook, so-" Before he could finish, Kyle shushed him gently, laughing quietly to himself.

"I know, I know, and I appreciate that. But for now, let's just enjoy dinner. You can make it up to me some more later, sound good?" Once the two of them had finished off their bowls and set them aside, Ben looked up at Kyle endearingly, and the other man shook his head with a smirk, pulling him to his side. Shutting his eyes, Ben focused on the rise and fall of his boyfriend's rib cage. The sounds from the TV were becoming a hum of white noise, and the post-dinner drowsiness set in, causing him to nod off a bit. Eventually, the sounds ended, and Kyle stood up slowly, the smaller man slipping down onto the couch. He kneeled down and gave him a small peck on the cheek.

"Hey, I'm going to bed. If you could clean up the kitchen before you do too, I'd really appreciate it." Ben smiled up at him behind tired eyes and nodded.

"Yeah, I'll do that," his words were mumbled as he sat up, rubbing his face a bit and yawning. "See you in bed."

All Ben got in response was a quick ruffle of his hair as the other man left the room, and Ben leaned on the back of the couch, staring at the kitchen and slowly blinking as he psyched himself up for more work. That was when he remembered the candy bar still in his pocket and quickly pulled it out, feeling the melted chocolate from under the wrapper, and he sighed weakly.


	4. To Be Understood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late November, 2014.

_Hey, today’s been awful. Can we meet up at the usual place?_

_Yeah, for sure. Want me to bring some Mcds?_

_Pleeeeaaase, I haven’t eaten like_

_All day_

_You got it, boss_

—

Ben hopped off the bus at the park roughly 15 minutes from school, in the direction opposite from home. He and Kyle had started talking within the first week of school starting, and within a couple of months began hanging out in person, even if it was just at the park. Still, it got the boy away from his parents for a few hours (under the guise of studying with friends), which was worth it. He’d thoroughly chewed the inside of his cheeks that day from the stress of school, and needed to vent badly.

The familiar sight of Kyle’s car pulling into the parking lot minutes later perked him right up, and Ben hopped up from the bench to greet him, bouncing on his feet a bit. The older man was carrying three bags of McDonald’s over to the nearby bench, pulling out the burgers and nuggets while leaving the third bag, which had all the fries, alone.

“Awww yes! You’re the best, seriously.” Ben could hardly stop himself from grabbing one of the nugget boxes and some BBQ sauce from Kyle’s hands and he plopped himself down on the bench alongside his backpack, excitedly digging in. The other man laughed and opened up one of his burgers, bringing it up to his mouth to take a bite as he watched the boy devour his food in a hurry. Ben’s hand darted into the fry bag and he took a large handful, dropping them onto the lid of his nuggets so he could pick from them instead of the whole bag.

The two of them ate quickly, with Ben hardly speaking, until he filled up and sat back, sighing contentedly. Kyle bundled up the rest of the food they didn’t eat and took it back to his car before returning to walk with Ben.

“I can tell you needed that.” The man tucked his hands into his jacket pockets and kept a semi-brisk pace along the pathway, with Ben sticking somewhat close, though he hung back.

“Yeah, although, maybe you could slow down a little? Tryin’a digest here…” Holding his stomach a bit, he tugged on Kyle’s sleeve and groaned. The other man slowed his step and allowed Ben to hang onto him, until he let go and stood up straight. “Ok, I think I’m good, just… don’t go too fast, ok?”

“Gotcha.” The low rumble of a chuckle in Kyle’s throat made Ben smirk, and he shook his head a little bit as he walked, keeping pace with the other man. “So what’s eatin’ ya?” Ben took a deep breath before he responded.

“Well, midterm projects are coming up in a few classes, and lately my grades have been B’s with a few A’s, instead of the other way around. And my parents just can’t accept that, I guess? They keep getting on my ass when they’re not on each others’ asses, and just,” Ben gripped his face with his hands and growled, “I need a BREAK from them!”

Kyle remained silent and nodded as the boy vented, while the two of them circled the park. They’d already gone around it twice and Ben was still worked up, so once they were near the entrance again, he interjected.

“Hey, you want to go somewhere? Like, up into the hills? Maybe get some screams out, since we’re kinda in the middle of town here.” Ben stopped abruptly and looked at him, face a little red. He’d always met with him in a public place and never considered going somewhere more private. Even so, Kyle had never been untrustworthy, and the boy admittedly wanted some space to be emotional if need be.

“Sure, but not too far. I don’t wanna be out too long or my parents will worry.” Kyle’s eyes lit up and he led Ben over to his car, moving the leftover McDonald’s to the backseat as he slid into the driver’s seat. When Ben climbed into the passenger’s side, he started anxiously bouncing his leg, both from being in Kyle’s car for the first time, and also from looking forward to going somewhere new with him.

“So, why spend so much time with me anyway?” the boy asked. “Why not hang out with people more your age? I mean, I’m not complaining, I like having a friend who’s also a full-on adult, but it seems kinda weird, you know?” Ben looked over at the man, who relaxed his face and glanced over at him as he drove.

“Well believe it or not, it’s hard to meet people when you get older. And besides, you’re an interesting person, and the way you talk makes it sound like you’re an adult, you know? I forget you’re young.” Readjusting himself in his seat, he added, “I’m sure you got that a lot when you were growin’ up.” Ben’s face went red again and his leg bobbing sped up a little bit.

“Maybe so. How would you know, anyway?” The other man chuckled.

“Because you’re a smart kid. And smart kids always run circles around everyone else their age. I’m sure you’ve had adults admiring your maturity for a long ass time.” His eyes were trained on Ben for a few seconds before returning to the road. “Talking to you is… refreshing.”

A warmth grew in Ben’s chest as he listened to Kyle calling him mature, and he felt a bit of pride in response.

“Well, thank you.” He stretched his legs out a bit as they continued out into more of the desert and mountains, the distant city sitting higher and higher on the horizon, until Kyle turned at a sign for one of the scenic lookouts. This time of year there weren’t any other visitors, and the campsites were a few miles off. Pulling off the road and shutting off his car, Kyle slowly opened the door, stepping out into the breeze. They weren’t up too high, but the slight elevation change was enough for there to be a cool, late fall wind.

“Oh man, you weren’t kidding. This IS fairly isolated.” The occasional car went by, but they were otherwise alone, and Ben leaned back against the door, settling into his sweatshirt more. “Getting this far away from things though, and seeing how small they are…” He trailed off.

“Makes it all kinda feel irrelevant, right? Sometimes I come out here when I need to clear my head. For such a big city, L.A. sure does start to feel like a town from all the way out here.” Digging around in his pocket, Kyle pulled out a lone cigarette and a lighter, and cupping his hand over the end, flicked on the flame. Taking a drag, he kept his eyes out in the distance. Ben moved over beside him and looked out at the city and the overcast skies mingling with the smog.

“No kidding…” The boy spoke more to himself than to Kyle, who glanced down at him and exhaled, blowing smoke out of the corner of his mouth.

“You want to try?” Ben looked up at him and tilted his head.

“What, smoking? Nah, my dad smokes so I tried it once. It’s not for me.” Shrugging his shoulders, he leaned forward on the guard railing and gently rapped his fingers on the metal. The other man responded with a thoughtful puff of his cigarette.

“Good for you. Normally I smoke weed, but this job regularly drug tests, so I had to fill the habit with something else. I’ve been tryin’ to quit, but y’know, nicotine and all.” Flicking the embers off the end, he sighed and turned to sit against the railing, looking over at Ben. “You feelin' better?”

The boy didn’t immediately respond, but eventually he turned around and sat against the guard rail as well. Hugging his arms as the breeze blew through him, he shrugged.

“Maybe a bit. Still, I gotta go back and deal with everything, deal with my parents’ high expectations, and it’s just... a lot.” Putting up his hood, he crossed his arms and sighed. Kyle hesitated for a second before putting a hand on Ben’s shoulder, causing him to look up.

“If it helps, this is your last year of high school. In less than a year, you’re gonna be free of it forever.” Ben tilted his head back and groaned.

“Yes, but then it’s college. It’s just… so much. All of it. I don’t even know what I want to do. But I’ve got this school year to figure it out, I guess.” Glancing up at Kyle’s face and seeing the earnest smile he had made Ben blush, and he looked away. “But I appreciate that. At least I’ve got different freedom in college.”

“Yeah, look at it that way!” Kyle took another drag from his cigarette before extinguishing it on the metal railing and pushing it back into his pocket to save for later. “A whole new world of opportunity. Whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed, just try to come back here, mentally. Remind yourself that there’s a whole lot more world out there than just what you see day to day.”

His hand slipped down Ben’s back to between his shoulder blades before he pulled it away, grabbing his keys from his pocket.

“C’mon, I’d better get you home.” Ben nodded and retreated to the car as the wind blew harder, enjoying the heat when it came on. Warming his fingers in front of the vent, he watched as Kyle settled in beside him and turned out of the lookout, heading away back towards town.

“You should probably drop me off a block away and I’ll just walk up. Seems less suspicious, since they’re expecting me to be coming back from the bus stop.” Kyle chuckled and continued driving, listening to Ben’s verbal directions. The boy lead him into the suburbs, and stopping just short of the bus stop, hopped out of the car after grabbing his backpack.

“Thanks for taking me home. I’ll hit you up sometime soon, maybe at school tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted.” He leaned down to speak through the open window, tilting his head and smiling at the older man, who returned with a slight grin of his own and a relaxed gaze.

“Sounds good, Ben. I look forward to it.”

As Ben stepped away from the car and headed for home, he kept the car in the corner of his eye, noticing it wasn’t moving. When he glanced back, he spotted Kyle taking out the cigarette from earlier and lighting it, before pulling away from the curb to drive home, and he gave a small salute with his fingers as he passed by.


	5. Punishment Enough

Ben stared up at the light peeking in through the small window above the bed. His eyes tracked the movement of dust particles dancing around in the rays, keeping the rest of his body very still. One bit of dust broke free of the cloud and floated down towards his nose, swaying back and forth, and he blew up more air from his mouth to keep it airborne. His ribs ached and pursing his lips caused them to split in a few places, making him sigh weakly.

Slowly turning his head to the side, Ben stared at the cold, empty space where Kyle had been an hour before. The call of a full bladder urged him to sit up, and he only begrudgingly obliged, whimpering to himself as he wrenched himself from the mattress. He took his sweet time getting up before stumbling his way over to the bathroom. After a quick piss, he stepped to the side to wash his hands, keeping his head down for as long as he could until his curiosity grew the better of him, and he looked up into the mirror to assess the damage.

His chest was marred with a couple huge bruises, and the bags under his eyes were darker than he’d ever seen them before. Licking his lips, he winced as his tongue brushed over the biggest split, knowing that it’d only get worse as the day went on. He raised a hand up and brushed out his hair with his fingers, his thoughts plagued with how he’d manage to get through the day in this much pain.

A note had been left for Ben, which he read after stopping in the bedroom to change, containing a list of chores that Kyle evidently wanted to make sure were done before he got home. There were no kind words like “love you!” on the note anywhere; it was a task list and not anything lovey. “Living room” was at the very top of the list, and Ben glazed over as he saw the mess left there for him. Several cans of beer and empty chip and candy bags littered the coffee table, along with Kyle’s bong and some of his weed.

Grabbing a trash bag, Ben began picking up the leftover garbage, leaving the bong alone for now while he discerned which containers of weed to save and which were empty and could be tossed. He moved the bong over to the kitchen counter and set to work wiping off the coffee table and vacuuming up crumbs from the couch and floor, leaving the hand vac on the table so he could use it once he was done sweeping. Of course, being in pain and not eating much the last several days left him significantly weaker than normal, and Ben sat down on the arm of the couch to catch his breath, closing his eyes momentarily.

_I have to eat something…_

Darting over to the fridge, he cracked it open and found almost nothing. A couple Powerades rested on the door, and the remnants of a rotisserie chicken Kyle had bought for himself several nights ago were sitting in a container, but very little was otherwise in there, and none of it he was allowed to touch. The pantry was equally as barren, and Ben shrunk back, hugging himself as his eyes watered. 

Turning back to the broom closet, he pulled out the rest of his cleaning supplies and busied himself with tidying up the living room. In no time at all, the place looked livable again, and he took the opportunity to drop down onto the couch and relax. A couple minutes turned into an hour, and he awoke from his unexpected nap with his stomach lurching.

_Just an hour… it’s okay, it was just an hour…_

An hour less to work on his chores, though, but he knew that.

Spying the bong on the counter, Ben realized that he still hadn’t completely finished his first task, especially since Kyle always expected it to be waiting for him in front of the couch every night. After getting up quickly and having to brace himself on the couch while the blood pressure in his head stabilized, he walked over to the counter and grabbed it. Rounding the corner, he stumbled forward towards the fridge, still feeling a bit dizzy, but misplaced his hand and fell completely to the ground – and landed on the bong.

The glass shattered beneath his weight and cut deeply into his chest, neck, arm, and hand, staining the floor with blood as he cried out. For the moment, all he could do was scream, unable to push himself free, but as the searing pain filled his head, he focused every ounce of strength he had to use his uninjured hand to push off the ground and sit back against the fridge. Ben was hysterical, hoping that maybe someone would hear his wails and call 911, but he knew from experience that no one would hear him.

Picking pieces of glass out of his skin, he whimpered as more blood ran down his front. He was so preoccupied with his current situation that he almost forgot about the chores he had to do, and once again, he broke down into more sobbing, wanting so _badly_ to get up and keep going, but even he knew that doing such a thing was futile. Part of him wondered if perhaps he SHOULD just bleed out. If he passed out or died, he wouldn’t be in any more pain, and he wouldn’t have to worry about what Kyle would think when he got home.

_Kyle…_

But he knew he couldn’t do that. His eyes clouded up again at the thought of his beloved coming home to find him dead on the floor, a sorrowful moan bubbling up in his throat. He knew how distraught he would be if he ever woke up and found Kyle dead, and knowing how much his boyfriend needed him, he’d probably be even more upset if he were in that situation. Today, Ben knew he didn’t want to die.

Pressing back against the fridge, he stood up. He had no option but to keep leaning back, since the blood loss only weakened him, and he would continue to worsen if he slowed down. Making his way slowly against the wall, he headed into the bedroom and sat down beside his pile of dirty laundry, breath shaking as he calmed himself down. One of the shirts on top was a bit bigger, so he grabbed it and pressed it to his chest, while a smaller one he wrapped around his arm. The bleeding would stop at the cost of the tiny shards of glass lodged in his arm being forced in a little further. Now, all Ben could do was wait for Kyle to come home and find him.

The hours passed as Ben faded in and out of sleep. The bleeding did stop, although glass still remained in his skin, and every time he woke up, the light had moved further across the bedroom. Eventually it disappeared, and gradually the room grew dark, leaving Ben terribly alone and fearful. Kyle _never_ came home late, and the longer he was out, the more Ben worried that something had happened to him. Perhaps he’d gotten drunk and was pulled over, then he wouldn’t be able to come home for several days! Or worse, if he’d gotten into an accident, he might even be _dead!_ Tears trickled out of his eyes and his body shook.

By the time Kyle did arrive, Ben was somewhere halfway between waking and sleeping, and even the slamming of the door didn’t phase him. He couldn’t really tell what he was hearing, but it sounded like his boyfriend moving about in the living room. There was almost no energy left in his body to call out to him, so he hoped that he would see the mess in the kitchen and look for him. And yet, the only thing he heard was the TV turning on and Kyle dropping down onto the couch, the sounds of wrestling echoing out of the TV speakers.

“Fuck, I missed the first 10 minutes.” The man remained oblivious to the whereabouts of his housemate, instead being sucked into his show. Ben mustered up all the strength he could to cry out, but all that came out was a soft moan, one that certainly wouldn’t be heard over the TV. The boy was so desperate to be noticed, and even the pain that had dulled earlier was coming back, bringing tears to his eyes again.

For about a half hour, Ben went completely unnoticed. Pulling out some weed he bought earlier that night, Kyle reached out for his bong and found it not where he expected it to be.

“Where the fuck’s my bong?” When his question was met with silence, he called out a bit louder.

“Ben? Where did you put my bong?” Looking back at the kitchen, he saw the lights off in the bedroom and bathroom down the hall, and a bit of anger flickered in him. The mess from this morning was still there! Why did he think he could afford to take a nap if he hadn’t done all his chores? Slamming his hands down on the coffee table, he stood up and stormed off towards the bedroom, where Ben was cowering and whimpering.

_Please discover the blood on the floor…_

Unfortunately, Kyle had tunnel vision for the bedroom, and with no light on besides the lamp he turned on beside the TV, he didn’t catch the mess in the kitchen. Kyle slammed the light switch with his palm of his hand and bore his eyes down at the bed, only to find that Ben wasn’t on it. Instead, he was sitting on the floor against the wall, curled up under his dirty laundry.

“What the fuck is this!? What the hell are you doing in here?” His furious glare wore its way into Ben, even though the smaller man wasn’t even looking at him. In fact, he didn’t even move. His eyes had glazed over and he tried not to focus on the aching pain, which was only made worse by Kyle kicking him lightly with his boot.

“C’mon, get up.” When he didn’t get an immediate response, he kicked him again, just a bit harder. “Ben, come ON. What’s your problem?” Bending down, he ripped the extra clothes off of him, revealing the blood-soaked shirt Ben was wearing still. The shock of the sight took him aback and he grimaced, all the anger he had just felt fading away.

“Oh Jesus, Ben…” Squatting down, he forcefully tilted Ben’s head back, looking into his eyes to see them still moving and blinking, but with him otherwise not moving around. Kyle was no longer afraid that his boyfriend was dead, and his touch became far more gentle, carefully undoing the shirt Ben had wrapped around his arm. Delicately pulling the boy’s shirt off his body, he could see all the spots where the glass had cut into him, and he felt a small pang of regret at how furious he’d been.

Kyle glanced down at the floor and saw the trail of blood leading out to the kitchen, and standing up again, followed it back to its origin on the floor in front of the fridge, shattered glass still spread out on the floor. Groaning, he walked back into the bedroom and carefully picked Ben up, carrying him to the bathroom and sitting him down on the toilet after closing the lid. He kept a first-aid kit under the sink and grabbed it, pulling out antiseptic and bandages. There was still glass in most of his wounds, which he knew needed to be removed, so after finding his tweezers in the medicine cabinet, he pulled Ben off the toilet and sat down on it, placing the boy in his lap.

The next twenty minutes he spent carefully inspecting each cut for glass and removing any he found. Ben had completely surrendered himself to Kyle, closing his eyes and tuning out the bits of pain he felt every now and then, which eventually grew more and more infrequent.

“I gotta get you in the shower. We need to clean you up and I’m not gonna just wipe you off with a wet towel.” As he spoke, he started pulling Ben’s pants and underwear off. Standing up, he carried the smaller man over to the tub and set him down, and grabbing the showerhead, pointed it away from him while he let the water warm up. Ben shivered in the cold tub, the edges of the even colder water making him quietly yelp. Once the water was hot enough, Kyle pointed it at Ben, carefully tilting his head back so he could rinse off his neck as well. Every bit of blood was washed away, and when Ben opened his eyes, he smiled just the slightest bit at how much Kyle was taking care of him.

The boy was patted dry with a towel before Kyle disinfected the wounds and bandaged them up. Not wanting to go through the effort of dressing him, he simply wrapped the towel around Ben and carried him back to the bedroom, placing him on the bed.

“I’ll be right back. I’m gonna go get us dinner, since I can’t really use the kitchen.” Kyle stepped back and left the light on, his eyes catching sight of the blood trail again. More than likely, he’d need to clean that up before it ruined the floor, but for now, he had some McD’s to grab.

Ben curled up with the towel, being too tired to reach down for the blanket, and allowed himself to fall asleep. For the moment, anyway, he didn’t have to worry about all the tasks he didn’t do, or the fact he’d broken Kyle’s bong. In that moment, Ben knew that Kyle wasn’t mad at him, and that he understood the situation. For the first time in a long time, he felt genuinely _relieved_.

Kyle returned quickly enough with dinner; two Big Macs, a large fry, and duo large sodas. Quietly bringing it into the bedroom, he laid down beside Ben and kicked off his boots, pulling the smaller man up so he’d be sitting up with him. Setting their drinks between them, Kyle pulled out the burgers, leaving the fries in the bag so they wouldn’t make a mess, although he did take the ketchup packets out. Ben used his good arm to unwrap his burger, grabbing one of the packets and opening it with his teeth before squirting it on the wrapper for the two of them to dip fries in. Seeing this, Kyle couldn’t help but smile, and leaning over to him, planted a kiss on the top of his head.

“Today was punishment enough for breaking my bong.” Ben looked up at him with wide eyes, hoping that he was serious.

“Yeah? I-I still feel like I should be doing more for you. I mean, you use that bong every day.” Popping a few more fries into his mouth, he stayed quiet and waited for his boyfriend to respond. Kyle merely chuckled.

“That’s because you’re a kind, caring person, Ben.” He pulled the smaller man closer. “You like to right your wrongs, and I’ve always admired that about you.” Ben blushed and glanced away, taking another bite of his burger.

“You sure it wasn’t just my body that you’ve always been a fan of?” The boy teased. Kyle moved his head down and brushed his lips over Ben’s ear, exhaling lightly to send a shiver down his boyfriend’s back, fingertips tracing the bumps of his spine.

“That’s a given, and you know it.” His voice remained a low murmur, but his fingers slid to the boy’s side. Ben noticed the other man starting to move in on him, so he hurriedly moved their food off the bed while Kyle climbed on top of him and moved him down to the mattress. With a soft yelp, he found their hands interlaced, part of Kyle’s weight bearing down on his injured arm.

“U-um, Kyle, my arm-” Instead of responding, his boyfriend pushed their lips together, gripping his hands more tightly, before pulling away slightly.

“You’re fine.” Now his tongue slipped into Ben’s mouth, and Ben was treated to the mixture of whatever food remained in Kyle’s mouth mixing with his own. The pressure on his arm remained, and he quietly groaned, which Kyle mistook for pleasure, and he lowered himself onto the smaller man.

After a day like today, Ben desperately hoped it wouldn’t go all the way to sex. Kyle was grinding against his body, definitely getting an erection, but instead he moved off of him and sat back down beside him, grabbing his drink and taking a long sip.

“I’m letting you off the hook tonight,” His right hand started undoing his pants and he pulled down his underwear, stroking himself slowly in front of Ben. “You can finish eating, I’ll be quick.”

Kyle’s motions with his hand sped up as Ben watched, then glanced away, grabbing his burger again. The redness returned to his face as he took bites and listened to the sounds of Kyle’s rhythmic breathing. Ben grabbed a small handful of fries and shoved them into his mouth without dipping them, when he felt a hand slide down his back and grope his ass. He froze, almost dropping a few fries, before moving them to his mouth and ignoring Kyle’s hand creeping down between his cheeks. Even if they weren’t having sex, he couldn’t keep his hands off of him.

Soon enough, Kyle groaned and slowed his strokes, sliding his hand up over the tip of his cock to catch the mess, which had started running down his length. Removing his hand from Ben’s ass, he grabbed a napkin and cleaned himself off. Ben watched him stand up and toss his food into the bag.

“I’m gonna go catch up on my show then head to bed. Long day and all. Don’t worry about the mess in the kitchen, it can be cleaned tomorrow.” Leaning down, he left a small kiss on Ben’s head before leaving the room.

Ben powered through the rest of his dinner and washed his hands off in the bathroom, trying to keep the bandages dry. It’d been so nice of Kyle to take care of him and even buy him fast food, and he knew he’d have to make it up to him sooner rather than later, especially considering all the debts he was rapidly racking up.


	6. Looking Out for You

“God fucking damnit!!” Kyle’s loud voice accompanying him dropping down onto the bed shook Ben awake, and he rubbed his eyes before turning around to see what was up. Pulling the blanket over his shoulders, he saw Kyle staring at some opened mail, biting his lip anxiously.

“What’s wrong?” He reached for the paper which Kyle handed to him before leaning his head against the wall.

“Rent’s going up in a month. I’m already spending most of my paychecks on rent, and with this additional upcharge, we’re only gonna have MAYBE $100 a month for food. For the both of us.” The man rubbed his head and closed his eyes, stress rolling off of him in waves, while Ben read over the paper with bleary eyes.

“Huh… well, what can we do about it?” He asked. Kyle scoffed at him.

“Fuck-all. I’m not in line for a raise at work, and we can’t afford to move anywhere else. God…” He moved up to pace around the room, and Ben stayed silent for a moment.

“What if… I got a job?” Their eyes met and Kyle’s brow went up.

“W… wait, you, get a job…? You don’t even have a resume, Ben, a-and what can you even do? You can’t work manual labor, and I need you here.” Ben watched him squat down beside the bed as he himself sat up, leaning forward to rest his arms on his knees.

“Well, there’s the corner store nearby. I wouldn’t be far, you could check up on me if you were worried, and it’s of minimal risk to me.” There was clear panic in Kyle’s face, which he tried to hide by looking away, but Ben laid forward on the bed and looked up into his eyes. “Come on, think of all the extra money we’d get!” 

The boy reached a hand up to Kyle, who took it and gently curled his own hand over it. His eyes still glanced away as he considered the idea. Sliding down to his knees, he lowered his head down to kiss Ben on the lips, and began lightly stroking the smaller man’s cheek.

“Part-time, okay? I really do need you here, but if you think you can handle it… then I trust you.” He leaned in for another kiss, and Ben smiled up at him.

“I might not be able to bring home beer, but I can bring home snacks! Y'know, besides just bringing home a paycheck.” A finger slid along the boy’s jaw.

“Actually, I’ll need your paycheck, so I can cash it and put it towards rent. But I’ll give you the rest of it, don’t worry.” Sitting back, Kyle stood up and walked out of the bedroom towards the kitchen, the sounds of him preparing breakfast starting to fill the apartment.

Ben rubbed his face again as he stood up from the bed. The best he could do was pray they were desperate for or indifferent to applicants, since without a resume, all he had was his word. He didn’t own any nice clothes, but he could at least throw on something clean and hope for the best. Sifting through the scattered clothes beside the bed, he found a pair of black jeans he hadn’t worn in months, as well as a blue faded button up shirt he’d brought with him when he left home originally. How it was even still around when it hadn’t seen use in over three years was a mystery to him.

The wrinkles on it were terrible, but Ben was wise to the old trick of getting rid of them, which worked out nicely with his intention to shower anyway. Without any hangers though, he was stuck draping it over the shower rod. Grabbing a towel, he closed the bathroom door and turned the water on, making the water hotter than he normally did. He knew Kyle could forgive him for this, as well as using a little extra shampoo. After ten minutes, Kyle knocked on the door.

“Hey, Ben! What’s taking so long?” His voice had a sense of urgency to it, and Ben sighed.

“I’m steaming my clothes while I shower, gotta get the wrinkles out or I’m gonna make a shitty first impression.” The response he got was a scoff.

“Alright, but hurry up. If you can’t find a job then we’re gonna be in the hole even further with the energy bill.”

Ben stepped out of the shower and toweled off, grabbing the shirt and taking it to the bedroom to stretch it a bit. By the time he was done, the worst of the wrinkles were gone, although a few stubborn ones remained, which he anticipated. Pulling on a pair of clean underwear, he shook out his hair and combed it out with his fingers. Kyle stood in the doorway as he got dressed, eyes relaxed as he sipped a soda, admiring the view.

“I’d say you should dress up more, but we both know that’ll never happen. You look good though, babe.” Ben’s cheeks flushed as he was checked out. Although he wasn’t a huge fan of the look, he still tucked in his shirt and buttoned up the sleeves.

“Hmm, I… don’t think I have any dress shoes. And your feet are too big, so I can’t wear any of yours. You think sneakers will do?” He bit his lip and glanced around frantically.

“Looks like they’ll have to. Just… turn on your charm and be honest. I’m sure you’ll get the job.” Stepping away from the doorframe, he turned and went back out to the living room, followed by Ben as he grabbed his shoes. There were scuff marks and dirt all over them, so a quick spot clean at the sink was needed.

“Alright, I’m headed out.” Ben kneeled down to tie his laces at the door. “You’ll probably need to get me a spare key so I can lock up when I go to shifts, so if I get the job,” he stood up and dusted himself off, “You’ll wanna do that.”

Kyle waved him off with his soda in hand, calling after Ben with a “good luck” as the door closed behind him.

He’d pay a visit to the nearby corner store they’d gone to the other day, and if they turned him away, he had a few others he’d try his luck at. The sun was out, a little after noon, but the temp stayed fairly low, so Ben kept up a brisk pace having forgotten to bring a jacket. Fortunately, it wasn’t a particularly long walk, and in no time, he’d arrived at the doors of the store. Stepping in, he saw no one but the cashier, who was reading a magazine.

“Uh, hello?” Ben waved a hand lightly, hoping to not seem threatening. The cashier sighed as he put aside the magazine and stood up straighter.

“Can I help you?” Glancing around for a moment, he swallowed the lump in his throat and stood up more as well, trying to channel the confidence he used to have.

“Hi, I was wondering if I could apply for a position here? Part-time, day shift ideally.” Ben placed his hands on the counter and lightly rapped his fingers on the surface.

“Do you have a resume?” When Ben’s expression fell, the cashier raised an eyebrow and scanned him.

“N-no. I don’t have a computer at home, and this is my first job. I can clean, I can talk to people, I-” The cashier raised his hand and cut him off.

“Stop, you don’t need to tell me this. The manager’s in the bathroom, why don’t you tell him when he gets out?” As if to punctuate his words, someone walked into the store and headed up to the counter asking for cigarettes, and the cashier waved Ben aside. After only a minute or two, a middle-aged man exited the bathroom and headed for the area behind the register.

“Excuse me, sir? I was looking for a part-time position here? I don’t have a resume, but-” Once again, Ben was cut off as the man shook his head.

“No resume, no job. Sorry, kid.” Ben put his hands out and moved in front of the counter again.

“Please, this would be my first job, I don’t have the ability to make a resume, and I desperately need this. Five minutes of your time, please?” Giving the man his best puppy-dog look, he desperately hoped he’d be allowed an interview. The cashier exchanged glances with his manager, who shook his head again and exhaled loudly.

“Fine, follow me to the office.” Waving his hand for Ben to follow, he led the two of them into a tiny room with a dated computer and endless stacks of papers. The manager moved one of the stacks off the spare chair and placed them on the floor, then pulled the chair forward for Ben to sit down across from him.

“So, what’s your name then?” The man crossed his legs and folded his arms as he sized Ben up.

“Ben Jeong. Uh, well, Benjamin Jeong. I go by Ben though.” His words were received with a nod.

“Why do you want this job, Ben?”

“W-well, I’ve been going to this store for a few years now, so I’m familiar with it, and I really need to help my roommate out with rent, since it’s going up. I figured… of all the places around here I could apply to, I’d probably actually like working at this one.” Perhaps there was a bit of bullshitting in there, but Ben didn’t really care. He’d never done a job interview before and was doing his very best.

“What sorts of skills do you have? Since you don’t have a resume, I have to ask this question. Same goes for prior experience, even if it’s not work-related.” The man’s head tilted a bit as he watched Ben prepare his answer.

“Well, most of my days are spent cleaning. I have no problem cleaning up anything at this point, since it’s the majority of my work at home.” Ben paused, trying to think of something else to say. “I may not have had a real job before, but I used to... help out my church with events. Handed out tickets, that sort of thing.” Before he could continue, the man interjected.

“What’s the name of the church?” Of course, he had been lying, covering up for the fact that he had no real experience working with the general public. Ben thought for a moment, realizing he couldn’t make up a name.

“I don’t remember. We didn’t go for very long before we moved.” Hopefully this would be a good enough answer for the man.

“Alright. We’ve got some available shifts, if you’d like to pick them up. Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday, 6 a.m. to 2 p.m., Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday 2 p.m. to 10 p.m., and Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. What sounds good to you?”

Ben’s face lit up as he realized this was basically a job offer, and he quickly thought in his head about which shifts would be best for him. Night shifts put him at off-schedule from Kyle, which was no good (and he’d already intended to only go after day shifts anyway), and he needed to be around in the evening before Kyle went to sleep, so he was stuck with the early morning shifts.

“I’ll take all the 6am to 2pm ones, please. Thank you so much!” The man stood up and pushed his chair in, grabbing his jacket off the back and walking over to a small closet. Inside near the top were a bunch of green and purple polo shirts in bags, and he flipped through them.

“What are you, a small? A medium?” Ben darted over and tried not to bounce on his toes.

“Medium, please.” His new manager handed him the shirt, which he tucked under his arm.

“Alright, Ben. Since I haven’t told you my name yet, I’m Nick. The other employee you met is Carson, and you’ll eventually meet the others. I’ll write you onto the schedule and have you start tomorrow, so be here promptly.” As Nick talked, he went back into the office and picked up a pen from the desk, adding Ben’s name to a sheet of paper attached to the white board. Once that was done, he went through some of the tax paperwork with him and Ben filled everything out as best he could.

“Looking forward to starting!” Ben bounded out of the store and ran home, excited to give Kyle the good news. Practically busting the door down, he hopped onto the couch and hugged his boyfriend tightly, squealing to himself.

“I got the job!! In fact, I start tomorrow!!” He kissed Kyle’s face all over as the other man pushed him off.

“That’s great, Ben! Takes a load off me to know we’ve got another source of income. What’re your hours?” Ben slid down beside him and put his new shirt on the coffee table.

“Uh, Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday. Early morning shift, 6 a.m. to 2 p.m.”

Kyle’s face was unchanging, but Ben could see him swallow a lump. To hide it, the other man put a hand on the boy’s knee and shook it, standing up and walking over to grab his jacket from the hangers beside the door.

“We should celebrate! And we gotta get you an alarm clock.” Ben grinned and hopped up from the couch, wiggling in place a bit. Kyle grabbed his keys and the two of them headed out after locking up.

The man owned a very dated ‘96 Toyota Camry, with the paint worn and scraped off in places from previous run-ins with concrete walls of parking garages and minor fender-benders. An old air-freshener hung from the rear-view mirror, doing nothing to mask the smell of weed and greasy French fries, while his rear bumper had a few faded stickers on it, one of which was put on by the car’s previous owner and been partially removed by Kyle. The fabric upholstery was clearly old, the seats containing a few mystery stains as well as the crumbs that resided in the crevices. A faint squealing sound could be heard as it was started up, reminding Ben how much he'd come to hate riding in it. He’d prefer to walk any day. Still, it was a means to an end so he could get to work on time.

They drove about fifteen minutes away to the nearest Walmart, parking relatively close to the front. Kyle asked Ben to grab a cart on the way in, and they wandered through the food aisles first, picking up a few things every so often. Once they reached the alcohol section, however, Kyle had him stop beside the chilled six-packs.

“We should celebrate tonight, get you a little tipsy.” Ben’s face went red and he looked away.

“Kyle, is that really such a good idea? I-I have my first shift _tomorrow_ and besides,” his voice lowered, “ _I’m underage_.” Kyle only laughed.

“Come on, Ben. It’s just a little alcohol. No one said you have to get shitfaced. Like I said, it’s just for fun.” His hand reached over and picked up a case of Smirnoff, placing it in the cart. “I’m even getting something fruity for you. You’ve gotta at least try it.”

Ben didn’t really have a say in it anyhow. Instead, he shrugged and nodded.

“Let’s just… go get that clock and head home, okay? I’m gonna have to get to sleep by like, 10:30 tonight, I wanna take care of stuff early enough so I can chill out before bed.” He was also admittedly eager to get out of the alcohol section.

“Alright, alright. Let me just pick up another case of what _I_ like first.”

They finished up their shopping and headed home after another ten minutes in the store, and by the time they got back home, it was almost dinnertime. Ben had begun cleaning up the kitchen while Kyle set up the alarm clock beside the bed. Once the dishes were done, Ben set to work preparing dinner, which was some seasoned chicken and rice. Kyle slunk into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around his partner, kissing him on the neck near where the wounds from the bong incident had been.

“Mmm, this is smelling great, babe. You know, I think you should try one of those drinks now.” As Ben turned around, Kyle opened up the fridge and pulled out one of the Smirnoffs, popping the cap, and handing it to him. His eyes appeared to narrow as Ben took the cold drink from his hand, and he leaned back against the opposite counter with his arms crossed.

Tipping it back, Ben sipped it gingerly, savoring the taste as the alcohol hit the back of his throat. It was a little rough, but he’d barely drank before so he just wasn’t used to it. His eyes darted up to Kyle’s. The man seemed to expect him to drink a little more, so he took another swig, and then another, leaving the bottle half empty. The smile that grew on Kyle’s face as he took the bottle from him sent a small chill down his spine.

“You enjoy it? It’s one of the first things people drink when they’re getting into beer. Rather than starting you out on a strong IPA or something.” Ben nodded slowly, then turned back to face the chicken cooking in the pan. Kyle rummaged around through the fridge again, pulling out a beer for himself and moving back over to the couch.

As he stood there cooking, Ben felt a weight begin to settle on his head, and the moment he turned his head to pick up the tongs, he felt himself start to spin.

“Wh-” He braced himself against the counter. The alcohol was already hitting him and his empty stomach. Blinking rapidly, he stared at the chicken and hurriedly took it out of the pan and put it onto a plate with the rice. Over on the couch, Kyle heard him stumble around with the plates, so he hopped up and went over to help, making sure to grab the rest of Ben’s drink as well as another from the fridge.

Ben only carried his plate over to the couch, setting it down on the coffee table as he plopped down. The alcohol was really kicking in now, and he practically fell on Kyle once he also sat down.

“Damn, Ben, what a pathetic tolerance you’ve got, heh.” Eating was somewhat of a struggle for the smaller man as he drank more alcohol with his meal, and by the time he finished it off, he was leaning against the back of the couch, eyes half closed.

“Did… did you set the thing for 5:30?” His words were a little slurred and he merely tilted his head up to look at Kyle, who nodded.

“Sure thing, sweet cheeks. I’m always lookin’ out for you, you know that.” He finished speaking and pushed the second bottle of Smirnoff into Ben’s hand. The boy lazily tipped back his drink and sucked down half in one go, knowing that the night was headed that way anyway. Although he didn’t necessarily mind the sensation of being tipsy, he felt more in control of his faculties when he was high, and the more he drank tonight, the more he realized he was slipping away from himself.

The second bottle was emptied less than a minute later, and Ben slipped down to the couch, his vision starting to smear. Down on his stomach, he could feel Kyle sliding his hands up his shirt. Ben groaned to himself as the other man’s touches got rougher, and yet he found himself too tired and out of it to move. This time, Kyle started giving him some of his own beer, which tasted much more bitter and almost pulled him out of his daze, and yet, he remained on the couch, eyes fluttering closed as his head spun.

The other man’s hands continued to wander, but eventually, Ben couldn’t tell where he was being touched. He barely registered anything, too exhausted and drunk to care. A few tears slipped out of his eyes. Although he appreciated Kyle trying to celebrate his new job, nothing about this felt good, and he felt guilty that his boyfriend had spent the money on a gift he didn’t even enjoy. Ben’s breathing shuddered, and he tried not to cry as the swirling in his brain sucked him down deeper until he eventually passed out.


	7. You Were There for Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mid December, 2014.

_Ben, you ok?_

_You haven’t sent anything all day._

_If you need some space, just lemme know, I don’t wanna bother you._

_Lookout_

_Omw_

—

The sun had finished setting by the time Kyle arrived at the lookout, with Ben leaning on the railing and staring out at the lights of L.A., tears streaking his face. Kyle pulled off the road in a hurry and hopped out of his car, dropping his keys into his pocket and zipping up his coat. Ben didn’t look over at him when he came up to his side. Sniffing back some tears, he laughed softly and wiped his eyes.

“It’s official, my parents split. Mom moved out last night when I was asleep.” Kyle’s stomach dropped as he heard the news and leaned on the rail, sighing.

“I’m so sorry, Ben.” He opened his mouth to speak again, but instead couldn’t find anything to say, so he stayed silent.

“You know, you see these things coming from a mile away, and they _still_ manage to catch you off-guard. They didn’t say shit to me, so I’m guessing they did all the paperwork without clueing me in. Thanks for that, _assholes."_ Ben’s fingers gripped the metal as he gritted his teeth.

“Then my dad has the _gall_ to get after me about school, as if having my parents divorcing _isn’t_ gonna stress me out and I’m just supposed to have straight A’s? Like is that really the most important thing right now? What about, I dunno, _me?”_ His voice got louder and his eyes welled up, threatening to spill over.

“Did they stop to ask _me_ if I’m okay? Who gives a fuck if my grades aren’t doing so good, dad! _I’m_ not doing so good!!” Ben was finally unable to hold back a sob, and Kyle opted to gently place his hand on his shoulder to comfort him, when the boy unexpectedly turned around and buried his face in the man’s shoulder.

The sudden contact shocked Kyle, but he wrapped an arm around Ben and stroked his back as he cried into him, gripping his coat tightly. The faint hum of the distant city was the only thing echoing around them in the fading light, and Kyle closed his eyes as his other arm pulled the boy into a complete hug. Ben’s frantic breaths subsided after a couple minutes, but as he calmed down, he realized what he’d done and pulled away from the older man a little bit, though he stayed in his arms.

“I-I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have-” Kyle interrupted him with a soft “hey” and kept his voice low, almost to a whisper.

“You’re fine, Ben. I’ve been where you are, and I didn’t have anyone to hold me then.” One of his hands traveled up to Ben’s cheek and wiped away some of the tears. “I may not be your dad, but I’m thinkin’ about you.”

Ben’s face went pink, and he closed his eyes, leaning his head into Kyle’s hand and taking a long, ragged breath. As upset as he’d been, being embraced by the older man out in the middle of nowhere was the most comforted he’d felt in a long time. Leaning forward again, he rested his head to Kyle’s collarbone and nuzzled him gently, a smile slowly forming on his lips.

“Thank you, Kyle… t-that means a lot.” The man relaxed into the hug and slowly ran his hands up and down Ben’s back, hoping it would calm him more. He didn’t want to see the boy so upset. Tugging on Ben’s sleeve, he motioned with his head for the two of them to move back over to his car, where they sat together on the hood and stared out at the partly cloudy skies, the faint trace of stars trying valiantly to show through the light pollution.

Ben kept his arm around Kyle’s and rested against his shoulder, staring out at the city as the breeze picked up around them. Without even meaning to, he slid his hand further down the other man’s arm, fingers brushing his palm, before he balled it up and rested his fist inside of Kyle’s hand. Blushing again, he shook his head a bit.

“S-sorry, I didn’t mean to do that,” he lied. Keeping his eyes away from Kyle, he inhaled through his nose and out of his mouth, hoping he wouldn’t notice. The older man merely chuckled.

“You’re good.” The silence hung between them for a minute before Ben spoke.

“So… what now? I just pretend like I’m unphased so my dad stays off my ass? God, this is one helluva fuckin' early Christmas present...” Ben groaned quietly and shifted his legs a bit, the gravel under his feet crunching quietly.

“You might have to. I mean, he might not care about how you’re feeling, but I do. You can always hang out with me if you need some escape from it, from him.” He gave the boy’s hand an extra squeeze, their eyes meeting as he looked up. Initially holding the other man’s gaze, Ben glanced away, biting his lip.

“Thanks…” he mumbled. Kyle immediately picked up on his hesitation and tilted his head.

“What’s wrong?” Ben shrugged and looked back up at him, the smile on Kyle's face now faint.

“Nothing, just… things rattling around in my head right now.” Perking up a bit, he leaned back on Kyle’s shoulder and closed his eyes, focusing on Kyle’s warmth and the sound of the wind blowing through the trees.

There was… an excitement he felt at the thought of seeing Kyle more, an intense spark of energy whenever the older man would touch him, even if it was just to comfort him. Every time they made plans, Ben would struggle to keep the grin off his face, and he looked for any excuse to spend time with him. He’d never really had much in the way of a crush before, but everything he knew about it from movies and shows told him that was what he was feeling. It was the fact that Kyle was an adult that he hesitated to act on it, but even so, Kyle was the only person in his life treating him like an adult, especially after his parents kept him out of the loop of their divorce. He was his only true escape from all the stress of school and his family.

And now he was falling for him.


	8. First Shift

The feeling of hardened concrete in Ben’s head as he turned to shut off the loud alarm kept him from sitting up for the first couple minutes of the day. Random spots all over his body ached, and by the time he actually pushed himself from the bed, he almost fell over again. Ben had never been drunk before, let alone been hungover, and it felt _awful_.

Kyle was a heavy sleeper, so Ben was able to turn on the lights and stumble around to grab his pants and work shirt. It was like his arms were being pulled through molasses, and he silently prayed that he’d feel better by the time he got to work. It was a chilly 50 degrees out, so he grabbed his only jacket as he left, leaving the door unlocked since he still had no key.

The walk was eerie to Ben. He’d never been up this early in the morning and out of the house before, the sun having not even risen yet. Keeping a brisk pace, he tried to ignore the pounding in his head as the wind chill blew through him, making him wish that much more that he was back at home beside Kyle. Glancing down at his shoes, Ben hoped desperately that his feet would hold out all day. Although he was used to standing for long periods at home while he cleaned, he was free to sit whenever he needed to, and that was a luxury he wouldn’t have at work.

 _Ding._ The sliding doors opened up slowly and Ben immediately stepped up to the counter, unzipping his jacket and looking up at an unfamiliar face.

“Can I help you, sir?” The woman’s eyes looked dead and Ben didn’t immediately respond.

“I, um, I’m here for my first day of work?” Pointing at his matching shirt, he glanced around the store to see if there were any customers, before stepping around to the back of the counter. Holding his coat close to him with both hands, he asked, “Um, where can I put my jacket?” The woman gestured to a space under the counter.

“Right there’s fine.” The woman groaned and leaned back against the wall. “For the record, I’m not a babysitter, and I didn’t sign up to train you, so you can go sit in the office until Carson shows up.”

Ben nodded quickly and kept his head down as he wandered into the office. There wasn’t a whole lot for him to do, and the clock on the wall read 5:54 a.m., so he sat down and glanced around for a pen. One of the papers in the recycling bin wasn’t double-sided, so decided to take the opportunity to doodle while he waited. Even as a kid he never really drew all that much, but it was better than being bored.

A couple minutes before the hour, Carson arrived and greeted the other cashier, who grabbed her things and left in a hurry. Peering out into the store, Ben saw the man counting the money in the till. When Ben was spotted, he stood up in a hurry and walked over, trying to ignore the headache that was still echoing in his head.

“Hey, I arrived a little bit ago, she told me to wait for you.” Carson closed the till and turned to face Ben, leaning against the counter with one hand.

“Yeah, Jessie can be kind of cranky. Don’t think about it too much.” He suddenly stood up and reached under the counter to pull out a clipboard with a checklist attached to it. “Here, these are the responsibilities of each person working each shift. Although someone at the counter takes priority, when you get a lull in activity, you gotta get these done. Anything left at the end of your shift goes to the next person, so try to get it all done.”

Ben took the clipboard from him and looked down the sheet, seeing X marks next to everything on the list for the 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. shift that Jessie just finished. Removing the pen from the top, he wrote his name down on the 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. spot, then looked back up at Carson.

“When should I get these done? As soon as possible, or like, sometime in the middle of the day?” Ben tilted his head as he asked.

“I’d say middle, but you’re gonna be dealing with the morning rush, so I’d wait until like 10:30 or 11 before starting them.” His coworker took the clipboard from him and set it back under the counter, gesturing for him to follow him to the back room. The inside of it wasn’t particularly full, and Ben looked around at the unsorted merchandise, trying to familiarize himself with it.

“Wednesdays and Saturdays are our restock days, and on those days, someone will come in and help you accept the shipments and restock the shelves. You don’t work Saturdays, so it’ll just be Wednesdays for you then.” Ben nodded and stayed quiet as they went back into the main area of the store. A woman had entered and was perusing the medicine shelves, paying no attention to the two employees.

“I’ll show you how to ring things up once she’s ready to buy. And, how old are you anyway, uh, Ben was it?” Carson rested an elbow on the counter and raised an eyebrow at the boy.

“I’m 19. I turn 20 in a few months.” He scratched his nose anxiously.

“Right, so you can’t sell alcohol, but you’re okay to sell everything else. For any restricted items, which’ll pop up as such on the screen, you won’t be able to continue the sale until you scan this,” Carson reached for a small shelf in the cabinet and pulled out a worn badge of sorts with a barcode on it, “And then it’ll go through. If someone gives you a hard time about it, be as nice as you can, but if they escalate to the point where you feel threatened, then just sell it to ‘em. Don’t be a morality hero.”

The woman came up to the counter with some cold medicine and throat lozenges, and Carson stepped back to allow Ben to take care of it. For just a moment he was completely lost, but he spotted the scanner and did the lozenges first, then the medicine, which prompted an ID check on the screen.

“This stuff’s restricted?” Ben looked back at Carson and then the woman, who pulled out her ID for him.

“I’m 32, but here.” Her voice sounded scratchy, which made sense considering her purchases.

“Kids apparently like to abuse the stuff, so you have to be an adult to buy it. At least, that’s what I heard.” His coworker waved his hand around as Ben scanned the woman’s ID for her age, which was in large, red text. “So long as their birthday’s before today’s date in 1999, you’re good. In a few weeks, it gets even easier, since it'll just be for today's date in 2000.”

Like she said, the woman’s birthday was in 1985, and Ben happily scanned the age verification badge, with the total popping up on the screen.

“Uh, your total is $22.24.” Ben watched the woman pull out her credit card and push the chip in, and waited for a few seconds before glancing over at the screen to select a credit/debit payment. A few moments later, the receipt popped out of the small printer, and he handed it to her, when Carson cleared his throat.

“If they’re buying more than one item, offer to bag it. If they’re buying more than three, assume they want it bagged.” Ben turned back around to face the woman again and smiled uneasily.

“W-would you like that bagged?” She shook her head.

“No, but thank you. Take care.”

As she left the store, Ben called out a “have a nice day,” which made his coworker snort.

“Well that attitude won’t last long. Anyway, all that makes sense? It’s pretty straightforward, so you shouldn’t have any trouble. But here, lemme show you some of the other tasks.” Ben stepped away from the counter and followed Carson to the back again, where he saw a small drain pit with the mop and bucket. A broom rested against the wall nearby.

“When you need to clean up spills or the bathroom, you’ll use this bucket. Use this tube and turn it on for seven seconds to get the soap, then fill the bucket up the rest of the way with hot water.” Pointing over at a shelf with a few spray bottles, he picked up two marked with neon green tape. “These are your disinfectants. Labels tell you what they are, so when you’re cleaning bathroom surfaces like the sink, use these. Blue tape’s for the mirror, y’know, glass cleaner. And you’ll find another disinfectant bottle under the counter for cleaning off things out there. We’ve also got wipes too; use those for the screen and card reader, since it’ll do a better job of getting in between buttons.”

Over the next 10 minutes, the two of them went over a few more of the responsibilities before another customer came in, with Ben checking him out before they resumed talking.

“So, when is my break? I mean, it’s an eight-hour shift, I figure I’ve got a break at some point.” Carson chuckled under his breath.

“You do legally get a break halfway through your shift, but you’ve gotta be on call and ready for people coming in, so don’t expect to get to sit down and eat for half an hour. You find some free time where you can and get a bite in. Always anticipate interruptions.” Ben noticed Carson grabbing his jacket and his eyes widened.

“You going somewhere?” He bit his lip and started bouncing his foot slightly.

“Yeah…? This would have been my day off but I got recruited to help teach you. Nothing should come up that you can’t handle, especially not on a Sunday morning, but in case you’re getting overwhelmed, here.” Carson pulled out a piece of paper and wrote down his cell number, handing it to Ben. “Call me up. But ONLY if you really need me.”

The hangover that had been fading into the background was shifting forward again, and as Carson left the store, Ben realized he’d been holding his breath. Exhaling, he stood behind the register and tapped his fingers nervously on the counter. He stood there for a minute before his eyes trailed over to the bottle of disinfecting spray, and he grabbed some paper from the towel roll in the cabinet. Spraying the surface in front of him, he wiped it off slowly, taking the opportunity to be extra thorough.

The store doors slid open and Ben hurriedly dropped the paper towel into the trash. Watching the customer, he could see it was a man a few inches taller than him with short, reddish hair and 5 o’clock shadow. He grabbed a chilled coffee from the cooler, and as he came around the corner to inspect the granola bars, Ben noticed he was dressed in an outfit that he could only describe as “business casual.” The man walked up to the counter and set his items down, feeling for his wallet in each pocket, while Ben scanned everything.

“Total’s $5.89. I thought the work week didn’t start yet?” He wasn’t quite sure if needed to be making small talk with customers, but decided to anyway. The other man laughed as he flipped open his wallet and pulled out his credit card.

“And you’d be right. Normally today’s one of my days off, but I got called into work anyway. So, here I am.” He kept his eyes on Ben as the boy tapped the card payment option on the screen and then pushed his card into the reader. “You get weekends off normally too, or do you just kinda work around the week?”

Immediately Ben noticed the man’s accent, which sounded distinctly European, though he couldn’t quite place it. Definitely not French or German; it had to be further east. He looked up into his eyes, which were a warm, hazel color, and for a moment he found himself distracted. Shaking his head, he watched the receipt print and reached under the counter for a small paper bag.

“No, I just work a few days a week, though today’s my first. Would you like me to bag that for you?” Handing the man his receipt, he looked back up at his face and saw him smiling at him.

“No, that’s okay. I’ll be opening up both of these in the car here shortly. But good luck with your first day! I hope things are easy for you, especially since you seem to be alone here.” Ben chuckled dryly and put the bag back underneath the counter, resting on an elbow.

“Well, the coworker who was training me bounced once he covered the fundamentals, so yeah, I’m also hoping things’re easy.” He finished his words with a sigh and the man raised an eyebrow.

“That sucks, I’m sorry. Probably can’t tell anyone about it either, since if you need a shift covered, it’s best to be on good terms with everyone.” Ben looked up at the man, who smiled again. “I used to work at a convenience store, back when I was in college. Not this one specifically, but I know some things that might help you get through the day.”

“Oh yeah?” Ben stood up straight and his face relaxed, the hint of a smile forming on his lips. The man picked up on this immediately and shifted on his feet as he began to talk more with Ben. No other customers came in and the two of them carried on for several minutes before the man suddenly remembered he had somewhere to be and checked his watch.

“Shit, I gotta go. Well, it’s nice to meet you…? Sorry I didn’t catch your name.” He grabbed his things and moved for the door but didn’t exit.

“Ben! My name’s Ben.” He leaned forward on the counter to watch him go, a bit saddened that the conversation came to an end.

“Ben, got it. Well, I’m Luka, and I come in here pretty much every day before work, so you’ll probably see me around again, if these are your hours. Good luck today!!” Luka exited the shop and out to his car, a new 2017 silver Chevy Malibu, which Ben was able to sneak a peek at before he drove off.

Not too many people came in in the following hours, and by the time Ben’s shift was halfway over, he felt like he’d been there for days. Even worse, his feet felt like he’d been standing that long too. As often as he could, he leaned against the counter to give them a much desired break before someone would inevitably come in, and it was only around 11 o’clock that he remembered he had a list of chores to take care of. First one being, naturally, cleaning the bathroom.

Ben hadn’t gone into the bathroom once since arriving that day, but a few shoppers had used it, and he prayed that it wouldn’t be too bad. Quickly heading to the back room, he filled up the bucket and brought the slip warning sign with him. Leaving it outside the bathroom as he flicked the light on, he saw some toilet paper on the floor, flecks of… something, on the toilet seat and paper towels balled up on the floor. Ben groaned, picking up the paper towels and tossing them in the trash while using another paper towel to do the same with the extra toilet paper. Glancing back out into the main shop, he didn’t see anyone shopping, so with a miserable sigh, he got to work cleaning out the bathroom.

The entire process took only 10 minutes, with Ben setting the mop aside and hurriedly washing his hands once he heard someone enter the store. After dumping out the mop, he swept the floors and wiped down some of the other surfaces, hoping that the more he spaced out, the faster time would pass, and after finishing all his tasks and waiting for what felt like an eternity, a slightly older woman wearing an identical polo shirt entered the store.

“Oh thank god.” Ben was pushing himself against the wall to ease his feet as the woman walked around the counter and placed her purse on the shelf beside his jacket.

“You’re the new guy? I’m Meg. How was your first day?” Taking a sip of her water, she grabbed the checklist and smiled to herself as she saw nothing was carrying over to her right away.

“Um, I mean, it could have been worse? It was slow today so I didn’t get overwhelmed or anything, but man, I’m gonna have a fun time filling the lulls.” Grimacing as he stood up straight again, he spotted Meg looking down at his feet.

“Son, you’re gonna need better shoes than that. Your feet are gonna be lookin’ like mincemeat if all you got’s those tennis shoes.” Ben’s face went red and he grabbed his jacket, trying to ignore the pain as he walked.

“Noted. But uh, I gotta get home.” Grabbing the piece of paper with Carson’s number on it, he tugged on his jacket and said goodbye to Meg, turning to walk down the hill back towards home. A very light drizzle had set in, and he tucked the paper into his pocket as he rushed through his walk. Every step was agony, and by the time he got home, he was holding back tears.

The door to the apartment was still unlocked, but Ben could hear the sounds of the TV on inside. When he opened the door, he saw Kyle enjoying a show while using a brand new bong, and Ben sighed in relief that he seemed to be over the one he broke already. Kyle turned his head and smiled at the boy.

“Hey, Ben! How was your first day?” Ben leaned against the door as he closed and locked it, gritting his teeth as he pulled his shoes off in a fast hurry. Once they were off, he released a long breath and stepped over to the couch, lying down and lowering his legs onto his boyfriend’s lap.

“Not bad, but ugh, work sucks. Spent so much time doing nothing, just… standing, and waiting. I don’t think I’ve worn shoes for that long in _years_.” Kyle laughed and rubbed his leg gently, tilting his head to look at Ben.

“Yep, that’s the working world for ya. You survived, though! You goin’ in tomorrow?” Ben reached a hand up and caressed Kyle’s cheek, giggling softly.

“Well, yeah! I got another shift tomorrow. Just… hoping my feet keep up.” The fear of how much pain he’d be in after tomorrow made him falter, and the tears threatened to return, which he swallowed down and tried not to think about.

“Maybe after your first paycheck we can go get you some better shoes. But you’re just gonna have to stick it out for now, sorry.” Kyle started massaging Ben’s feet through his socks and Ben took a long, shaky breath.

“I understand… But, you could make it a Christmas present, since that’s coming up here pretty soon.” Kyle slowed his movements and thought momentarily.

“Right, I always forget about the holidays. Now that you’re earning your own money, you can get me something too, instead of just cleanin’ up the apartment extra well.” He chuckled and Ben’s face flushed, glancing away.

“I know, just so long as you cash it sooner rather than later. I probably can’t get you anything _before_ Christmas, but I’ll get you something.” This made the older man perk up, and he slid his left hand under Ben’s chest, pulling him up to give him a kiss on the lips.

“Thanks, babe.” Pulling the paper with Carson’s number on it out of his pocket, Ben dropped it onto the coffee table with Kyle peering at it curiously.

“What’cha got there?” Ben turned his head to look at it.

“Coworker’s number. Said if I got overwhelmed or anything at work to call him, but I’ve got no phone so I took it home.” The boy shrugged and leaned against Kyle with his eyes half-closed. The other man picked it up and stared at it before tucking it into his pocket. “What’s up?”

“Oh, I’ll just... keep it safe for you. Won’t let it get lost or anything.” To reassure him, Kyle gave his arm a light squeeze.

“Alright, I’ll hold you to that, or I’ll have to go into work every time I need to get in contact with someone.” He found it odd that Kyle wanted to hang onto the number, but dawdling on it was pointless.

Ben knew he still needed to straighten up the kitchen, but first he absolutely had to get the filth of work off of him. Sitting up, he reluctantly stood and walked around the couch towards the bathroom.

“Lemme take a bath and then I’ll get on my chores. Just… don’t be surprised if I take a while to soak. I really need it.” His tired tone was evident and Kyle turned and smiled at him.

“Take all the time you need, you’ve earned it.” Ben looked back at him appreciatively before he entered the bathroom and shut the door, stripping down completely and sitting on the edge of the tub.

The cold water was startling but felt good, cooling the blisters and relaxing his feet, until the water warmed up and he moved the stopper so the tub would fill. He wouldn’t heat it too much, not after his hotter shower the previous day. Once the tub filled up part way, Ben slid into the water and took a deep breath, sinking under it until his chest was submerged. Although his knees stuck out, he enjoyed the serenity of the still water, listening to the quiet _drip_ from the faucet as he curled his feet in and rested his legs on the edges of the tub.

Ben’s head sunk under the water a bit and he closed his eyes, listening to the rumble in his ears. For a moment, he felt himself drift away from the apartment and the aches from work, the pain in his feet fading as he embraced the solitude. But as he opened his eyes and stared up at the old ceiling, he sighed and began mentally planning the rest of his day and how he’d navigate tomorrow’s shift.


	9. Flertovanje sa Vukom

True to his word, Luka showed up every weekday that Ben was working, buying the same coffee and granola bar each day, and by the time Ben reached his three week mark, he always anticipated the $5.89 and warm smile the man offered him. The first Sunday of the new year, the boy showed up to work early, relieving Jessie after buying a cold coffee himself. Never one to drink it in school, he hadn’t really known the benefits of caffeine until he needed it for his first job.

Grabbing a magazine and sipping on his drink, he sighed, anticipating another slow day. The minutes ticked by slowly when the door opened and an unexpected, but familiar voice called out to him.

“Hey, Ben!” The boy immediately lowered the magazine as a smile formed on his face, pushing it aside as he leaned forward to greet Luka.

“What are you doing here today? Got called in on an off-day again?” The other man walked over to the cooler and pulled out a slightly different drink than he normally did, foregoing the granola bar entirely, which Ben raised an eyebrow at. The man chuckled and nodded slightly with his head.

“Sort of. Gotta file some paperwork that came in over the weekend and has to be done by tomorrow, but they only need me for a few hours, so I’m off around 10:30. Was wondering if maybe I could treat you to lunch?” Luka ran his fingers through his hair and glanced away. “Not trying to put you in a weird spot, I just figured you could use the break.”

Ben’s face went red, his mouth hanging open. Luka’s intentions seemed innocent enough, but he didn’t know if he could get away from the store at all. It was then that he remembered a spare key in the office and a smile crept across his lips.

“If it puts you out, we don’t have to. It’s just the sub place around the corner; thought it was better than whatever you guys had here.” The man placed his coffee on the counter while Ben silently scanned it for just a moment.

“Sure. We’ll just have to wait for the store to empty out before I can go, and we gotta be quick.” Already his mind was abuzz with thoughts of lunch, and he knew the next several hours would pass by _agonizingly_ slowly. Luka paid for his drink and said goodbye to Ben, heading out to his car while the boy started rushing around the store to take care of his tasks early, despite knowing he’d probably have to spot clean before his shift was over.

As he expected, the minutes ticked by more slowly than they ever had before, but after a small rush of people filtered out of the store, Luka popped in and waved at the boy.

“Hey! You ready to go?” Ben grabbed his coat and the key to the store and bounced eagerly around the counter. Although he had new shoes, he was still breaking them in, and any respite from standing for eight hours was more than welcomed. Taking a quick second to lock the doors, he zipped up his jacket and followed Luka as they walked around the corner of the block.

“You sure your boss won’t mind? I’d just hate to get you in trouble.” The man buttoned up his trench coat and held his wallet in his hand, walking side by side with Ben, who kept glancing back at the store uneasily. Luka felt his gut churn a bit and hurried his pace. “We can be quick, I promise.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m supposed to have a break anyway, I just never take one.” Ben’s blasé admission concerned Luka.

“You should. Don’t let them rob you of your break time.” He knew trying to convince a solo convenience store worker of this was pointless, but he’d be remiss if he didn’t mention it. The boy glanced away uneasily and kept silent until they entered the sub store. Luka greeted the employees and encouraged Ben to order first, stepping back as he pulled out his credit card. There were a lot of options, and Ben was used to eating whatever Kyle brought home for him, so he looked over at the man treating him while playing with his hands.

“I can choose… anything? Like, double meat, that kind of thing?” His voice was low, and Luka smiled at him.

“Of course! Whatever you want!” Ben turned back to face the expectant employee and ordered himself a meatball sub with extra parmesan and mozzarella, as well as a bag of chips, a soda, and a brownie. It was more food than he’d eaten in a very long time.

Luka ordered himself an Italian sub sandwich with a bag of chips and a bottle of water and as he paid, the boy found them a table to sit at near the window and pulled off his jacket. Joining Ben, Luka pushed his wallet back into his pocket and leaned forward, taking a sip from his water.

“So, Ben, you been in the area long?” He hoped his idle conversation wouldn’t make the boy uncomfortable.

“Kind of. I lived in Moreno Valley ‘till I moved near Temecula, and now I’m here. What about you?” Ben continued to fiddle with his hands a bit, glancing around the store, which Luka picked up on.

“I used to be up in San Francisco until I got relocated down here. Definitely hotter, but I don’t really mind it. I grew up in Serbia though, before we moved out here, and I kinda miss it. At least over there it felt more like we had seasons!” Luka chuckled and glanced over at the counter, spying their meals, and he hopped up to bring them over. When he returned, Ben eagerly opened his up and tucked in.

“When was the last time you ate?” The man took a bite as he finished speaking, watching as Ben chewed his bite and swallowed it to reply.

“Last night, why?” Luka’s brow furrowed a little.

“You didn’t eat breakfast? I mean, I know I can barely talk when mine consists of a snack and coffee, but still, you need _something!_ ” Ben’s face went red and he slowed his bites, taking a swig of his soda as he figured out how to respond.

“I dunno… I just never eat breakfast.” When he remained quiet, Luka realized he’d made the situation awkward, and he thoughtfully ate his sandwich.

“You come here as often as you do the shop?” Ben had opened his chips and was popping a few in his mouth as he asked his question.

“Sort of. Usually a couple times a week. Otherwise I wind up getting food delivered to my office, or I bring in leftovers.” Unscrewing the cap on his water, he took another sip and watched the boy eat.

“We never have leftovers. I usually just make enough food for me and my, um, partner, and that’s all we eat.” This time, Ben nibbled on a chip, and although Luka didn’t want to press him too much, he couldn’t help but inspect the boy a little more closely, which was when he noticed the small bruises and marks on his arm and neck, and just how _skinny_ he seemed to be.

“Hey, uh, Ben…?” He kept his voice down and leaned in, and Ben raised an eyebrow at him. “What’s that on your arm there?”

The boy slid up his sleeve to inspect where Luka had motioned to, but the second more of his bruises came into view, he tugged it back down in a hurry. Trying hard not to let the heat come to his face, he glanced around the floor anxiously. The other man could hear him breathing quickly and he immediately regretted pushing it, but the extent of Ben’s marks were clearly hidden by his clothes, and it dawned on him that the boy was probably in a bad situation.

—

A tan Camry pulled into the lot outside the corner store and parked quickly. Kyle hopped out of the car and tugged on his coat, rounding the trunk and heading for the doors. He planned to pick himself up a sandwich and figured it couldn’t hurt to stop in and say hi to Ben, but when he walked up to the doors and found them locked, he pressed on them and peered inside. The boy was nowhere to be seen.

“Ben? You in there?” All the lights were on, but there was no movement inside. His gut began to churn and he worried that perhaps something had happened to him, but if Ben had locked up, then maybe he was okay. Shrugging, Kyle returned to his original plan of buying food and wandered around the corner to the sub shop. The moment his eyes landed on the store, he saw Ben sitting at a table with a strange man eating lunch, and the fire inside of him swelled.

His hands balled into tight fists and he gritted his teeth. After everything he’d done for the boy, here he was eating a meal with someone else! For a split second, he made eye contact with Ben as he glanced outside and then stared him down, and in that moment, he prayed that the boy felt every bit of anger he had. Fuming, he turned around and went back to his car, peeling out in a fast hurry.

All the color had drained from Ben’s face. Luka watched the man leave and then looked back over at the boy, who looked like he was going to be sick. Putting a hand on his shoulder, he gently shook him, leaning down to look into his eyes.

“Ben? Are you okay?” The response he got was Ben vomiting onto the paper of his sandwich, and Luka quickly moved his head back. Other customers stared at them, and the man gave them dirty looks in the hopes they’d give them some privacy.

“Easy, Ben, it’s okay.” Luka handed Ben a napkin and moved their remaining food away from the mess. The boy wiped his mouth clean and bundled up the paper, slowly getting up to drop it in the trash, while Luka waited for him to return.

“S-sorry…” His hands were shaking as he rolled the bag of chips closed, while the man shook his head and tried to offer him a smile.

“No worries. Really, I’m just worried about you. Who was that guy?” Luka needed to know, since everything he was learning about Ben seemed to be building to a much larger, unfortunate picture.

“My… my partner.” It seemed Ben was not going to elaborate, so Luka thought for a moment about how to proceed. Pulling out the receipt, he quickly ran over to the counter and asked to borrow a pen, then brought it back over to the table and began writing.

“Now I know we’ve only known each other a few weeks, but in case something happens to you, I want you to have someone you can call, besides the cops. Really, anything you need. Even if it’s just to talk.” Luka slid the paper over to him, which had his name and phone number on it. “Just… hold onto it, please?”

Ben was reluctant to take it, but seeing how desperate the other man was for him to do so, he sighed quietly and pulled the receipt off the table and into his pocket. A wave of relief washed over Luka, but he knew that if things really were bad for the boy, then whether or not he’d reach out was entirely up in the air, and even if he did, he knew Ben might not admit to anything. Still, it was worth it to make the effort.

“You want to take a walk before you go back into work?” Ben shook his head and stood up, grabbing the bag of chips, the brownie, and his drink after he put on his jacket.

“I should probably go back.” Luka felt his stomach churn as they left the restaurant, so he walked with the boy back to the shop. Somehow, he knew that his good intentions had backfired on him, and he kicked himself for it. As they came up to the store, they noticed customers exiting, and Ben panicked, running back over to the doors to see his supervisor, Nick, ringing people up.

 _“Oh god, oh god, oh god...”_ Tears were welling up in his eyes as he darted off to the side. Luka stepped around him, and once he saw the well-dressed man behind the counter, he felt the pang of regret spread through him.

“Look, you don’t have to go in there alone. I’ll apologize for taking you away from work. This is my fault, not yours.” Ben’s red eyes opened wide and he gripped his shirt uneasily, teeth gritted.

“Yes it is! I never should have left… he’s going to be so _pissed_ at me!” Luka wasn’t too sure if Ben was referring to his boss or his partner, but it likely didn’t matter. The poor boy was _terrified._

“No, it’s not, I’m sure we can talk it out with him, just, take a deep breath,” He waited for him to do so before he continued, “And let it out. Just a few more, and then we’ll face this together, okay?”

Ben nodded slowly and did as he was told. Wiping his eyes, he inhaled deeply and then walked into the store, holding his chest up as bravely as he could. His supervisor narrowed his eyes a bit after he finished handing the last customer their receipt, turning to face Ben and his companion.

“Ben, why were you gone? We had people outside the store wondering why no one was around! You’re not supposed to leave during lunch!” The boy opened his mouth to speak, but when nothing came out, Luka stepped forward.

“I’m so sorry, sir. I insisted on taking him out for lunch, and I didn’t know he wasn’t allowed to leave. It’s my fault.” Nick raised an eyebrow at the man then glanced back down at Ben, who was biting his lip.

“It won’t happen again, I promise.” Ben's words were mumbled, but still loud enough to hear. Luka was praying that the boy’s manager would forgive him, which fortunately, he did.

“I’ll hold you to that. Now, get back to work.” Nick’s eyes moved to Luka and he cleared his throat. “Please don’t disrupt my employees again.” Luka put his hands up and chuckled nervously.

“Of course!” As he turned to leave, he looked back over at a dejected Ben, who was standing behind the counter. “Bye, Ben.”

The boy didn’t bother even waving him goodbye, instead keeping his eyes down while he absentmindedly scratched an imaginary itch on his arm. Although his transgression was smoothed over at work, he was still going to have to face his boyfriend alone, and Ben was terrified that he’d cast doubt upon his faithfulness to Kyle.

With the rest of his work day passing uneventfully, he said goodbye to Nick and started his walk home, chips and brownie in hand, watching as the clouds continued to blow in. There was no telling how the evening would go, but it couldn’t end well. Slowly twisting the knob for the door, he slunk inside, seeing Kyle lounging on the couch with some fast food bags on the coffee table. Ben quietly pulled off his shoes when the older man peeked down at him and switched off the TV, sitting up.

“How was work?” His voice was almost sickeningly sweet. The boy mustered up a smile and looked over at him, hiding the food in his jacket pockets and shrugged.

“Uneventful.” Feeling a stroke of panic set in, Ben rushed off to the bedroom and sat down on the mattress, removing the food from his jacket and placing it down beside him. He slipped his hand into his pocket and felt the crumpled receipt, but before he could take it out, Kyle entered the doorway and leaned against the frame, staring down at him. Pulling his hand out subtly, Ben reached for the bag of chips and pulled them close.

“Where’d you get the food from? And don’t say 'work' because I know you didn’t.” This time, Kyle’s voice was less nice, and Ben’s lip quivered uneasily.

“T-the sub shop, around the corner from the store?” The boy’s breathing picked up and he tightly gripped the bag of chips.

“Huh, that’s funny. I was there earlier today. In fact,” The older man stepped closer and Ben shrunk back, bringing the brownie with him, “I think I saw you there. And if I recall correctly, you weren’t alone.”

“K-Kyle, he’s just a customer. A guy who comes in and buys stuff-” The man squatted down and yanked the bag of chips from Ben’s hand, holding it out of reach.

“I know what a fucking customer is, Ben. Don’t treat me like a fuckin’ kid.” The boy whimpered and pulled his hands into his chest as his eyes welled up.

“I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry, he was just trying to do a nice thing for me, buy me lunch, that’s it!” Kyle stared at him, his expression changing into one of irritated boredom, before he dropped the chip bag on the floor, stood up, and walked out of the bedroom. Placing the brownie and chips aside, Ben hopped up and ran after him.

“I’m sorry! Kyle, please, he doesn’t mean anything to me!” The older man lazily plopped back down on the couch and flicked on the TV. Ben stood there trying to determine if the man was actually still upset, but he knew one thing that always seemed to fix things, and had to give it a try.

Circling the couch, he got down onto his knees and moved between Kyle’s legs. Moving his hands to the older man’s groin, he undid his pants and pulled them down a bit, taking his cock in his hand and stroking him until he began to get hard. Kyle didn’t look down at the boy at all, instead staying focused on the TV. Once again, Ben felt the flash of fear that it wasn’t working, so he sat up and licked up the man’s shaft, coating it in saliva before putting his lips around it and taking him all the way down to the base. Still, not a sound or acknowledgement of any kind from Kyle.

Ben kept up his movements, trying to pull out all the stops and get him off quickly, when he noticed that Kyle _was_ in fact enjoying it. He could hear the man’s faint groans that he was trying to hide, so the boy closed his eyes and focused on sucking him off. Eventually, Kyle started gripping the couch cushion, his moaning getting louder, until he shoved his hand onto Ben’s head and forced himself down the boy’s throat as he came. Ben’s eyes shot open as his gag reflex was hit, and he pushed away as hard as he could before vomiting down the side of the couch and partly on the man’s pant leg. Kyle was taken aback and kicked him onto the floor.

“What the _fuck,_ Ben!?” The boy’s eyes welled up with tears as he coughed up the stomach acid in his throat for the second time that day. He’d screwed everything up, _again._

Pushing himself up off the floor, he kept his head down and walked over to the kitchen, grabbing the roll of paper towels from the counter to begin cleaning up his mess. Kyle had stormed outside onto the patio to smoke a joint, while Ben wiped up the last remnants of his lunch from the worn linoleum. His sobs were quiet as he worked, and when the older man re-entered the apartment, he could hear him crying.

“I don’t know why you’re so upset. I’m the one who got puked on.” He pulled off his pants and tossed them onto Ben, who stopped what he was doing to take them over to the bathroom sink to rinse off. Once they were sufficiently cleaned, he draped them over the shower rod and went back out to finish wiping up the floor.

Kyle ignored Ben the rest of the evening. The following morning, Ben got up before his alarm, having not slept all night, and when he looked back at his sleeping partner, he felt a strong pang of guilt. The man was fast asleep, so the boy took the opportunity to give him a small hug and a kiss on the arm.

 _“I love you…”_ Ben whispered the words before climbing out of bed to get dressed. Shutting the door behind him, he reached his hand into his pocket for his key when he felt the receipt with Luka’s information on it. Gritting his teeth, he crumpled it up in his hand and was about to toss it aside, when he thought about how kind the man had been and how he'd even helped him with his boss. Sighing, he opened up the door again and quickly darted over to the bedroom. Kneeling down beside the mattress, he lifted it from the floor and slid the paper under it, knowing Kyle would never find it.

The damp, cold walk to the store was unpleasant, and by the time Ben arrived, he barely registered Jessie’s greeting. Grabbing a cold coffee and jerky bag, he brought it up to the counter and quietly fiddled with his cash.

“Shit, Ben, you look pretty bad. You gonna be okay today?” Ben said nothing as she took the money. “I heard about yesterday. I thought you’d know better than to leave the store?” The glare he gave her made her hesitate for a second.

“It was stupid, I know. Can I have my change please?” Jessie slid a few pennies across the counter.

“Might wanna watch that attitude today. Nick’s here to keep an eye on you.” Ben was unable to stifle a groan as she gestured to the bathroom, and he swiped his change quickly before opening up his drink and chugging it. The bathroom door clicked open and their supervisor exited, spotting Ben immediately.

“Glad to see you, Ben. I don’t think we’ll have any problems today, but I wanted to be here just in case.” Licking the remnants of coffee from his lips, Ben nodded slowly, sighing to himself.

“Yes, sir,” he responded flatly. Jessie grabbed her purse and mouthed “good luck” at the boy as she walked past him. Taking her place behind the counter, he stared off into space while Nick went into the back office to do some paperwork.

An hour ticked by without Luka showing up. Ben began to fear that perhaps he’d never come back, and he started nervously tapping his fingers. He was about to glance back at the office again when a familiar car pulled into the parking lot, and he held his breath.

It was a tan, ‘96 Toyota Camry.

The driver parked it almost out of sight from where Ben was standing, and as far as he could tell, they never left the car. His finger taps grew faster as his heart raced, and then Luka’s silver Malibu turned into the parking lot as well and his stomach sank into his feet. Every muscle in his body told him to run, but a couple customers walked and he had to put on a fake smile, instead bouncing his leg behind the cabinet.

A rather disheveled looking Luka walked into the store, hurriedly grabbing his usual purchases and heading up to the counter. Ben rang them up quickly, noticing that the driver of the Camry was gone from their car, and as the boy waited on the receipt printer, Kyle stormed in through the doors and up to the register.

“What the fuck is this!?” Shoving Luka aside, Kyle leaned on the counter and snarled at Ben. The other patrons gasped and moved back, with Nick stepping out into the main store as Luka regained his balance.

“What the hell’s your problem?” Luka moved up closer to Kyle again, who pretended to ignore him and instead turned to face Nick.

“So, what, you condone your employees flirting with customers? Is that it?” Nick’s mouth opened in surprise, but before he could respond, Kyle continued making a scene. “I saw my boyfriend kissing this man yesterday at the sub shop when he was supposed to be working, and you just let that shit go!? What a world we live in, man.”

Nick’s face went red as he glanced between Ben and a flabbergasted Luka. The boy had backed himself up into the corner of the wall and the counter, breathing heavily as he tried not to have a full-on panic attack, which Luka noticed. His heart wrenched as he watched Ben fight his tears, but when Kyle grabbed his shirt, he was abruptly pulled back into the moment, with the older man nailing his fist right into Luka’s cheek, causing him to stagger backwards. This was the last straw, and Nick moved forward to break it up.

“Both of you, get out of this store before I call the police! And you,” he pointed to Luka, who looked back while growling under his breath, “I don’t ever want to see you shopping here again or interacting with my employees.”

Storming out of the store with his things, Luka rushed over to his car and drove off, while Kyle turned back to look at Ben as he walked out. The other customers stared him down, while he stayed paralyzed against the wall. Nick gestured with his hand for the boy to follow him to the back room after announcing he’d be right back. Ben kept his head down and messed with his hands to keep them from shaking.

“I don’t know what kind of game you think you’re playing, but I will not have you do it in _my_ store.” Nick’s voice was cold and unwavering. “You’ve made a fool out of me in front of the customers, you lied to my face yesterday, you’ve degraded the integrity of the store, and now your personal life is spilling into your work life.”

Ben dared not look up into his supervisor’s eyes. All he could do was mumble “I’m sorry” every so often, hoping desperately to hold onto his job but knowing that that was all but impossible.

“Hiring you was a mistake. You’re fired.”

Ben didn't respond and instead quickly turned back out into the store and walked over to the cabinet to grab his jacket. Running past the waiting customers and outside as tears filled his eyes, he darted behind the building and sobbed into his hands, feeling like such an exceptional fuck up in such a short amount of time. The boy barely noticed the footsteps approaching him, and he jumped when Kyle put his hand on his shoulder.

“C’mon, Ben. Let’s get home.” Looking up at him with bleary eyes, Ben grimaced and shoved him back as more tears ran down his cheeks.

“Why did you lie? You know I didn’t kiss him!” The boy sniffled back snot as Kyle’s face hardened and his brows furrowed.

“Lie? I didn’t lie! I know what I saw in that shop, and if you think you can try to lie to me now, then you’re fuckin’ crazy!” The older man pinned him back against the wall and Ben’s eyes widened, his lower lip quivering. “You played me for a fuckin’ idiot yesterday, and then today that same guy comes in and makes googly eyes at you. What do you expect me to do, NOT be upset? Fuck, Ben! I’m SORRY I fuckin’ care! Guess that makes me a shitty boyfriend!”

Kyle moved back and tossed his hands up before heading to his car, the boy following close behind. Ben tugged on the man’s sleeve and frantically apologized, hoping he’d slow down.

“No! You’re not a shitty boyfriend, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean to lie, I-I didn’t mean to kiss him, I just- please!” Kyle shoved the boy off and whipped around, pointing a finger at him.

“So you DID kiss him! I can’t believe you, Ben! After everything I’ve done for you, _this_ is how you repay me. Awesome.” Ben reached for the passenger’s side door when Kyle pushed him back. “No, you get to fuckin’ walk home. I don’t wanna see your face again until you’re ready to make it up to me.”

Ben could only stand there, tears still streaming down his cheeks, as Kyle hopped into his car and peeled out. Feeling suddenly too exposed in the open parking lot, with other people around now staring at him, Ben began to hyperventilate and ran over to a nearby alley, dodging behind a dumpster before he upheaved onto the asphalt, coughing roughly. Having not eaten since the previous night, all that came out of him was acid, and his jaw chattered as he took shaky breaths.

He didn’t know how he could possibly make this up to Kyle, and the longer he thought on it, the more despair he felt growing in his heart.


	10. I've Only Got You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late January, 2015.

_I’ve gotta get outta here_

_Can you come pick me up ASAP?_

_You okay? You safe?_

_Yeah, but if I stay here any longer tonight I’m gonna punch my dad’s face in_

_Alright, I’ll be right over_

_Thx_

_I’ll be at the bus stop_

_Need to let off some steam, so if you can bring something for that, pls do_

_Gotcha ;)_

—

Ben zipped up his black hoodie and pulled his backpack up off the ground, walking over as the car pulled up. Opening the door, he sat down and dropped his bag between his legs, still holding his breath a bit.

“Thanks for hurrying. I legit was gonna beat his ass if I had to listen to him scream at me any longer.” Ben took a deep breath as Kyle peeled out, looking for signage leading him out into the desert.

“It’s barely 9:30, how’d you get out?” The man’s eyes glanced around, briefly landing on Ben.

“He got plastered and passed out on the couch. As far as he’s concerned, I went to my room like a good boy and I’m sitting there thinking about 'what I did wrong.' Jokes on him, I ain’t thinkin’ about _shit_.” Kyle snorted and rolled down the window, grabbing one of the lone cigarettes in the console and lighting it up as he turned on the freeway heading towards the I-10.

“So, _are_ you a _good boy?”_ The grin that formed on the man’s face as he blew out smoke made Ben cackle.

“Not tonight. Tonight I’m whatever the hell I wanna be.” Kyle pumped a fist before lowering his hand to Ben’s shoulders and gave them a triumphant rub.

“Hell yeah! So, what say you and I have a little fun then?” Taking a quick puff from his cigarette, he looked over at Ben and pointed with his thumb. “Check the back seat.”

The boy turned around and spotted a couple baseball bats alongside several junk items that the man must have picked up from the side of the road. A huge smile formed on Ben’s face as he looked back at Kyle, who smirked proudly.

“That’s not all. I also scored a few joints that are _excellent,_ if I may add. Got them a few weeks ago to celebrate the new year and decided to hold onto ‘em. Glad I did.” Ben swallowed the lump in his throat. He’d never smoked weed before, but this was the perfect opportunity to try, not to mention the fact it was with someone he felt safe with. Thinking for a few moments, he sat back in his seat and settled in, bouncing his leg and reaching for the radio. Gangsta rap boomed out of the speakers and startled him, and he hurriedly turned down the volume.

“Sorry, I like listening to my music loud.” Kyle puffed on his cig and leaned his elbow out the window, relaxing the arm that held the wheel. Ben shook his head and turned it back up, although not as loudly.

“It’s cool! I don’t mind!” Rolling his own window down, Ben closed his eyes and inhaled the nighttime air, feeling more at peace the further away they got. “Where are they, anyway?” The older man chuckled and reached over to the glove compartment and popped it open.

“Go ahead and grab one. Lighter’s in the console.” Ben took both out and held the joint up to his lips, flicking on the lighter until the end started to smoke. The sudden realization of how inexperienced he was hit him like a ton of bricks and he pulled it away.

“So I just… inhale?” His face went red, feeling like a lost kid. Kyle took it from him and took a quick drag before handing it back. As he exhaled, he smiled and coughed a little bit, quickly replacing the joint with his cigarette. Ben’s blush only got stronger as he placed the paper to his lips where Kyle’s had just been.

“Like you’re inhaling through a straw, but not too hard, and don’t suck in like you’re trying to drink. Remember, you’re trying to inhale it. Brace yourself for the hit; you’re gonna cough, so just make sure not to drop the thing.” The boy’s legs bounced faster, and he took a deep breath to steel his nerves, then went in for the hit.

As Kyle predicted, Ben’s first reaction was to cough as the smoke filled his throat and he gripped the joint tightly, riding it out. He didn’t get that much of a hit as most of it left the way it came, so he took another drag and forced it in, holding his breath a bit before exhaling the excess smoke into the car. Moments later he noticed things felt more at ease, and the booming of the bass and vibrations of the car eased him further down into his seat.

“Wow, you weren’t kidding...” Kyle chuckled and turned onto the main freeway, taking them further out into the desert.

“Seat adjuster’s on the side, if you wanted to recline," Kyle said, briefly glancing at him. Ben didn’t even acknowledge his words, instead reaching down to lower the seat back, which somewhat abruptly fell backwards, making the boy giggle. He took another hit and tilted his head to look out the window, enjoying the way the lights smeared as they went by.

Ben was sufficiently toked up by the time they arrived at their location, a flat area in sight of the mountains and off the road but still lit by the near-full moon. There were virtually no cars around, and Kyle haphazardly tossed the appliances out into the dirt a little ways off from his car, leaning the baseball bats against the rear tire. Ben slunk out of the passenger’s side and leaned against the car taking deep breaths to clear his head a bit more. Dropping the expended joint onto the ground, he covered it with the sandy dirt and picked up one of the bats, swinging it around carelessly in the dark as he walked toward the pile of junk.

“Easy now, it’s almost ready for ya.” Kyle turned the radio volume up so they could hear it outside the car and shut the backseat doors, picking up the other bat.

Using his foot, the man pulled an old microwave away from the pile and tapped it with the end of the bat, then moved his arms back and swung down hard, caving in the top with a loud _SMASH_. Ben cackled and watched as Kyle stepped back, gesturing with his hand to have a go at it. The boy turned to the side and swung low, nailing the microwave in front and shattering the controls, using the momentum to come back down on the top.

Kicking it onto its back, he took another side swing and dented the bottom before Kyle moved in to hit it, causing considerably more damage as the glass on top splintered, making Ben back up in a fast hurry. Moving around to the other side of the pile, the boy used the bat to push an old blender onto a flatter surface, then used all his energy to hit it off like a golf ball. The machine flew a few feet to the side before rolling in the dirt and kicking up dust, which Ben grinned at.

“Fuck yeah!!” Yanking the plug of another microwave, he stomped on the top a few times, gritting his teeth before taking a big swing at the back. For just a moment, he envisioned his father lying in the dirt instead of all the junk, and a few tears trickled out of his eyes, the bat coming down with more anger behind it than before. Slamming the front of the box as he swung again, he managed to flip it face up, then swiped from the side to break off the handle of the door.

By now, his face was streaked with tears. Taking a step back and raising the bat up high, he swung down, letting go of it so it flew towards the machine, which he ran over to and kicked hard, hurting his foot a bit which only made him cry more. Kyle noticed the mood change and stopped working over the first microwave, lowering his bat and cautiously walking up to Ben.

“Piece of shit! Fucked up your marriage an’ now you wanna take it out on me!? I oughta return the favor!!” He unleashed another swing at the glass door and completely shattered it, frightening even Kyle. In an unexpected burst of strength, the boy dropped the bat to the ground and picked up the microwave, running a few feet with it before throwing it at a small pile of rocks and watching the shattered glass fall onto the dirt.

Ben stood there, staring at the destroyed appliance with his fists at his side, letting the weight of what just happened settle on him, until he relaxed his shoulders and released a low sob. Feeling it safe enough to approach, Kyle stepped closer and placed a hand on Ben’s shoulder. The boy didn’t move initially, still taking a moment to process everything, then turned his head to look back at Kyle with bleary eyes.

“It’s not fair...” Sniffling a bit, he met Kyle’s gaze and for the first time, he could see the pain behind them as the older man relived emotions of his own parents’ divorce. There simply weren’t words for it.

“Ben…” Kyle’s voice was low as the boy turned around to face him, then stepped closer, resting his head against the other man’s chest. Kyle slowly wrapped his arms around him, then tightened them as he closed his eyes and embraced the boy more. Ben practically melted into him, which reignited the spark from the last time they’d hugged, reminding him of all the feelings that had been bubbling in the background of all the school stress. Pushing away, he glanced down and stepped around the other man, casually walking towards the car. Kyle tilted his head at him.

“Something wrong?” Each word was poking a hole in the wall that held back the huge rush of emotions Ben so desperately wanted to tell him but felt he shouldn’t.

“I… I don’t think I should talk about it.” It was a vague attempt to suppress what was rapidly starting to spill from him. Wiping his tears, he heard Kyle jogging over until he was between him and the door of the car, putting an arm out.

“You can tell me, Ben, it’s okay, really! I can handle it!” The boy put both his hands on his face and turned to the side, slowly stepping over to the hood of the car to sit.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s weird, and… I’ve never told anyone before. I guess I’m just… worried. There’s just a lot, and-” he was interrupted when Kyle sat down beside him, resting his hand behind Ben and leaning on it.

“You’re fine, trust me.” Once again, his voice lowered and Ben bit his lip, trying to ignore the heat in his face. It was too difficult to look at him, so he kept his eyes down as he swallowed the fear in his throat, preparing to admit something he found terrifying.

“I… um… I don’t think… I’m straight. People say you’re supposed to form crushes on girls, but that just… never happened to me.” Ben took a second to lick his dry lips and find the confidence to say the second part, with Kyle not reacting visibly to anything he’d said. “But… I… I think I might have a crush… on you.”

Looking away in a fast hurry, the boy shut his eyes and expected Kyle to get up and leave, maybe abandon him out in the desert until the cops found him. Instead, he heard a chuckle and noticed the weight of Kyle lifting from the car. Opening his eyes, he noticed the moon was blotted out by a dark figure standing over him, and he fell back onto the hood, holding himself up by his elbows.

“I-is this a good reaction? Bad?” His chest rose and fell as he watched Kyle lean forward and hike a knee up onto the hood, placing his hands on it beside the boy’s shoulders. A smile stayed on the man’s face as he got closer to Ben, and then his eyes softened, the boy’s breathing slowing as he relaxed.

“That doesn’t weird me out at all. In fact, I kind of had a hunch.” Ben’s eyebrow shot up as he slid his arms down and fully laid back on the hood of the car.

“Y-you did? How?” The older man straightened his arms a bit and tilted his head, glancing away for a moment before back down at the boy.

“The way you look at me, how you perk up when we hang out, the energy you were putting out, it had all the telltale signs of young, innocent love.” Ben’s face flushed and he smiled awkwardly, ashamed that he’d been that obvious.

“A-and that’s okay? I mean, I don’t even know if you’re, y’know, into men or not. And I’m sure this crush doesn’t mean anything to you anyway, since I’m just a kid.” His eyes welled with tears again as he bit his lip, feeling rather childish. Sitting up, he kept his head down and took deep breaths, bracing himself to stand.

Kyle lifted a hand from the hood and placed it under Ben’s chin, tilting it up so their eyes met as his head moved closer. The sudden proximity to his lips made the boy’s heart race, and he held his breath as the tingle from being so gingerly touched echoed through his body, which was slowly moving back down to the car with the older man moving down with him. Then he opened his mouth to whisper.

 _“On the contrary. You actually mean a lot to me, Ben.”_ The boy’s eyes fluttered a bit as the other man’s head moved down to his neck, his hot breath sending a shiver down his spine. Was this real? Was he actually reciprocating or was this, too, out of sympathy? Without even meaning to, Ben whimpered and shut his eyes, his own voice kept low.

 _“You mean a lot to me too…”_ One of his hands moved to Kyle’s shoulder and held him close as the other man’s lips met the skin of his neck, and Ben gasped softly, the heat from earlier now spreading throughout his body. Kyle lowered himself down so their chests pressed together, his kisses tracing up to the boy’s cheek. He paused in front of his lips, and Ben met his gaze with his own desperate, longing brown eyes. His other hand was suddenly interlaced with Kyle’s, and in one swift movement he pressed their lips together. In the calm of the desert, Ben felt so secure in what he wanted, and was now receiving from Kyle, and his own ferver increased as they continued kissing, until the other man pulled away.

“I should probably get you home.” Ben fought every urge to yank the man back down onto him, but considering it was late, he knew he had a point. Sliding off the hood, he slowly walked over to the passenger side door and climbed in while Kyle grabbed the bats and tossed them in the back seat. As the man slid in beside him and began to head for the road again, Ben noticed a slight bulge in Kyle’s pants, and glancing up at him, started to weigh his options. The last thing he wanted to do was go home to his alcoholic father, and every atom of his being was crying out to be with Kyle. The car turned back onto the freeway and Ben remained quiet, but after a few minutes, he broke the silence between them.

“What if… I didn’t go home?” Kyle’s eyes shifted over to Ben. “What if… I went back home with you?”

“You sure? You don’t think your old man will be upset?” Although he knew Kyle’s comment had been innocent enough, Ben felt the rage from earlier kick up in his chest, and he unzipped his jacket to cool himself off.

 _“Absolutely.”_ The hint of a smile dashed across the older man’s face for only a moment as he sped up a bit, stealing glances at the sight of the boy lounging in his car. For good measure, he opened up the glove compartment again and handed another joint to Ben, who held it to his lips for the man to light for him. Taking a long drag, he laughed to himself and placed one of his hands under his head.

Kyle lived further south than Ben did, so it was an extra 40 minutes of a drive before the car slowed down and he pulled into a carport just outside his apartment. This was the first time Ben was seeing the man’s home, since they’d only ever met up in public, and the boy could hardly contain his excitement, feeling like he was finally an adult making his own decisions! Ben’s heart was pounding out of his chest as he grabbed his backpack and waited for Kyle to unlock the door for them.

“Welcome to _mi casa,_ Ben.”

While it wasn’t much to look at, the inside was cozy enough with a single lamp on, and Ben hopped inside, pulling his shoes off. Kyle followed behind closely, locking up behind them and sitting down on the couch to remove his boots. The boy bounced eagerly on his feet, unsure of what to expect but eager nonetheless, with Kyle shedding his jacket and standing up again. Now in the privacy of his home, he pushed Ben to the wall with greater force and kissed him deeply, seemingly resuming what they had been doing earlier, with his hand holding the boy’s head close.

The sudden intimacy startled him but only served to excite him further, and still riding off his high, giggled into their liplock. Kyle moved back and began pushing Ben towards his bedroom, and the boy could feel the older man’s erection through his jeans. A flicker of fear sparked in his gut as he realized how quickly everything was moving, but he trusted Kyle, and he knew the man was looking out for him.

Kyle flicked on the bedroom light, revealing an old mattress on the floor and a mess of clothes beside it. He leaned down to turn on a lamp resting on an upturned laundry basket and motioned for Ben to turn off the overhead light. With the room now bathed in an orange glow, the boy closed the door behind him and watched as Kyle pulled off his tank top, revealing a semi-chiseled body underneath which Ben found himself staring at. His pants were also undone, although he kept them on. Ben sat down on the mattress beside him, leg bouncing nervously as he slowly realized Kyle was waiting for him to strip as well, and the older man leaned forward.

“Need a little help?” His voice was kept low and Ben nodded, not really wanting to speak. A smirk formed on the man’s lips and he placed his hands on Ben’s shoulders, letting the jacket fall off of him, which he couldn’t help but remark at. “You’re a tiny thing, huh?” Ben could only blush and look away.

With his jacket off, Kyle slowly gripped the hem of the boy’s shirt and pulled upward. Although he was only shirtless, he could tell that Kyle was admiring him, and he bit his lip and stood up. It was now or never.

Undoing his jeans, Ben let them drop to the floor, and Kyle’s eyes widened momentarily, before they narrowed and he grinned smugly. Sliding an arm out to encourage Ben to lie down beside him, the older man began pulling his own pants down, although the boy tried not to look.

“Can you turn the light off? I’m just, y’know, nervous.” Kyle sighed but stretched back to turn off the lamp and Ben laid down on the mattress, feeling a chill come over him as he curled into the man’s chest. Kyle’s hands traced up and down his side, hooking over the hem of his underwear but not doing anything else to it, and Ben shut his eyes tightly, the weed still circulating through his system.

“You want me to help you feel better?” Kyle’s voice came out more like a rumble as Ben’s ear was near the older man’s chest, and he looked up at him in the dark.

“What do you mean?” Kyle’s expression didn’t change as he lowered his head back down to the boy’s neck and began kissing him.

 _“You know what I mean.”_ Although there was a lump in Ben’s throat, he also felt the involuntary response his groin had to all the ways Kyle was touching him, and in truth, he wasn’t sure if he could say no even if he wanted to, so he decided to commit. Sliding underneath him, he moved his legs apart and held the man close with his knees, closing his eyes and moving their lips together.

_“Then I trust you, Kyle. Please, make me feel better.”_


	11. Wave Break

Ben tossed and turned in bed for an hour after Kyle got up for work. There was no way he’d be able to go back asleep with his thoughts racing, something he struggled with every time he went to bed for the past four days. It was as if the boy had become a ghost in his own home, with Kyle barely giving him any acknowledgement, and each day Ben would fight off panic attacks as he prepared for the worst once Kyle _did_ start paying him attention again.

Knowing he wasn’t going to get any more rest, Ben pushed himself up from the bed and rested his arms on his knees. The return to the old routine had become a nightmare for him. Although he didn’t love having to deal with annoying customers, he didn’t realize just how much he’d gotten used to having social interaction with others until he was trapped in the tiny apartment again. Even though it was early January, he started opening the windows and patio door during the day, desperate to listen to the sounds of the outside world and other people.

Entering the kitchen and grabbing a small packet of oatmeal, Ben prepared his breakfast and grabbed one of the old bananas that Kyle had tossed into the trash earlier that morning. He sliced it up and dumped it onto his oatmeal once it was done cooking in the microwave. After quickly darting into the bedroom to grab one of Kyle’s large sweaters, he tugged it on and grabbed the bowl, heading outside onto the patio and hesitantly sitting down on the cool plastic chair.

It never got all that cold, mostly staying in the low to mid 50s, but with how skinny Ben was, he always had to bundle up whenever it was below 60. Tucking his legs up into the sweater, he rested his oatmeal on his knees and ate quietly. A few buildings over, someone was gathering their laundry from a clothesline, and a few young kids were running through the alley on their way to the bus, calling out to each other as they saw it pulling up by the street. In the unit opposite Ben’s, a woman was serving breakfast to her husband and toddler on the other side of the glass door, and Ben glanced away once the woman noticed he was looking in on them, feeling embarrassed that he’d been staring.

So many lives going on, all completely unaware of him. Ben’s thoughts trailed back to the lookout he used to visit with Kyle and he sighed to himself. Moments like these were the closest thing he had, to feel like he had some perspective on the world. Ever since he’d moved in with Kyle, the two of them hadn’t gone back, or really gone anywhere, and after the freedom he’d had with a job, Ben found himself realizing just how isolated he’d been for years now.

He took his time finishing his admittedly small breakfast before heading back inside, tossing the sweater into the bedroom as he got ready to clean up the small mess of dishes in the sink. Mentally, though, he was elsewhere. Every day, Ben would replay the scene at the store in his head, remember Nick’s words about hiring him being a mistake, and beat himself up over the kiss with Luka. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember doing it, but given how upset Kyle had been, he knew there was no way it couldn’t have happened. And Luka...

Well, Luka was the one who had gotten him into this mess in the first place. And yet, he’d jumped to help smooth things over with Nick, nor did he fight back when Kyle punched him in the face. Perhaps he’d be willing to help him fix things with Kyle?

There was nothing the boy could do about it right now, though. Without a phone of his own, he’d be limited to using Kyle’s, and only when he was asleep. In the meantime, he’d just have to hold his breath and wait it out, see if maybe his boyfriend would forgive him tonight or not, though Ben had the sinking feeling he wouldn’t.

Hours later, Ben was awoken from a brief nap on the couch by the sound of the front door opening. Kyle stepped inside and began removing his boots by the wall, keeping his eyes away from the boy. After tossing them aside, he walked over to the kitchen and pulled out a bag of chips and a beer, with Ben watching him as he came back around to the couch. He remained still, looking up at the man who still looked away, but when Ben refused to move, he pushed him back with his ass as he made the room.

“H-hey!!” Shoving himself back, Ben managed to avoid getting squished between Kyle and the couch cushions, looking at him with wide eyes. “Seriously!? You won’t even ask me to move?”

Kyle grabbed the remote and pulled open the bag of chips without responding to him. Unwilling to make a scene, the boy growled and hopped up, storming off into the bathroom to put some distance between them. He was at his wits end and was praying that perhaps Luka would have some useful advice for him. Ben had no clue if the man had been in many relationships, but he seemed like a mature person, like someone who would know how to deal with these kinds of things.

—

Ben’s clock hit 1 a.m. when he sat up and looked over at Kyle. The older man was fast asleep beside him, and the boy quietly stood up and stepped around the bed, leaning down to unplug his charging phone. Moving back over to his side, he lifted the mattress and grabbed the receipt with Luka’s information on it, then exited the room quickly. Ben grabbed his jacket and spare key before stepping into his shoes and leaving through the front door.

For safety’s sake, he needed to put some space between him and Kyle, but he didn’t want to go far, so instead, he walked over to Kyle’s car and sat down on the hood. The man didn’t keep a password on his phone, and Ben quickly dialed up Luka’s number. Each ring felt like forever, and the longer it went on, the more his stomach churned.

_“The person you are trying to reach is not available. Please leave-”_

Hanging up, Ben redialed the number and sat and waited again. It continued to ring out, but the fourth ring was interrupted.

“Hello...?” The other man’s voice was somewhat mumbled, which made sense considering he had probably been woken up by Ben’s call. The boy stayed silent for a moment, but when the man said hello again, he knew he had to respond.

“H-hey, Luka. It’s Ben.” The sound of shuffling as Luka presumably sat up could be heard on the other end of the line.

“Ben…? Why,” His question was interrupted when he yawned, “Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?”

“‘Cause I don’t have my own phone and this is the only opportunity I have to use one. I’m sorry I woke you up, but I need your help.” Ben’s leg began to bounce and he tucked his arm into his chest, biting his fingernails nervously.

“Sure, what’s up?” Luka was starting to wake up a bit and his tone brightened. Without realizing it, Ben had really missed hearing the man’s warm voice, and he leaned into the phone a bit as he sighed.

“I really messed things up. My, um, partner, Kyle, is still giving me the cold shoulder. I figure, y’know, since he’s upset about what happened between us, maybe… you could help me fix it?” The more he spoke, the more Ben felt like an idiot for even calling him up. He bit his lip as he waited for Luka’s response.

“Seriously? He’s still upset?” Luka groaned quietly to himself.

“Hey, it’s not my fault we kissed! If I were him I’d be upset too-” Ben was suddenly cut off by the other man.

“Wait, wait, what? 'Kissed?' Ben, we didn’t kiss. I have no clue why you're convinced we did, but I was just taking you out to lunch. Nothing sinister about it.”

Ben gritted his teeth and bounced his leg even more as he glanced around the parking lot, his face burning.

“W-well I don’t think Kyle would lie to me about something like that! But…” Ben hated insinuating that Kyle _was_ lying to him, but the boy still couldn’t remember the kiss happening, and now Luka was saying it hadn’t happened. Was he saying that to lessen his responsibility? All of it confused Ben and made him feel sick.

“L-look, he’s upset with me, and I don’t know what to do. I just… I just want him to talk to me again.” Ben’s voice cracked slightly and he felt tears well up his eyes.

“Ben,” Luka’s caring voice was low, though the boy noticed a slight sense of urgency to it, “Has he not spoken to you at all since Monday…?” Ben chewed his lip as he fought back the urge to cry.

“He doesn’t believe me when I say I’m sorry… I don’t know what to do Luka,” the pitch in his voice started to escalate, “I don’t know what to do!!” Ben wiped his eyes with the back of his hand as he sniffled, his breath shaky as a sob found its way out of him.

Luka dearly wished he were there to offer some physical support, but instead he just let the boy cry and waited for a lull.

“I’m sorry you’re in this situation, Ben, I really am. But I don’t know if there’s anything I can say that’ll help.” The man desperately racked his brain for ideas. “I mean, you could try asking him what you could do to make it up to him?”

Luka hated suggesting that Ben actually owed the man _anything,_ but he knew that the boy needed to survive this in order to have a fighting chance at things getting better. From his limited perspective, it was clear that Ben was being manipulated by his partner, and given the bruises, it was also a physically violent relationship. This young boy had wound up in such a bad situation, it was hard for Luka to not want to help him.

“I-I asked him a few days ago, b-but maybe it’s worth another shot.” Ben sniffled and wiped his hand on his pants, taking deep breaths. “Th-thanks, Luka.”

“Of course.” When Ben didn’t immediately respond with a goodbye, the man decided to take the opportunity to ask some burning questions. “If you don’t have your own phone, then how are you calling me?”

“I’m on Kyle’s phone, I snuck outside with it. Which reminds me, you can’t call me, ever, or text me. If he found out I was still in contact with you, I think he’d straight up kick me out.” Ben coughed lightly while Luka tried not to impulsively respond with “that’d actually be a good thing.”

“Is this whole ‘cold shoulder’ thing normal for you two? Like, is it just how he deals with you doing something he doesn’t like?” Luka hoped that maybe his question would spark some thoughts in Ben more so than actually getting a response, but Ben simply sniffled and scoffed quietly, which the man also figured might happen.

“I appreciate you worrying, but I’m okay, really. We deal with stuff the way we do, I just… needed a little help this time.” Ben paused before adding, “I-I should probably go.”

“Alright. Do you think you’ll call again sometime?” Luka bit his tongue to stop himself from admitting he missed their chats, afraid it would send the wrong message.

“I dunno. What else is there to talk about? I don’t work at the convenience store anymore, and, well, I don’t want to upset Kyle again.”

“I understand, but… please, if you ever need advice or just want to talk to someone, even if you’re just lonely, don’t hesitate to call me.” Luka waited as Ben remained quiet. “I promise I won’t pry into your relationship.” The boy finally sighed.

“Alright. Thanks, Luka. Bye.” Hanging up, he swiped to delete the calls from the call history and then headed inside to plug the phone back in and hopefully fall asleep.

—

Rising early the following morning, Ben could hear Kyle cooking in the kitchen, and after a quick stretch, stumbled out into the hallway, eyes still bleary. The older man briefly glanced at him while flipping bacon, staying silent.

“Morning…” Yawning, Ben leaned against the counter and watched Kyle as he stared at the grease in the pan. “I hope you slept well.” His voice was as chipper as it could be while still half asleep.

Turning the stove off, the man pushed the pan aside and for the first time all week, turned to face Ben. The boy immediately lit up and smiled, trying not to bounce on his feet. He remembered what Luka had said to him the night before and cleared his throat to speak again.

“I-I was wondering... I’ve been feeling really awful about what I did, and I _really_ want to make it up to you. I just… I don’t know what you’d like me to do, since you won’t tell me.” Kyle slowly started to walk over to him.

“You’ve had all week, and you _still_ can’t think of something?”

The smile fell from Ben’s lips as Kyle put his hands out and backed him up to the wall. The boy bit his lip and watched as Kyle narrowed his eyes, one of his hands now starting to grip his shirt.

“Guess it’s your lucky day then, because I think I know _exactly_ what I want you to do to make it up to me.”

Yanking Ben’s shirt to the side, he threw the boy over towards the couch. Ben stumbled as he tried to find his footing and put a hand out to steady himself, when Kyle came up behind him and grabbed him, roughly bending him over the couch. Now fully awake, the panic set in, which was made worse when the older man pulled down Ben’s boxers and pushed down on his chest to keep him pressed into the cushions.

“Do you love me, Ben? Do you feel bad about what you did?” His fingertips dug into Ben’s back, and the boy shivered as the tears welled up in his eyes from the pain.

“Y-yes! I’m so sorry, Kyle!!” Each one of his breaths ached as the back of his ribcage was pressed against, and he glanced back up at his partner, who was grinning down at him.

“You wanna to prove you’re trustworthy?” Kyle’s nails started to dig into Ben’s skin. “Wanna show me you deserve my love?”

“Yes!! Please!!!” The boy nodded feverishly as his vision blurred. Seconds later he felt an intense burning pain as Kyle entered him dry, and he cried out into the cushions, gripping them tightly as he sobbed. The other man eased into him before pulling back and pushing in again as hard as he could, and Ben screamed as he felt himself tear. The blood began to lubricate things slightly, letting Kyle move faster, and in no time at all Ben was in shock at the blinding pain, having entirely forgotten about Kyle’s fingernails in his back.

“That’s right, you’re mine, you’ll always be mine, Ben. You mean _everything_ to me. _Everything!!_ Do you understand!?” His voice came out with a growl to it as Ben vaguely nodded, still sobbing into the wet cushions. The older man’s movements sped up as the boy ran out of tears to give and he pulled out at the last moment to finish on his back, leaving a mess of semen and blood on his bruised skin.

“Well, I think I feel better.” Cleaning himself off using Ben's shirt, buttoning up his pants, and walking around the couch, Kyle squatted down and tilted Ben’s head up with a finger, placing a gentle kiss on his lips. “I hope you do too, and I’m sorry I worried you.”

The boy was still shaking and in intense pain, but having his boyfriend forgive him and be affectionate afterwards was all the reassurance he needed. Closing his eyes, he leaned into Kyle’s hand and a tiny smile crossed his lips. The man stood up and headed back over to the kitchen to finish cooking while Ben struggled to push himself off the couch, pulling his shirt down once he was up to wipe the mess off his back before it could drip onto the floor. Turning around, he stepped out of his boxers completely.

Walking to the bathroom, Ben tried not to move too quickly, the pain still quite raw. He pulled off his shirt and tossed it aside, then climbed into the tub and turned on the faucet. The cold water shocked him and he fell back against the wall, his body beginning to shake violently, and yet he stood there frozen, unable to move. The boy’s breathing hastened and he shivered, sobs leaving his body despite the lack of tears. The water cooled the burning in his rear, and looking down he could see faint pink blood swirling down the drain.

Slowly the water warmed up, and Ben relaxed his shoulders, feeling the energy leave his body. Lowering himself down, he let his feet slide out from under him and leaned against the far end of the tub, resting his head on the side as the darkness surrounded him, and after slowly blinking a couple times, shut them completely and passed out.

—

_“K-Kyle, I-I… I’ve never done this before.”_

_“Shh, you’re fine. It’ll hurt at first but then it’ll feel good, I promise.”_

_“Okay… I trust you…”_

_“Good…”_


	12. Echoes of the Past

Although Ben had been forgiven, that night he stared up at the ceiling and found himself unable to sleep. His breathing was steady, but there was a shaking in his chest that he couldn’t quell, and he fiddled with his fingers on his stomach uneasily. The boy had been lying there for several hours with muddy thoughts he couldn’t settle, and the urge to run echoed quietly through his body.

Perhaps he didn’t need to run but could get away for a little bit with the help of a friend? Again, the feeling of guilt rose up in his stomach, but Luka’s advice _had_ helped, and the boy liked talking to him. Ben still didn’t want Kyle to know they’d been in contact, but if he ever found out, he figured he could explain to him that Luka was only helping them, and that he wasn’t any kind of threat. Right now, though, he needed to be out of the apartment. He needed to be away from Kyle, even though he wasn’t sure why.

Sitting up, Ben reached under the mattress and grabbed Luka’s info, then steadily got up and grabbed Kyle’s phone. Dialing once he was outside, he only had to wait through a few rings.

“Ben?” Luka sounded tired, but not like he had the previous night.

“I… um, can you pick me up? I have somewhere I need to go, just for tonight. I think… you should come with me.” In all honesty, the boy really didn’t know what he was going to say to Luka once they got there. He just needed space to breathe.

“For sure, just give me your address and a couple minutes to get dressed.” Luka was already shuffling around and likely pulling on his clothes, and Ben repeated his address a few times for him.

“I’ll be standing by the entrance of the complex, near the sign, but I’m going to put the phone back, so you won’t be able to reach me.” Saying goodbye and clearing the call, Ben darted back inside and tugged on some pants as well as his jacket, knowing he’d need it where they were going. He locked the door behind him and wandered over to the sign, bouncing a leg as he hugged himself in the cold, hoping desperately that Luka wouldn’t get lost.

Minutes later, the familiar silver Chevy turned onto the road and hurriedly pulled over beside him. Ben opened the door and climbed in, and he was immediately hit with the new car smell that filled the vehicle, almost taken aback by how different Luka was from Kyle. The other man had his trench coat on but had left it unbuttoned, revealing the wrinkled polo shirt and jeans he had thrown on in his hurry to pick up Ben.

“So, where did you need to go?” His eyes showed a sense of urgency that was mirrored in his voice, and Ben glanced away for a moment as he tried to remember the route.

“I… don’t know the address. B-but I can guide you there. Just head to the freeway for now.” The boy’s legs bounced as he pulled on his seatbelt, and Luka lingered on him for a moment before turning back onto the road.

The entire drive there, Ben remained silent except for when he was giving directions, but as the city got farther away, he seemed to relax and more comfortably navigated them. They turned up a road into the trees and drove for another few minutes until Ben spotted the old lookout.

“There! Pull over there!” The energy in his voice startled Luka and made his eyebrow go up. Parking the car on the gravel turnout, he pulled his coat around him and stepped out into the wind, shivering a tiny bit. Ben had zipped up his jacket, which only helped marginally.

“Huh…” The boy hugged himself and walked over to the railing, staring out at the view of L.A. he thought he’d never see again. Luka slowly joined him, taking in the sight, but then remembered that Ben had asked him to bring him out this way without any explanation as to why.

“Ben… why did you want to come out here? And why with me?” Luka’s voice stayed low as Ben finally glanced down, squeezing his arms nervously.

“I needed some time away from Kyle, and you were the first person I thought to call. I hope that’s okay…” Nibbling on his lip, the boy still didn’t look up at Luka, who sighed.

“I don’t mind, I’m just… worried. Did things with him not go well?” The man leaned on the railing and looked out at the city.

“No, it did, but… I dunno… It’s hard to talk about these things. I don’t wanna make him sound like a jerk ‘cause he’s not.” Ben turned to look away and groaned quietly to himself. Luka decided it best not to disagree with the boy, knowing that Ben would stop talking to him if he did.

“Well, if you just needed some time away from him, you could have come here, or gone anywhere, alone. But,” Luka moved to face him, “You told me you wanted _me_ here. So you clearly want to talk to me about _something_.” It wasn’t that Luka was frustrated with him, he just didn’t want to step on his toes. Ben finally turned to look up at him.

The boy wasn’t an idiot. He knew that the circumstances of their relationship were questionable at best, and he didn’t want to get them in trouble. Without Kyle, he had no one. Still, Ben _wanted_ to tell Luka. If anyone would be understanding and helpful, it would be him.

“I don’t know what to tell you. I _want_ to talk to you about stuff, but like I said, it’s hard to talk about. I guess… I don’t know what you want to know.” Biting his lip, he glanced away again.

“Well…” Luka looked up as he thought of a question. There were a million things he could ask, but if he wanted to get the boy talking, he had to tread carefully. There was one thing burning in his mind, though. “Why did you want to open up about things now?”

“I’m not sure. I’m just very confused and…” Ben gripped his arms and looked back up into Luka’s eyes. “You’re the only person I know who cares about me, besides Kyle. If anyone can help me wrap my head around things, it’s you.”

Luka’s stomach sank, realizing that this meant he really WAS the only person who cared about Ben. Although he hadn’t really meant to get involved in this boy’s life by taking him out to lunch that day, a part of him knew that if he hadn’t, then this unhealthy relationship would have remained buried until something else tipped the scales, for better or worse.

“In that case… how did you meet Kyle?” It was a simple question that Luka hoped would provide some needed insight into the formation of what was going on now. Ben looked out at the city again as his gaze fogged up, reaching far back into memories he’d tried hard to forget.

“Knott’s Berry Farm, back in 2014. I was there with my parents, they were arguing, so I stepped away to get a soda and some air. He was working there as a mechanic, and I was in an out of bounds area but he didn’t care. So we just stood around and talked until I had to go. Offered me his number, and I took it. I liked talking to him.”

Once again, Luka felt his stomach churn, feeling the similarities between what he’d done to stay in contact with Ben and what Kyle had done. He hoped desperately that the boy wouldn’t make that connection and become wary of him.

“Oh. What did you two talk about?” Luka did his best to keep his voice steady.

“School, and my parents fighting. I knew they were on their way to a divorce, I just didn’t know when it’d happen.” Ben exhaled a little louder, revealing his parents as a sore spot. It made sense to the man, given their lack of a presence in his life now, but he didn’t want to get into too much right away. Noticing Ben was shaking a bit from the cold, he cleared his throat and waited for the boy to look at him.

“Would you like to wear my coat? I know it’s chilly out, but I’ll be okay. I’m used to cooler temps anyway.” Offering him a smile, he saw Ben slowly nod. Luka removed his coat and draped it over the boy’s shoulders, letting him pull it in on and watching as a smirk appeared on his lips. The trench smelled faintly of cologne and Ben tried not to blush as he wrapped himself in it.

“Thanks… it’s nice and warm.” This elicited a chuckle from the man.

“It’s made of wool! I bought it back when I lived up north. Don’t get many opportunities to wear it now, but I like to when the mornings are cold.” He paused as his mind wandered back to what Ben had told him about his memory. “You said school, right? Like, college?” Luka desperately wanted Ben to nod his head, but his blood ran cold when the boy shook it instead.

“Nope, high school. My senior year. I was 16, graduating at 17, since I got bumped up a grade when I was younger.” Ben watched the smile fall from Luka’s face and sunk back into the coat, glancing at the gravel while the other man tried not to ball his hands into fists.

“Do you know how old Kyle is?” It was the question the boy was _dreading,_ but he knew it was coming. Releasing a sigh, he folded his arms and answered, keeping his voice low.

“Kind of? Back in 2016, mid-May I think, he got home late one night, drunk. Said he went out celebrating his 30th with his coworkers, so I guess that means he’s turning 32 this year.” Ben knew how it sounded and his mind raced to try and come up with an explanation while he let his words settle.

Luka turned to look back out at the city as he processed everything. It wasn’t just an abusive relationship Ben was in, but one he’d been _groomed_ into, making the situation magnitudes worse. His thoughts were interrupted by the boy defending himself.

“He was there for me when my parents split up. My dad stopped caring about me and Kyle was an escape from him. He just… understands me better than anyone else, and to be honest, I don’t even know if I’d be here right now if not for him. I owe him a lot.”

Luka fought every urge to shake him and tell him he didn’t actually owe Kyle anything, but since he knew the words would be totally lost on him, he struggled to find anything to say at all. Ben noticed this and looked up at him, seeing the vague grimace on the man’s face. His gut churned and he hoped saying all this hadn’t been a mistake.

“Ben… I… I don’t know what to tell you.” Thinking for another few moments, he met the boy’s gaze, then asked the only thing he felt he could.

“Are you happy?”

Ben opened his mouth to respond immediately, but when no sound came out, he realized that the answer was more complicated than he thought it was.

“I’m happy when I get to wrap my arms around him. I’m happy when he kisses me. I look forward to him being home most of the time. I mean, we fight occasionally, but what couple doesn’t? So... I… think so?” Once again, his thoughts pinged around frantically. He thought about the past week with Kyle saying nothing to him, and then his mind went to the terror from earlier that day when he was bent over the couch. Tears started to well up in his eyes as his breathing quickened, and Luka realized that he might have accidentally triggered a panic attack. Placing his hands on Ben’s arms, he rubbed them gently, trying to get him to make eye contact.

“Ben, it’s okay, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.” Ben looked at him and sniffled, wiping his eyes with his thumbs. Luka recognized the cognitive dissonance the boy was experiencing between his claims of being happy and likely a _lot_ of unresolved trauma, but he knew he’d already pried too much and hadn’t wanted to upset him. Ben’s composure, as hard as he tried to maintain it, crumbled even more, and as he stepped closer to Luka he began sobbing. The man wrapped an arm around him but didn’t do anything more, afraid of making Ben think he would take advantage of the situation to “close the gap” between them, so to speak.

Luka knew that what was going on with Kyle was a ticking time bomb at _best._ Ben was clearly still emotionally underdeveloped, and he’d follow his manipulator to the ends of the earth. Still, Ben had to be the one to make the decision to help himself, but Luka knew he couldn’t do that on his own. Even outside of just worrying about a boy in a bad situation, he always appreciated seeing Ben before work, and perhaps the reason he’d offered to take him out to lunch that day was to repay him for the kindness the boy had shown him. 

No one deserved to go through what Ben had experienced, and Luka refused to stand by without helping. It didn’t even matter to him if Ben kept in contact or not once he escaped, so long as the boy had a fair shot at life, instead of having it be yanked away from him by a predatory, abusive man.

“Ben… I want to help you. Not because I want anything from you or whatever, but… you’ve always been kind to me, even in our short interactions, and you deserve to be happy, even when you’re not sure if you are.” The response Luka got was more sniffling, but he could tell the boy had nodded. “I would… encourage you to think about your relationship with Kyle. I know we put up with a lot for the people we love, but if he ever does something to you, something that, if you saw someone doing it to someone else, you’d be concerned about, that’s a red flag.”

Ben sighed and stepped back, wiping his hands with his face. Making eye contact with Luka again, he took slow, ragged breaths.

“L-like what?” The boy sat back against the railing as he regained his composure.

“Well, like, being physically violent. Just because you’re a guy and people expect guys to be tough doesn’t mean that it’s okay for him to hit you. If you saw a man hitting his girlfriend, you’d be worried, right?” Luka bit his lip as Ben glanced away. The marks he’d seen on him previously were cause for concern, but given Ben’s diminished physique, it likely didn’t take much to make them. Kyle had probably been rough with the boy many times, but not truly “abusive” in the obvious way. It was on Ben to recognize such things from there on out. Once he was free from him, he could worry about healing from the emotional abuse too.

“Yeah.” A heavy silence followed Ben's words. “And if he does, um, hit me or whatever, what then?” Ben looked up into Luka’s eyes, and for a moment, the man could see the flicker of a scared, young child, desperate to feel safe. His heart ached for him.

“Let me know.” Luka joined Ben and sat against the railing as well. “If it comes to that, you’ll probably need some help, and I don’t want you to feel like it’s you against the world. But I won’t force you to ask me for help or anything if you don’t want it.” Placing a hand on the boy’s shoulder, he rubbed it gently before removing it, and Ben smiled half-heartedly up at him.

“Thanks Luka, that means a lot to me. Besides Kyle, you’re the only person who kinda knows anything about my life. I’d like to tell you more sometime, if you’re willing to listen to me ramble about it.” Ben sniffed and chuckled. Seeing the boy perk up made Luka grin, and he tilted his head a bit.

“I’d be more than happy to.” Thinking for a moment, he added something he knew he’d feel bad if he didn’t mention. “By the way, so you don’t ever have to wonder about it, I really _do_ like talking to you, and if you asked me for my honest opinion about it, I’d tell you that I want to keep doing it. But if you ever wanted to stop, or just up and dropped me from your life forever, even though I’d be sad about it, I’d get over it and move on, I promise… okay?”

Relief swept over Ben as he realized he had an out should Kyle ever find out and want him to stop, but also in case his own feelings about the situation changed. He couldn’t deny how truly thankful he was for Luka’s understanding of everything. Reaching around the other man with an arm, he hugged him tightly, eyes closing as a full smile formed on his lips.

“Mmkay, thank you...” They held the hug for several seconds before Ben let go and looked at him again.

“Anything else you wanted to talk about before I get you home?” Luka asked. The boy glanced around until his eyes settled on the city again, his expression relaxing.

“Not really, but… I wanted you to know, I didn’t choose this place randomly.” The man snorted softly.

“I mean, you directed me here from memory, I didn’t think you did.” The response he got was Ben nudging him with his elbow, a smirk on his face.

“I know, I know, but… this is where Kyle used to take me when I was getting overwhelmed with stuff. Told me that when he’s so far away from the city, things that are normally overwhelming can feel small and irrelevant.” Luka’s gut churned a little as he looked out at the view and imagined those words landing on a 16-year-old Ben. Given his still-limited understanding of the boy’s youth, it made sense for that kind of thinking to resonate with him, and only made him feel sicker at the thought of how little Kyle probably had to do to manipulate Ben.

“Anyway, we haven’t been out here in years, ever since we started dating, and I’ve been feeling kinda overwhelmed lately. Sorry to use you as a way to get back out here though.” The boy smiled and Luka nudged him back.

“It’s okay. I enjoyed seeing something new with you.” Ben blushed again and sighed, then stood up from the railing and turned to face Luka, pulling off the trench coat.

“I’m glad I could show it to you. Lotta memories here. I’ll have to tell you about them sometime.” He tilted his head at Luka, who got up, stepped over to him, and took back the coat with a warm grin.

“Sounds like a plan.”

The drive home was quiet, although Ben rolled down the window and closed his eyes, a look of peace on his face as the wind blew his hair around. Luka admittedly took his time, trying to give the boy one last bit of freedom before he was back with his abuser.

“Hey, I’ve got an idea. You like ice cream, right?” Luka turned down his music as he spoke, and Ben looked over at him, nodding. “Wanna stop and get some before you gotta go home? We can eat it in the car, I don’t care if it drips.”

Ben’s eyebrow went up as he pulled his arm back in the car.

“I mean, where? Nothing’s open this late at night.” Luka shook his head and grinned.

“Not _everything._ McDonald’s is open all night, and I haven’t had a McFlurry in years.” The mention of McDonald’s made Ben perk right up, and he bounced lightly in his seat.

“Yeah!! I’d be down! I can’t remember the last time I got one.” The boy radiated energy which Luka couldn’t help but smile at. Handing Ben his phone, he directed him to use his maps app to locate the nearest 24 hour restaurant. By the time they arrived, the boy could hardly contain his excitement, and when they pulled into the drive-thru, he eagerly ordered an M&M McFlurry while Luka got one with Oreo pieces.

Driving into one of the parking spots, the man kept his car idling. The heat was welcome after having no coat during their talk and being subjected to the breeze from Ben’s window. Taking a bite, he closed his eyes and savored the taste, but when he opened them, he saw Ben eating larger spoonfuls and happily crunching on the candy. The boy wiped his mouth and swallowed before breaking the silence.

“Thank you for this. I don’t think I’ve ever had 3 a.m. ice cream before.” This made Luka chuckle at him.

“Really? I did this kinda thing a lot when I was in college. Up late finishing studies and all you want is something that vending machines don’t stock? Then you find a friend with a car and promise to thank them with some free ice cream.” The man leaned back as he recollected, though Ben sunk back a little. It was admittedly intimidating talking to someone who had gone to college, beyond briefly at the store, since it reminded him of how he’d never gotten the chance to figure out if he even wanted to go. Once he’d moved in with Kyle, it became abundantly clear that they’d never have the money for it. Luka noticed Ben’s behavior when he glanced back over at him.

“You okay?” Taking a thoughtful bite, he watched Ben look up at him and smile.

“Yeah, just thinkin’ ‘bout some things. I’m fine.” Ben’s response was light-hearted so Luka decided not to press on it. They’d have more time to talk about all kinds of subjects anyway, so he was in no rush, especially after everything they covered tonight.

The conversation between them while they finished their ice cream was casual, though by the time Luka had to resume driving the boy home, he was reluctant to do so. In a sense, he felt that by doing so, he was putting Ben back in harm’s way, but at the moment, there was really nothing else he could do.

Pulling into the apartment complex’s parking lot, he waited for Ben to point out which unit he lived in. Luka drove up to the stairs and took the boy’s empty ice cream cup from him.

“Don’t worry, I’ll toss it when I get home.” He watched Ben hop out of the car and zip up his jacket again, gut still churning despite the warm look he gave him. When Ben turned around to look back inside the car, Luka could tell there was a sense of longing from the boy, and he dearly wished he could offer him a couch to sleep on.

“Thanks for taking me out there, and for the ice cream afterwards. I promise I’ll call you sometime, just... dunno when yet.” Ben leaned on the car and anxiously tapped his fingers on the metal.

“No worries, I look forward to it. Call me anytime you need.” Luka gave him one last smile as the boy stepped back, then he closed the window and left the parking lot. Ben stood and waited for the car to be completely out of view before he turned around and went inside. Worried about the potential smells lingering on him, he quietly snuck into the bathroom and bathed, making sure to soap up and rinse himself thoroughly.

As he climbed into bed beside Kyle, Ben thought back to Luka and for a moment, wished he had the opportunity to spend more time with him, but he knew that he couldn’t keep the other man awake late every night. Maybe they could arrange something during the week when Kyle wasn’t around? It was something to think about later, since sleep began to set in, and Ben closed his eyes as the final thoughts of Luka drifted from his mind.


	13. Young and Sweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> March 4th, 2015.

—

_Guess what?? ;D_

_?_

_Ya boi turns 17 todayyy_

_Oh fuck yeah! :)_

_Don’t think my dad’s gonna do anything for me_

_Didn’t even say happy bday at breakfast soo_

_You wanna celebrate together later??_

_Hell yeah!!_

_And what does the birthday boy want for dinner?_

_In n out? It’s been months_

_Sure thing babe, I’ll see what else I can come up with to surprise ya_

_Pick u up after school?_

_Pleaaaase, luv youuu <3 _

—

Ben fiddled with his phone excitedly as he awaited Kyle’s arrival, having muted his conversation with his dad after telling him he’d be hanging out with friends after school and receiving nothing more than a “K” in response. As he expected, his father didn’t bother acknowledging his birthday, or perhaps he didn’t even know it was today, but it didn’t matter to Ben. He had a boyfriend who _did_ care and that was all he needed.

The older man’s familiar car pulled into the parking lot and whipped around beside the pick-up zone, with Ben hopping in quickly before any one could look in and see who he was riding with. The boy didn’t have very many friends at school already, so if he was getting into a car with a strange man and people noticed, word might get around, and the last thing he wanted was something ruining the only good thing he had going for him.

Once they were off school grounds and at a stoplight, Kyle leaned over and smooched him on the cheek.

“That’s for you, birthday boy, with many more to follow.” The grin on his lips made Ben giggle and the boy looked over at him fondly.

“Well I’d _hope_ so! You’re gonna make this the best birthday I’ve had in _years_ , I’m sure of it. No arguing parents and gifts given to me out of obligation. Just me and the guy I love.” Ben smirked at him as they pulled out of the intersection. Kyle chuckled as he pulled out a cigarette and a joint, handing the latter to Ben and lighting up both of them. Taking a few puffs from it, the boy settled into his seat.

“I figured you’d want your food fresh, but we gotta hide the weed smell so I gotta smoke this,” Kyle said, exhaling smoke out of the windows. “I’ll go in and order the food, but you should probably put that out before we get there. Don’t want cops knockin’ on the door.”

Ben nodded and took a longer drag before snuffing it out. Even a brief smoke was enough to put him at ease, and he happily relaxed in the car seat as they drove to the nearest In N Out. Rolling down the window, he closed his eyes as the semi-warm spring air blew through his hair, his mind focused on the promise of delicious food and a small, intimate celebration.

The two of them pulled up into the restaurant’s parking lot and Kyle gave the boy a small kiss before heading in to order food. Ben lowered the seat and put a foot up on the dash, eyes still closed. There was something relaxing about the sound of people talking to each other as they went inside, the general chatter of conversations he only had snippets of, that made the wait for Kyle’s return feel that much shorter.

Ben had almost fallen asleep when his leg was prodded. When he opened his eyes, he spotted Kyle handing him a bag of food and a drink.

“Here, you might wanna eat it now before it gets cold,” he said, walking back around the car to hop in.

“Thank you soooo much, Kyle!!” The boy sat up in a fast hurry and pulled out his burger, unwrapping it eagerly as the older man watched. Upon first bite, Ben closed his eyes and smiled, chewing contentedly, while Kyle unwrapped his own burger and began to eat.

They didn’t spend much time sitting there, as once Kyle finished, he started taking them back to his apartment, while asking Ben to feed him fries every so often while he drove, which the boy was more than happy to do. Rush hour traffic meant that they didn’t arrive until almost 5 p.m., and by the time they got home, Ben was eager to get out of the car and head inside.

“Damn, I wish it were Friday instead of Wednesday. I’ve got homework I gotta get done for tomorrow, and the _last_ thing I wanna do right now is homework.” The boy pulled his backpack onto his back as Kyle led the way up to his apartment, letting his boyfriend go in first. Ben dropped his bag onto the floor beside the small dining table and face-planted onto the couch. Kyle could only laugh and ruffle the boy’s hair.

“C’mon, you should really get it done now so you can enjoy yourself for the rest of the evening.” The man had swiped the joint from his car and re-lit it, plopping down on the couch beside Ben, who groaned unhappily as he turned his head to the side.

“Easy for you to say. It’s not _your_ homework.” Rolling onto his back, he pawed up at the joint hanging from Kyle’s lips, but the older man took it in his hand and held it out of reach, chuckling to himself.

“Fair, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Besides, I can help you with it, maybe. Depends on what it is.” When he ceased to get a response from the boy, he patted his back and stood up. “C’mon, Ben. I promise it won’t be so bad.”

Ben reluctantly sat up and slunk over to the table, dropping himself down into a chair and lazily pulling out his binder. In reality, he only had a sheet of math problems he needed to do, but for him it might as well have been a dissertation. He grabbed a pencil and watched as Kyle pulled a chair beside him and sat down. The older man skimmed the sheet quickly, his eyes visibly glazing over, though the boy supposed that could have been from the weed.

“Ugh, precalc? My condolences.” Placing the paper back down onto the table, Kyle glanced away and rubbed the back of his head. Ben flicked him gently and scoffed.

“Hey! You said you’d help me! No backing out now!” This made the man laugh nervously and shake his head.

“Alright, alright, but I can’t promise I’ll be much help. It’s been years, and to tell you the truth, I wasn’t particularly ‘checked in’ during my senior year. Hell, I didn’t even graduate,” he said with a sigh. Ben raised an eyebrow and tilted his head at him.

“Oh really? How’d that go over with your dad?” Kyle rolled his eyes as his expression fell.

“He didn’t care. To be honest, I bounced the day I turned 18. Still had another month of school left, but he was always too piss drunk to give a shit about my grades. When the school called to let him know I’d need to retake my senior year, I was already gone. I didn’t have a cell phone, and he never bothered to try and find me.” The man tapped his finger on the table absentmindedly as he recollected.

“So how did you know they’d called him?” Ben couldn’t help but ask.

“Because they told me they were going to. So I just… stopped going to school. I had friends who were already adults, and they were more than happy to let me sleep on their couch while I worked. I mean, shit, I paid them rent, so what did they care?” Kyle shrugged his shoulders as his eyes flitted back over to the sheet of paper. “You should really try to start on this.”

It seemed storytime was over. Taking a deep breath, Ben mentally pulled on his productivity cap and focused on the math problems, while Kyle watched over him, trying to see how he solved them. The boy was smart, something the man definitely noticed, and Ben finished his homework in under a half-hour.

“See? Not so bad. You should give yourself more credit. I couldn’t have solved those even if I wanted to.” Kyle smiled at him which resulted in him getting lightly elbowed.

“Yeah, whatever. I’m just glad it’s _done.”_ Shoving the paper back into his binder, Ben climbed over the back of the couch and sat down, turning on the TV, completely oblivious to Kyle standing up and heading over to the kitchen. The older man opened up the fridge and pulled out a small box containing a large slice of cake, then grabbed a couple candles from a package he’d bought earlier that day. Quietly flicking on the lighter, he lit both of them and picked up the box to place on the table, clearing his throat until the boy looked back at him. When he saw the flames poking out from the box, a huge grin spread across his face.

“Oh my god, Kyle!!” Ben quickly shut off the TV and bounded over to the table, standing over it in the fading light. As the older man sang him happy birthday, he felt like his cheeks were going to burst from how tightly they were pushed up by his smile, and right as the last word was sung, he wrapped his arms around Kyle and placed a big kiss on his cheek.

“Go on, make a wish!” Kyle’s hand slid to the boy’s side and held him close, but still let him lean down. Ben thought for a moment before he blew out the candles. His wish had been to date Kyle for as long as possible, though he knew better than to jinx and tell him. The man gave him a squeeze. “Hope it was a good one.” 

“My wish, or my birthday?” Ben beamed. “Guess it doesn’t really matter, because both were.” Turning to look at him again, he kissed him more gingerly on the lips before pulling away to split the cake. Realizing he hadn’t grabbed any silverware, Kyle quickly ran to the kitchen before coming back over and cutting the slice of cake down the middle, making sure to remove the candles.

“Saves us the hassle of cleaning plates. And, uh, I hope you don’t mind chocolate cake. Wasn’t sure what to get but I figured chocolate was a safe bet.” Taking a bite of it, the man smiled, happy with his choice. Ben nodded at him and eagerly tucked in as well.

“It’s probably my favorite kind. Strawberry’s good too though. So you lucked out!”

The two of them finished the slice within minutes. Ben, who had still been a little full from his earlier dinner, was now thoroughly stuffed, and he meandered over to Kyle’s bedroom while the man tossed the silverware in the sink. Ben had switched on the lamp and was reclining on the bed with his arm over his eyes and a hand on his stomach.

“Oof, I think I ate too much…” he groaned, with Kyle only catching the last bit of it. The man laughed and got down on the mattress beside him, leaning on an elbow and supporting his head with his hand.

“Sorry. Well, hopefully all of it was worth eating?” He watched as Ben turned to look at him and sighed, the hint of a smile on the boy’s lips.

“It was, don’t worry.” Belching quietly, he blew it the other way and rolled onto his side, looking up at his boyfriend, whose gaze had relaxed. Remembering their earlier conversation, Ben tilted his head and cleared his throat.

“So, what were you like when you were my age, _old man?”_ he said teasingly. Kyle shook his head as he smiled, amused by Ben’s nickname for him.

“Well, I’m not sure you would’a liked me. I was kind of an asshole. Picked fights, had a black eye more often than not. Pissed off my dad a lot too, though we’ve got that in common.” This made Ben giggle, and he tucked his knee up to rest on Kyle’s leg, who moved a hand to it and stroked him gently. “I wasn’t much at the age of 16, 17. My temper calmed down when I left home, I started shaving my head, and-”

“Wait, wait, what did you look like before you shaved your head? Do you have any pictures?” A grin had formed on the boy’s face, although it faded a bit when Kyle shook his head.

“No, I never took any, and I never got a yearbook or anything either. Hopefully you never see me with hair. I find the shaved look _much_ more flattering.” As if to emphasize this, he stroked his head and tossed it back, which earned a laugh from Ben.

“Well _I_ like it. Man, you at my age… how long ago was that, anyway?” The boy vaguely tried counting on his fingers, when he realized he didn’t exactly know how old Kyle was.

“That would be 2002, at least, when I was 16.” Upon hearing this, Ben’s eyes widened and he laid back, staring up at the ceiling, and whistled in awe.

“Wow. I was only four. I don’t even remember being four. My memory really only goes back to when I was like… eight, maybe.” The age difference between them was _huge,_ but something about that appealed to the boy, and he tilted his head back to look at Kyle. The older man had his life together, and he seemed more than happy to help him. Ben didn’t know anyone else his age who had landed someone as put together as Kyle, and he felt a sense of pride at his relationship, despite knowing he had to be secret about it. That being said, once he turned 18, they wouldn’t have to hide it anymore.

 _Will we even be together in a year? I mean, I wished for it, but..._ Ben wondered.

“Man, I have no clue what I’m gonna do when I graduate. I’m not too keen on the idea of college, but staying with my dad’s just… not an option. He’s gonna be harassing me to go, but I’m just not ready.” The end of Ben’s sentence was a mumble as Kyle reached an arm over and began to crawl on top of him. Pinning the boy underneath him with his body, he lowered his head to Ben’s neck and gave him a few soft pecks, which made his smaller partner shiver and exhale slowly.

“I mean, you’ve got me, right?” The older man pulled back enough to speak in a low voice near Ben’s ear, and the boy slid his hands up his chest until they held his shoulders. Giving Kyle a flirtatious look, he tilted his neck up and allowed the man greater access, which he readily accepted.

“Yeah… but would you wanna have me around all the time?” Biting his lip, Ben tried to stifle a smile. Of _course_ Kyle would want him around more, but he knew he had an opportunity to play the tease, and he wasn’t going to let it get away. The man lowered his hips onto Ben and rocked them slowly, which made the boy hook his legs over him and lightly dig his fingers into Kyle’s shoulders.

“You _know_ I’d love it. I mean, just think about it. Every morning, I’d get to wake up next to you, and _you_ don’t have to listen to your old man nag you. What about that _isn’t_ appealing?” Kyle punctuated his words by gently biting Ben’s neck, and the boy gasped softly.

The last thing Ben wanted to think about right now was his dad, but that comment in the midst of what they were doing reminded him that he hadn’t checked in with him in hours. He _desperately_ wanted to spend the night, but he wasn’t sure if his dad would buy the excuse that he was “staying with friends.” Still, he had to try.

“I gotta text my dad, let him know I’m gonna be out all night.” As he spoke, Kyle moved away from him and sat back on the mattress, a smirk crossing his lips as he realized the boy would most likely be staying the night with him. Ben pulled out his phone and opened the conversation with his dad, which had no new messages, and quickly drafted up his text.

_Hey, staying out tonight with my friends. I’ll be going straight to school in the morning._

Bouncing his leg, he anxiously waited for the read receipt to pop up. It took several seconds, but once he saw it, he held his breath, praying that his dad wouldn’t ask any questions about where he was.

_You finish your homework?_

Ben resisted the urge to breathe a sigh of relief. Things looked promising, but he wasn’t in the clear just yet.

_Ye, it was just some math hw. Got it done earlier._

The read receipt popped up immediately and Kyle raised an eyebrow at him, hoping for some good news, while Ben started to bite his lip.

_Alright. See u tomorrow. Be safe._

Relief swept over the boy and he dropped his phone down onto his chest, the biggest smile ever on his face. Kyle also relaxed at the sight of Ben’s grin, and he pulled off his overshirt as he moved back beside him.

“I take it you’re mine for the night?” Kyle mused, hinting that he wasn’t really asking. Ben joined him in shedding his jacket and climbed on top of him, straddling the older man and resting his hands on his chest, looking down at him fondly.

“I’m yours for as long as you want me. Just for tonight, or even _forever_ if you wanted.” The boy stuck his tongue out from between his teeth with a cheeky smirk and snickered, but Kyle placed his hands on Ben’s hips and slid them up under his shirt, a calm smile resting on his face.

“ _Forever_ you say? Mm, that’s a hard one to pass up. But how would your dad feel about it?” The cheerfulness dropped from Ben’s face at the repeated reminder of his father, and he glanced away.

“I don’t know. He doesn’t know I’m gay, and frankly, I’m not sure how he’d react. I guess… so long as I graduated high school, then it wouldn’t really matter what I did.” A silence hung between them for a moment before Kyle responded.

“Then how about this: you keep your grades up for the remainder of the school year, get your diploma... then move in with me? You can take all the time you need to figure out what you wanna do, you won’t have any pressure from your dad, and,” he paused and reached a hand up to Ben’s cheek, rubbing it with his thumb, “I’ll be here for you.”

It was the offer Ben had been hoping for, but he’d never ask. Fortunately, he didn’t have to. Lowering himself down onto his boyfriend and kissing him deeply, he closed his eyes and squeezed him with his thighs.

_“I think I can make that work.”_

Kyle chuckled deeply as he traced his fingertips up and down Ben’s spine. Moving his hands to the boy’s sides, he slid his thumbs back and held his waist, tilting his head to the side and breathing deeply.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of how small you are.” This made Ben giggle and he squirmed around playfully on Kyle’s lap.

“Is that so? I know I’m not _technically_ done growing, but… I somehow don’t see much changing.” The boy’s hands stroked Kyle’s head and he kissed his nose as the older man slowly slipped further underneath him.

“You’re _almost_ all grown up. And small things are cute, simple as that. I can’t help that I think you’re the _cutest.”_ Nibbling on Ben’s neck, he gripped him a little more before sliding a hand to his back again.

“Oh, just cute? I’m like a puppy then?” Ben once again knew he had the upper hand, and he took the opportunity to roll his ass against the older man, resulting in him bucking his hips somewhat and groaning.

“Mmm, nah… you’re the _sexiest_ too...” Kyle’s kisses got more insistent as one of his hands gradually made its way into the boy’s pants as well, sending a shiver down his spine. _“You want your birthday gift?”_ By this point, his voice was an urgent murmur. Ben responded with a breathy gasp.

_“Please, baby...”_


	14. A Friend

The weekend flew by into the following week without so much as a peep from Ben to Luka. Although the boy had a strong desire to talk, he wanted to be on his best behavior even when Kyle wasn’t watching, as a way to stay on his good side after the man had forgiven him. Still, every night when Ben would lie down to sleep, he would slide a hand down to the side of the mattress where the paper with Luka’s number hid. Something about the only tangible thing of Luka’s being there helped to reassure him when he had doubts about how Kyle felt.

It wasn’t until late into Wednesday night that Ben laid awake in bed, waiting for his partner to fall fast asleep before he carefully stood up and grabbed his phone to take outside. Bundled up in a sweater, he decided to sit on the curb a short ways from the building instead of on the hood of Kyle’s car, now fairly confident in dialing Luka’s number from memory, having spent some time during the day memorizing it on the off-chance he’d need it in an emergency.

The phone rang a few times before Luka’s tired voice picked up.

“Ben…? You been okay? It’s been days…” Something about his sleepy tone made the boy smile, and he quietly exhaled a light snort as it passed.

“Yeah, just been… staying under the radar. Figured I should check in with you though. Didn’t want you to worry.” The shuffling on the other end was accompanied by a chuckle.

“You know I’ll worry anyway, but I’m glad you’re doing okay. Anything you wanted to talk about?” Ben could hear a faint yawn coming from the man and shrugged his shoulders.

“I mean… nothing comes to mind. But… that’s usually ‘cause I find things hard to just… talk about without any prompting. Being around you helps though.” There was a warmth to his tone that he didn’t realize was coming out, and while Ben couldn’t see it, a small grin had formed on Luka’s face. “I don’t really want to go out anywhere, not tonight, but I would like to see you soon.”

“I’d like that too,” Luka responded almost immediately, biting his tongue once he realized how it sounded. Ben merely smirked.

“Do you think… you could come over tomorrow?” His voice started to shake at the thought of getting caught by Kyle, but the man was nothing if not consistent about his routine, and he clearly hadn’t noticed Ben sneaking out at night. “At around… nine should be good. Just don’t wear cologne or he’ll probably smell it.”

Ben’s request was met with silence initially, as Luka considered skipping a day of work. He’d accrued quite a few days of vacation time, and while he’d planned on using them to fly back and visit his parents, he knew they could wait.

“Sure. I’ll probably be there a little after nine, just to make sure your boyfriend’s not around.”

“Great. And uh, you may want to park on the outer area of the parking lot, in case he returns early for any reason and recognizes your car. Y’know, just trying to be extra safe and all.” Ben’s breathing had picked up which Luka noticed.

“Don’t worry, I understand.” He kept his voice low in an attempt to soothe the boy. Once Ben calmed down, he realized that this meant he’d be getting to see Luka in under 12 hours, and he bounced his knees happily.

“Sweet!” He paused for a moment. “If it’s okay, I’d kinda like to try to sleep now.” The other man laughed softly.

“I think I can agree with that.” Another yawn slipped out of him. “I’ll see you later then. G’nite, Ben.”

—

Kyle had left for work sometime around 8:30 a.m. while Ben avoided sleeping in and instead opted to take a quick shower. He wouldn’t have time to fully clean the place before Luka arrived, but at the very least he’d scrub out the toilet and wipe down the bathroom sink. His boyfriend never had guests over but liked Ben to keep the place clean.

After closing the toilet lid and flushing, he heard a quiet knock at the door, which initially made him jump, but almost immediately he ran over and opened it, revealing Luka in a grey cashmere sweater and dark jeans holding a brown bag at his side. Ben smiled up at him and let him step in and take in the surroundings.

Although he knew they were living cheaply (as cheaply as possible in the greater L.A. area, anyway), it wasn’t until he was inside and looking at the tiny apartment that Luka really understood the situation. The minimal amount of furniture was worn and quite dated, with the sole exception of the TV, and spying the bong and several containers of weed on the coffee table, Luka had a feeling that Kyle was probably bad with managing his money. If Ben couldn’t afford breakfast every day and had been forced to take on a job to help them pay rent, then there was likely a reason, especially if his partner was more concerned with taking care of himself.

“S-sorry that it’s still kind of a mess. I haven’t cleaned up yet today.” Ben immediately went over to the coffee table and began grabbing the empty containers, glancing back over at Luka who seemed a bit unsure of what to do with himself.

“No, you’re okay. You don’t have to clean up for me.” Luka’s comment made the boy shrug his shoulders.

“Well, it’s kinda my responsibility to clean every day. I was going to do it anyway.” Luka tilted his head at him, a tad bewildered.

“Every… day? Is there really that much to clean every  _ day?” _ This was met with another shrug.

“Sort of, but I haven’t really done a deep clean in about a week. Was too distracted last week to do it.”

Ben dropped the bottles in the trash and turned the sink on to run hot water, when Luka walked over and set the bag he was holding on the counter, and Ben was finally able to see the Starbucks logo on the side. Reaching in, the man pulled out a hot coffee and a frappuccino, as well as a smaller white and green bag and two parfait containers.

“There’s a grilled cheese in there for you, and while I didn’t know what flavor you’d like for your frapp, I figured caramel was a safe bet.” Pulling out the plug on his latte, Luka watched as Ben first stared at him and then the food, before shutting off the sink and stepping closer. The disbelief on his face was evident, and the man offered him a warm smile as he pushed the food closer to him. “I wasn’t sure if you’d had breakfast, so I wanted to treat you just in case.”

“I… I’ve never had Starbucks. I didn’t drink coffee in high school, and I mostly just saw girls drinking it. Not that I think it’s girly, just… that that’s who drank it back then.” Ben instinctively went for the sandwich and pulled it out, mouth watering a little at the crispiness and the smell, and he took a large bite, savoring the taste. The last time he had breakfast was two days prior, and it was a measly bowl of oatmeal. He’d had to stretch the box since he had no idea when Kyle would buy more. Suddenly in need of a drink, Ben reached over and grabbed his frappuccino, a smile growing on his face once he tasted it.

“Oh wow, how have I gone this long without having one of these??” This made Luka chuckle as he sipped his coffee. As sweet as the sight was though, he felt a pang of sadness that the boy had been so sheltered from things he was used to being “normal” in his life. Perhaps if Ben hadn’t been with Kyle, he could have had the exposure, but instead he was 19, almost 20, and trying Starbucks for the first time, when there was one only a ten minute drive from his apartment.

Ben finished his food, including the parfait, in record time. The sugar was already kicking in as he started cleaning the dishes, while Luka stood off to the side, fiddling with his empty drink cup. The man felt guilty if he were only there to watch him, especially given how tired Ben seemed when he’d opened the door. Moving forward, he spoke up, nudging Ben’s arm.

“Hey, would you like me to take care of those? You could hop on another task and we could get everything done faster.” Ben stopped abruptly and turned to look at him. Luka could see the boy frantically searching his brain for excuses.

“N-no, no, you don’t need to do that! You’re my guest, and-” he was cut off by Luka raising his hand up.

“Nah, think nothing of it! I don’t mind at all, and besides, I don’t think you’ve had any help in a long time, either.” Luka tilted his head and watched as Ben’s face flushed. The boy couldn’t think of any argument against it, so instead he hesitantly stepped back and watched as Luka moved in front of the sink, grabbing a dish to start washing. Ben stood there for a moment, suddenly unsure of what to do with himself. He was so used to buckling down and working through each of his chores that he was thrown off of his routine, and it took him a few seconds before he wandered back over to the coffee table to finish cleaning up the rest of the mess there. Grabbing the bong, Ben brought it over to the counter and set it down, noticing Luka glancing up at it.

“Don’t worry, I’ll clean it. It’s not hard but I don’t feel like explaining how to,” the boy said, heading for the closet to grab the hand vac. Luka snorted.

“Alright.” Although he opened his mouth to speak again, he noticed Ben turning on the vacuum and decided he didn’t want to try and shout over it. Ben took his time going through the couch and removing the cushions, sucking up all the crumbs from Kyle’s careless snacking, and once it was clean, he transitioned over to the coffee table and the floor beside it. Part of him was always glad they never had a rug, since they lacked a true vacuum, and Ben was stuck using the hand vac in their bedroom. Once he finished and put it away, Luka took the opportunity to start a conversation.

“So… before your life took an… interesting turn, what were things like?” This was met with a scoff.

“What, like, before I met Kyle? Or before my parents started fighting?” Pulling out the broom, Ben walked over to the far corner of the living room and started to sweep.

“The latter. What was your childhood like? I mean, I didn’t grow up over here, perhaps things were a bit different for you?” Luka glanced down at the dishwasher he only now spotted under the counter, but when he pulled on the handle, he discovered it wouldn’t open. 

“Oh. Well, I dunno. Normal? I didn’t make a lot of friends going up ‘cause I was really shy, but I got through elementary school and middle school with decent grades. Well, things kinda started to slip in middle school, but the odd B didn’t really stand out. Wasn’t until midway through high school that things… well, they got uglier.”

Ben thoughtfully swept, keeping his head down. There likely wasn’t much else to talk about on the subject, at least not for now, so Luka decided to fill the mildly uncomfortable silence that was hanging in the air.

“The education system over in Serbia is a little bit different, but I don’t think the experience is too far removed. I also did well; I didn’t want to disappoint my parents.” This time, Luka was the one who kept his eyes down, and Ben stopped to look up at him.

“Really? What were their expectations like?” The man noticed that Ben had stopped cleaning to talk, which made him smile.

“Well, they weren’t exactly  _ mean _ but they were firm in their desire to see me succeed. I had all their support and attention though, never had any siblings, and they didn’t have marital problems.” Luka watched as Ben resumed sweeping, and he bit his lip awkwardly. “I only mention it because you had to deal with your parents’ problems instead of getting their support, so don’t blame yourself too much. You were fighting a harder war than I ever have.”

Ben remained quiet for a few moments before he finally sighed. He didn’t really want to keep the topic of conversation on them, so he racked his brain trying to come up with  _ anything _ else to talk about.

“If you’re from Serbia, how’d you wind up over here? I know you told me you last lived up in San Francisco.”

“Yep, I went to UC Berkeley.” The boy abruptly stopped sweeping and his head shot up.

“Wait, you went to a full-on university? And one  _ that _ expensive? I never considered Berkeley when I was looking into colleges…” His words faded out as he hung his head, a bit disappointed. Luka set aside the last dish and leaned on the counter.

“Yeah, and while I don’t regret it, I wouldn’t go back. Overly expensive and mostly for the name.” When Ben didn’t look up, Luka sighed and walked around to the couch. He plopped down and invited Ben to join him, which he did so reluctantly, resting the broom against the coffee table.

“I’m not trying to sound grouchy or anything, I promise. I just…” the boy trailed off yet again, and Luka rested his elbows on his knees.

“You didn’t even get the opportunity, I get it. You’ve spent most of your life trying to please other people, and when you weren’t, you were just trying to survive. No one could blame you for that, Ben, and I don’t blame  _ you _ for being bitter about it either.”

Ben took a ragged breath and didn’t look up at Luka. It was the first time in years that he finally felt like someone understood him, the last time being when Kyle had related to him when they first met. Still, it wasn’t like Luka had gone through the same hardships; the man had admitted how cushy his youth had been.

“Thanks…” It was the only thing he could think of to say. Luka merely offered him a smile, nudging him gently.

“Your struggles deserve to be acknowledged. Don’t ever let anyone minimize them.”  _ Though perhaps don’t confront Kyle with it, _ he thought to himself. Ben wiped his eyes and sniffled a bit before finally turning his head to look at Luka.

“So, UC Berkeley. Why there? Why not college in Serbia?” This made the man tip his head back in thought for a moment.

“To be honest, my mom is from the Bay Area. She’d always told me about where she grew up, and since I was looking for a big change anyway, I took the opportunity to move out here for school. It’s why I was able to obtain dual citizenship so easily, actually.” Luka watched as Ben took in this information and slowly nodded.

“Huh. So you’re half American then?” The other man smiled.

“Yep. Not a huge deal, but it’s nice knowing I don’t have to worry about my citizenship.” Pausing for a moment, Luka glanced around. “So, what else is on your chore list?”

“Well… sweeping the rest of the apartment, properly scrubbing out the tub and toilet, cleaning the kitchen counters and bathroom sink… and straightening up the bedroom.” Ben barely had to think about the list of chores since he’d done them countless times.

“No laundry?” Luka asked. The boy shook his head and stood up from the couch, grabbing the broom to resume sweeping the living room.

“I do it on the weekends when Kyle’s here, since he accompanies me to the laundry room. I think he forgot that he gave me a spare key…” Ben once again trailed off while Luka’s gut churned. Of  _ course _ Kyle wouldn’t let Ben leave the apartment alone, and especially not after what happened at his job. The more he learned about the older man, the more he wanted to stick around and personally return the punch he’d previously received, but for Ben’s sake he knew he couldn’t.

“Oh. Well, how about I finish cleaning up the kitchen and then I could do the bathroom sink?” Luka watched as Ben clenched his hands around the broom handle and faltered a little. “I don’t have a problem cleaning anything else, but I get the feeling you’d rather I not.”

Ben released a small sigh and smiled weakly at him.

“I hope that’s alright? I like having you around today, but I also feel really guilty, and having you poke around Kyle’s things is a line I just don’t think I can cross.” This made the man chuckle.

“I understand, don’t worry.” As Luka got up from the couch, Ben stopped cleaning abruptly and put his hand out, making Luka pause. “What’s up?”

“I just… had a thought. Nothing big but… I wanted to show you.” The boy rested the broom against the wall and waved him over. “Might make you laugh, I dunno.”

Luka followed Ben over to the bedroom and watched him flick on the lights to reveal a mattress on the floor and an assortment of clothes strewn about. There was a faint smell of B.O. that the man was fairly sure didn’t come from Ben, who was squatting down beside the bed and looking up at him expectantly. Lifting the side of the mattress, he revealed the old, wrinkled receipt that Luka had written his number on, the sight of which kicked him hard in the gut.

Although he knew that Ben had saved his number, seeing the receipt again being kept safe and hidden somewhere Kyle would never look really reminded him of how deep down, he could tell that some part of Ben clearly knew that what he had with Kyle was unsustainable. However, it was a combination of seeing the depressing living situation the boy was in and the small piece of paper kept close to where he slept that really hit Luka hardest, and he leaned against the door frame, biting his lip and wanting so desperately to pull Ben into a tight, supportive hug. Ben, of course, picked up on Luka’s emotional reaction.

“Luka? Are you okay?” He dropped the mattress back to the floor and stood up again, walking over to the door. Luka hesitantly put a hand out and rested it on Ben’s shoulder momentarily before pulling it away.

“I… yeah. I’m just… sorry that you’re in this situation.” This made Ben cock his head and raise an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?” he asked innocently. Luka knew he didn’t want to explain himself, but he shook his head and groaned as left the room.

“You haven’t lived in a nicer place in a while, have you? You deserve a bed with a frame and to not be the sole person responsible for cleaning the place.” Ben naturally opened his mouth to defend himself, but Luka interrupted him before he could and leaned back against the kitchen counter.

“I know, I know, you guys have your system that works for you. I won’t keep on about this, but it is how I feel.” Ben didn’t seem to have a response to this, so instead he grabbed the broom and resumed sweeping without saying anything, while Luka turned around and started wiping down the counters.

The two of them remained in silence for the next ten minutes or so before conversation picked up again. As Luka wiped down the bathroom sink and Ben sprayed down the tub, the boy broke the tension with a question of his own.

“So… what about you then? I’m assuming you don’t have someone in your life you’re dating, or you’d probably have mentioned them by now.” Although he’d been the one to ask the question, Ben still feared the response, and he didn’t know why. It bothered him a little, admittedly. Luka stopped cleaning for a moment and thought about his response, realizing he hadn’t been thinking of his romantic life at all for quite a while.

“Well… I had a girlfriend back in college. It didn’t last though. She was from out of state and I wasn’t willing to move to Utah for her.” Ben chuckled nervously but didn’t turn around. His face had flushed a little bit and the last thing he wanted was for Luka to notice.

“I don’t blame you. Utah’s kinda shitty unless you’re Mormon.” This elicited a laugh from Luka.

“Yeah, definitely not my kind of place. I was raised to follow Eastern Orthodoxy, but I’ve never really been all that religious. It’s mostly just some traditions and holidays that I celebrate. Moving out here I saw more variety in faith but less overall intensity in the beliefs, so I felt pretty at home. How about you?”

The entire subject of Luka’s romantic relationships had been sidestepped for one about religion, which disappointed Ben a little, but he knew there would be more opportunities to talk about it. A part of him couldn’t help but wonder if the man was strictly heterosexual, but the rest of him stared that part down and demanded to know why he cared about it in the first place. He was happily dating Kyle, after all.

Realizing he’d been lost in his thoughts, Ben stumbled over himself for a second.

“O-oh, um, my family, we, uh,” the boy had to really reach into his brain for his answer, since it wasn’t something he thought about ever, “we never went to church or anything. I don’t think they were actually religious, although we did kinda celebrate some Christian holidays like Easter and Christmas. But that was it. I think even non-religious families celebrate that kinda stuff.”

With the topic circling around the idea of family, both Luka and Ben suddenly found themselves feeling a little saddened, albeit for different reasons. Luka had wanted to fly home for the holidays at the end of last year after not being able to do so for the past three, but once again, work prevented him from doing so, and Ben of course missed the days from his childhood before everything started going to shit. The two of them noticed each other’s reactions when the boy turned around to sit on the edge of the tub and looked up at the other man.

“Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up,” Luka mumbled, dropping the paper towel in the trash.

“Nah, it’s fine.” Ben glanced back at the tub and saw another spot he missed, while Luka checked his watch. They’d been cleaning for a while and it was a little after noon, and with most of the apartment looking nicer, he decided he wanted to get Ben out of the house for what was probably the first time since their excursion on Friday.

“You wanna go somewhere?” Leaning back against the wall, Luka pulled out his phone and opened up his maps app. Ben simply turned to look at him.

“Uh… where? I don’t really think I should leave the house, but…” Once again, he trailed off. Luka tapped on a location on his phone and smirked.

“I’ve got an idea, but it’s a surprise. I’ll wait in the living room while you get changed.” The smile persisted on Luka’s face as he left the bathroom and Ben, who was now intrigued but nervous, slowly followed him.

“W-what time is it? Kyle comes home around 6:30 every day, but I wanna be back here by 5 in order to finish cleaning up.” The boy gripped the door frame and watched as Luka grabbed the Starbucks bag from the counter and pulled out his keys.

“Of course. I’ll have you back by then, I promise.” The man leaned against the door, and Ben slipped into the bedroom, scrambling around the piles of clothes for something halfway decent and clean. The best he could do was a maroon t-shirt from the bottom of a pile and an old pair of jeans with a hole in the knee. After tugging on some socks, he grabbed his reliable jacket and stepped into his Converse, quickly tying them up.

While Ben locked up, he felt the sudden anxiety from leaving the house during the middle of the day without Kyle’s knowledge, and yet, as he walked down the stairs and away from his apartment, his fear seemed to fade with each step, and by the time he got down to Luka’s car, his initial worry had been replaced by excitement for the surprise Luka had in store for him. The man put his phone in its cradle but kept it tilted towards him, with Ben now eagerly bouncing his legs.

“I don’t think I’ve done something like this in… god knows how long.” Turning his head to look at Luka, he hummed happily. “Thanks. Kinda makes me feel like a kid again, honestly, but in a good way.”

“Well, I just want you to feel like a free adult, but I get that you’ve never really had the opportunity.” Luka kept his eyes focused on the road and only glanced away to look at the map. His response only made Ben curious.

“Why, because of my relationship?” Biting his lip, he turned to face out the window, and Luka sighed.

“Think of this way. When Kyle came along and you started dating him, you were still a kid, no matter how much you felt like an adult at the time. And since the two of you started dating, you haven’t gone out to do something like this, meaning the last time you did, you were  _ definitely _ still a kid.” Ben remained quiet, having no response to the other man’s words.

“All I’m saying is… I don’t want you to feel like you're stuck as a child your whole life, having to look up to others forever, always reliant on someone. You’re 19 years old going on 20 and you deserve to feel like a grown adult who is going out and doing things because you  _ can _ , and not as a child who needs to ask for permission.”

Luka left it there, feeling he’d said all he needed to. It was the first time ever that Ben had probably heard any encouragement like that, but Luka knew how important it was for Ben to believe it, and he’d say it as many times as it took until he did. Still, he didn’t want to ruin a decent day by pushing the boy into uncomfortable territory, and he kept his mouth shut for the remainder of the drive.

Ben noticed the large sign with several bowling pins in the lot they were pulling into, and he couldn’t restrain the grin that formed.

“Holy shit, bowling!? I think the last time I went bowling was in elementary school!!” Ben exclaimed. Luka reciprocated with a smile of his own as he parked.

“Yeah! I was thinking of taking you to the movies, but there’s really nothing good playing right now. I haven’t done this in years either, so this seemed like the perfect opportunity.”

Ben wasted no time in hopping out of the car and watched as Luka joined him, the two of them heading up to the doors together. Luka paid for their lane and shoe rental while Ben grabbed his pair and hurriedly put them on. Wasting no time in going to their lane, the boy entered his name into the machine and glanced back at Luka, who was still tying up the laces of his shoes.

“Hey, what do you want to be entered in as? It only allows three letters, and your name’s four, so…” he trailed off as Luka stood up and walked over.

“Vuk, v-u-k,” he said with a smile. Ben did as he was instructed but turned to look back at the man, who had walked over to grab a bowling ball.

“Why Vuk? I’m assuming it’s Serbian.” This resulted in a nod from Luka.

“Means ‘wolf.’ They’ve been my favorite animal for a long time and I like to think of myself as one sometimes, like at my job. When people are looking to me for leadership or when I need that fierce confidence to give talks to my employees.” This made Ben smile, and as he plugged in the name, he thought about a fluffy wolf-like Luka.

The next few hours flew by as they bowled, and by the time they finished up and were leaving, the sky was already turning bright orange. Ben had tired out thoroughly and wasn’t looking forward to the rest of his chores, so he curled up a bit in the faux leather seat as they started their drive back to the apartment. Keeping his eyes outside, the boy watched the city and the palm trees go by, feeling almost lulled by the sound of Luka’s car. Unlike Kyle’s beater, this one was in decent condition and was actually pleasant to ride in.

“Hey,” Luka murmured, not wanting to disturb Ben but also trying to keep him from falling asleep, “You think you’ll be good to finish cleaning when you get home?”

“Yeah, I should be. Sucks that I’ll have to finish doing it alone, but eh.” Yawning quietly, Ben turned to look back over al Luka. “Thanks, by the way. For helping earlier. And the food. And the bowling, too.” Biting his lip as his cheeks heated up, he quickly faced the window again.

“Of course, I was happy to help. Besides, I had a great time with you today.” Luka reached a hand over and gently touched the boy’s shoulder, causing him to glance over and make eye contact for a moment before Luka pulled away, Ben’s gaze falling a little. Silence hung between them for a minute or so until Ben finally let himself ask the question that had been on his mind for hours.

“Is… is this okay? Like, what we’re doing?” Luka’s eyes briefly flittered his direction as he raised a brow. “I mean, we’re just… hanging out. That’s fine, but like, I still feel guilty? I’m not cheating on him, am I?” Ben stared at his fingers as he fiddled with them, not wanting to look up at Luka in case something in his expression would imply that he  _ was _ cheating on his boyfriend.

“Not at all. You’re allowed to have friends, you know. And that’s all I’m doing, taking a friend out for a good time.” The smile he offered Ben awoke something deep inside the boy that he hadn’t truly felt in years, which was the fact he actually had a  _ friend _ again.

Even as a child, Ben struggled to make friends, and the few he did manage to make had gone to other schools as they aged or simply drifted apart from him. By the time he was finishing up high school, even in his classes, he talked to virtually no one. Three going on four years later, and Luka was Ben’s first real friend in a very long time. 

“Well then… thanks. For today. I really needed it. Maybe… we can go do something like this again sometime?” Ben seemed genuinely hopeful for the first time since they met, and Luka didn’t want to ruin the boy’s good mood with the fact that he couldn’t really take a lot of time off for this kind of thing, so he chuckled and nodded.

“Sure, you just might have to wait a little bit. I gotta make sure I’ve got the vacation time, but I promise we can have a repeat of today.” Luka noticed Ben’s energy faded a little bit, but not as much as it could have.

The two of them chatted casually for the rest of the drive, and by the time they arrived back at the apartment, Ben didn’t want to leave the car. It took a lot for him to wrench himself from the comfortable seat, knowing full well that the only thing waiting for him inside was a cold bedroom that still needed to be cleaned. At the very least, he’d take a shower to wash off any sweat and bowling alley smell (or residual cologne from the car) that lingered on him.

“Thanks for the lift home. I’ll try to reach out to you again soon, it just all depends on if I feel I can do it without getting caught.” Even saying the words made Ben’s guilt return, despite the fact that what he was doing wasn’t nefarious, but he swallowed it down.

“No worries, don’t do anything to put yourself at risk if you think it will. I’ll be around, I promise.” Offering the boy one last reassuring, warm smile, Luka watched him exit the car and head back up the stairs. He’d wait for him to safely get inside before driving off, and a half a minute later, Ben was closing the door behind him and locking it.

Back in the near silence and inescapable loneliness of the apartment, he found himself unable to walk in any further. Instead he pressed his back to the door and slid down, sitting there in the dark, the overwhelming urge to cry now welling up in his chest, and the unhappiness he felt at home now settling on him like a ton of bricks. His last taste of freedom had been his job at the corner store. Now he was sneaking around behind his boyfriend’s back because the thought of staying home alone endlessly made him miserable. 

As the tears trickled down his face and he hugged himself tightly, Ben knew he couldn’t tell Kyle about his excursions with Luka, but perhaps he could suggest things for the two of them to go and do together. After all, they were dating, and they hadn’t gone on a date in a long time.

Standing up and heading for the bathroom, Ben silently pledged to ask Kyle sometime, but not yet. First he needed to make sure he was in his boyfriend’s good graces, and then he’d make sure he had the confidence to bring it up.


End file.
